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Handling a break up

PeteL
Community Member

Hi

thought I'd give this a go.

i have been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years.

we both had children through previous marriages and 9 months ago bought a house to accomodate out for children.

i have shared care of my two children who live with their mother in another blended family.

lots of arguments and I recently moved out.

i am in so much pain, I am hardly eating, feel lonely and doubt my choice to move out.

my closest confidant, my brother is 100% certain this is the right move for me but why is it so hard?

im 46 and thought life would be so much easier at this stage yet the pain is immense

how can I cope through this?

10 Replies 10

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello PeteL

Welcome and apologies for the late reply...Thankyou for posting

Can I ask you what the primary reason was for you moving out?

It sounds like you made the best decision you could at the time. It will be hard because you have moved out from someone that you care a great deal for.....but.....you were looking after yourself (and your health) by making the decision you did.

PeteL...You should be really proud of yourself by having the strength by posting on the forums. Just out of respect for you...I have had anxiety and depression for many years and was just dumped by my girlfriend early last year

There are many kind people here that can be of support to you. The forums are also rock solid secure for your privacy, so when you are comfortable if you wish to provide any more even basic info on why you moved out we may be able to support you further.

I hope you can write back PeteL

My kindest thoughts

Paul

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi PeteL,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. As Paul has mentioned, this is a supportive forum, people share their experiences and try to offer advice and suggestions.

Arguments are never pleasant. Relationships can be very difficult.

If you don't mind some questions, are you still in contact with your partner or have you asked for time to chill out and gather your thoughts?

Would you consider returning tot he home and maybe attending counselling together? If so "Relationships Australia" may be a good starting point.

Are you somewhere safe? Is it possible for you to have your children in the place where you are at present?

You could use the phone help line here at Beyond Blue or Life Line. These people will be able to offer you help and advice, and to listen to your story.

It is important that you still try to eat healthily and frequently. You will need your body and mind to be at their optimum to help you through this tough time.

Have you ever been one to write out how you are feeling?

Another idea is to write two headings on paper: "Why I left" and "Why I would return". Write down everything you feel under both headings. Leave the lists for a while then return and consider your answers.

Unfortunately life can throw us muck at any age and stage of life. The thing is what to do with that muck when it comes your way.

It may take a while to work that one out!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

PeteL
Community Member

thanks for your replies, it was nice to receive them.

I had been with my partner for almost 9 years but only lived together for 9 months.

since we moved in together there had been many cycles of arguments, I felt suppressed that my views or opinions were not considered although she would argue this was the case.

my partner was very secretive regarding her mobile phone which frustrated me and we frequently had arguments about this, I was blocked from seeing her friends on Facebook and around two years ago had a hunch something was not right and accessed her phone to find messages from someone who had previously shown interest in her, this since then made me feel very insecure as when I asked her about it met with hostile responses.

i doubt she is having a physical affair but likes (in her words) to be an individual. I am not possessive but think there she be no secrets and everything out in the open,

i had a few anger outbursts and said nasty things in the heat of the moment well as held up my fist to her although it never went further than that, it happened only once.

i was banned from the bedroom and slept in my sons room or on the sofa, she physically blocked me from getting in.

she always claimed that everyone thought she was a nice and easy going person and it was me that had issues.

she has told me a few days ago she missed me and wanted me to come back but over the last nine month have frequently felt like leaving. There is no way I can rush into anything again with her, I'm 46 and just want to settle down and have peace. Often I never felt important in the house, she looked after her children and I looked after mine, she never interacted much with my children as a one on one scenario but was pleasant enough, it is not what I'd hoped for as a potential mother figure.

my self esteem is very low and I wonder if there is anyone else out there for me.

i was offered the opportunity to go over and spend time with her on Monday night once her children had gone to bed but declined and we have not spoken or texted in the last two days.

i hope this gives you an idea, feel free to ask anything else for more context.

also, I met this partner when I was going through a bad time with my ex wife, I saw both of them at the same time as I couldn't make up my mind which way to go, part of me didn't want to break up my family, the other felt I'd met someone I fell in love with.

(better get back to work)

thanks

pete

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pete,

Thanks for sharing more of your story. I have friends who have been together for decades, living in separate houses with children from previous marriages. They are part of the lucky ones though as the children all meld together so well, they are at each other's houses, just for one reason or another they have not decided to be the next "Brady Bunch" and live in one house together.

It does sound like this lady does not want to commit wholeheartedly to the relationship, or that she has strong views and opinions on what is acceptable in a relationship.

My husband is a very independent person. These days we are married only by title. We have separate bedrooms and he is the one who does not like me to touch him and even tells me off for looking at him some times.

I have made the decision to stay. Part of that is due to my Christian beliefs, partly because I have no idea where I would go if I left, part of me thinks no one else would want me and I would not do so well on my own plus a multitude of other thoughts.

You have made the break now. You can look at your life from a different angle and decide where you want to go from here.

I'm sure we all have dreams and a picture in our minds as to how we hope life will turn out for us. Problem is, that for some of us that dream is hard to hold on to or to achieve.

For me, I try to make the most of what I do have. My marriage isn't at all what I had hoped for or what I long for. We were unable to have children so that has been a hard thing for me to accept as well.

Some days I feel lost. I am not a Mum and not really a wife. So what am I? I have to decide in my mind what and who I want to be, you can do the same thing. Make the most of what you do have and try to find ways to make the most out of each day.

I've rambled on for quite a while here!

Regarding the partner you had while with your wife, how did that go? Do you still contact her?

Hope your day goes okay. Cheerio from Mrs. Dools

PeteL
Community Member

Hi Mrs Dools

i am still in contact with ex wife if that's what you mean? We speak frequently regarding our sons, there has been lots of unpleasantness over the years from the split but more recently we are in a good place and both know it's in the best interest of our sons.

my partner has contacted me a few times this week and wants us to try again but each day on my own is getting easier and you're right,mit gives a fresh prospective on my life and some much need time out.

im not sure if I'm still in a relationship or not, maybe time in seperate houses will be good.

blending the families didn't work well and I can't just make a quick decision on my love life just now in the interest of my sons.

they like the house we have,just the 3 of us, they feel more relaxed rather than visiting a place I live with someone else.

i told my partner that I will not be moving back into the house we bought which is actually up for sale, once it sells I imagine she will buy or rent, I reckon the later as she'll hope we buy again together.

i do miss her, I do love her and it would hurt if she met someone else but I don't miss day to day life and the cycles, the only time I looked forward to was when alone in the bedroom when the kids were all in bed and we had time for ourselves.

who knows my next steps? For now I want to take this time out to think what I want for my life. I'm enjoying getting the house sorted and having my sons over for Father's Day.

thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them

pete

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pete,

It is a good thing you are able to communicate with your ex-wife. Like you mentioned, that is very important for your sons.

Let's see if I have this right now, the partner you are currently separated from is the lady whom you met while still married to your wife. Is that correct? If so, is that the reason why you two were together for so long but not living in the same house?

It does seem as though you get along well, just not with all the children around. Is it possible to carry on a relationship while in separate houses? It may not be what you both want, but it may work well for you until the children are older.

Not knowing if you are in a relationship or not could be a little confusing. How do you get on with the partner's children? Are you expecting to see them on Father's Day at all or hear from them?

Either way, I hope you have a lovely Father's Day with your children.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

PeteL
Community Member

Hi mrs dools

yes your are right, my partner and I met while I was still married although for a number of years I had doubts about my happiness with her but didn't want to split the family up.

Things just went bad tenfold when we moved in together. I am not close to her girls, I don't feel anything for them as harsh as that sounds.

i am hopingnthat for next few years we can see each other as it was before, in seperate houses. I enjoy my own place as don't have the dynamics of the blended family that I didn't enjoy, I always felt guilty trying to share my time with all and not with my sons. I have had the best Father's Day with my sons, such a great day. They are very much at home in my house and love doing whatever they want without feeling like the visitors, my partner felt the problem was with my sons as she made them welcome but I always felt it was an adult problem and she should have made more of an effort to bond with them.

yes I am please with the communication with my ex wife, it was very nasty over the years but we have found peace and frequently chat about the boys, we both help the kids get presents for birthdays, Xmas, and fathers/Mother's Day, I'm glad my sons ask me and not their mums partner, my partner always got annoyed when I took the boys shopping for their mum, it often caused friction, but I always stayed strong, it was never up for debate, I was glad to help them and always will be.

again, if I've missed anything out let me know, happy to fill in the blanks.

this has been a good weekend, so much better than the last one

thanks again

pete

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pete,

It seems some people are just not suited to live together under the same roof. Even when a couple have children it doesn't mean everyone is going to get along.

My parents had 3 children, the tension in our home was incredible when we grew up. So I guess in some cases blended families can be even more difficult and confusing in some cases.

It is wonderful you had a great weekend with your boys. That is something very special to hold on to. It is also wonderful you are able to have such a relationship with your ex wife and still help your sons to buy her gifts for Mother's Day.

On Father's Day we visited my in-laws. ( The Z's) My sister in law has recently split from her husband. For the first time in many years she has joined in a Z family gathering. For years she had excluded herself and her children from the Z family only welcoming her husband's family into her circle.

For decades she has told me I am not part of the Z family and she continued on like that on Sunday while still wanting support! It seems her husband's family have all but abandoned her now she has moved out. It is hard to have been married into a family for almost 30 years and to always feel like you don't belong.

Families and relationships just aren't like they are in the fairy tales. Ha. Ha.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

PeteL
Community Member

Oh well, I'm back again. I was doing well for weeks, very strong and driven. I went away on holiday with my sons and was feeling good. I joined a dating site and met a few people for coffee but although nice people no spark whatsoever. I came back from my holiday and saw my ex partner had viewed my profile in the dating site. We communicated via tex and hours later we were together in a intimate way which happened numerous times since. We admitted that a strong bond is there but I am wondering if she is playing mind games with me. Long periods of her not being contactable or responding to messages etc which I'm sure she does to get be wound up then blames me for accusing her of being out with others. it's hard when you have lived with someone to then feel not a part of their life. I went to see a counsellor again, he advised to but boundaries in place, just discuss what I need to with her about the house sale as I left for a reason and was unhappy for a long time but nobody has ever made me feel the way she did. I have had many a meltdown over this and am truely heartbroken, it's so painful. My counsellor is convinced I am being psychologically abused but my partner just blames me, she thinks I am a narcissist but I see more of those traits in her. I just want peace but now feel I am back where I started 😕