Groundhog day

[Hatedbydaughter]

I'm a flawed, imperfect human and a mother of an adult daughter who blames me for all her ills.  She invades my privacy and when I call her out on it, she reacts like a teenager. She calls me weak, pathetic, needy, toxic and narcissistic, whilst letting me know that I've destroyed her life.

She is a professional that makes a rather comfortable salary AND she still lives at home with no bills or expenses. This affords her a lifestyle that many others do not have. Unfortunately there is no gratitude, just resentment towards me. I will never be good enough for her. She'll come home from work and as soon as she sees me, her entire demeanour changes. She becomes resentful, spiteful and aggressive. I work long hours and honestly, just want to rest after 9 pm. She decides that she wants to vacuum at that time. Instead of respecting that, she starts to have tantrums and threatens me that she will commit suicide and I will live with that guilt.

She is highly manipulative and constantly tells me that her life is perfect except for me - that she hates being around me and one day she will leave and I will never see her again. According to her, I am the only one that pushes her buttons and 'forces' her to destroy my property when she is angry. There is no accountability for her actions. It's never her fault as I 'made' her do it. If I invite her out, she reacts poorly. If I don't invite her, she reacts poorly. She can be very sweet and charming, and most people that meet her fawn at her feet. She seems to enjoy playing the victim and making me out to friends and family that I'm the wicked mother that has destroyed her. 

It is only when she loses control that some people have seen the other side to her but I do not want people to see her in such a negative light. I'd rather be the scapegoat than people turn on her. This level of manipulation and abuse has been going on for over 15 years now. She's been an adult for over 13 years. I paid for my daughter to see a psychiatrist, psychologist and other counsellors just so she can tell them that she is a product of a narcissistic and toxic mother. I do not understand why she still lives with me given that she cannot stand the sight of me.

To be honest, I care very little about life anymore. I'm struggling to exercise, to eat properly and my work is suffering. I struggle to accept that people enjoy my company as she certainly doesn't. Yet, I'm too paralysed by fear to ask her to leave. 

I'm numb. 

[tranzcrybe]

Your daughter is holding you to ransom and I think you know you are being played.

At the same time, you are a willing accomplice in the charade.

Acting on her observation that her life is indeed "perfect except for [you]", I would place her belongings on the front porch and change the locks.
You would not be abandoning her, merely consenting to her own direction.

She has financial stability and feels held back by her present lifestyle (ie, you, your home, and, ironically, all the freeloading) yet something is preventing her finding a life of her own...
With your blessing and love, you can actually provide that necessary impetus by letting go.

One will never appreciate what one never experiences, and if she is ever to respect you, then let it be for your affirmative action in her best interests.

[therising]

Hi Hatedbydaughter

Has your daughter ever elaborated on any of her feelings? For example, why does she perceive you as being 'narcissistic'? It seems to be a word easily thrown around these days, partly thanks to TikTok and YouTube. Whether she's got it all wrong and she's mistaking the important need for a parent to be self serving on occasion for narcissism, she may never develop the right perspective in this case unless she gains first hand experience when it comes to being a mother. As a mum, I believe it's so important to serve myself in ways that are going to help me manage my mental health. The alternative involves serving everyone but your self. That kind of stuff wears thin after a while plus it can become exhausting and depressing if we're not careful. A balance of service to others and self is important. Openly discussing finding a balance can be just as important. The thing with that is both or all parties involved have to begin with an open mind when it comes to negotiations. If your daughter refuses to open her mind, it would present with a major problem.

I've raised my kids with the idea 'If you can't offer me reasons for why you think and feel the way you do, your job is to make sense of the reasons, something I can try and help you with. If you flat out refuse to make sense of the reasons, I'll regard you as simply being unreasonable and I refuse to work with unreasonable people, as it does my head in'. It's not meant to sound harsh, it's just 'a matter of fact'. It's something I've come to learn while managing the ins and outs of depression over the years. Unreasonable people can become exhausting, depressing and somewhat soul destroying to work with, especially if we're deeply feeling folk. My kids are reasonable people and they've been good teachers in helping lead me to reason at times. Sounds like you have provided your daughter with a number of resources with which to find reasons for why she thinks and feels the way she does (psychiatrist, psychologist and other counselors). A good guide/parent leads their kids to guides who can help. You sound like a thoughtful, devoted and caring guide.

It can be so hard for us to manipulate our brains into serving us in new and constructive ways, especially when our choices are more so related to matters of the heart (devotion, love, tolerance, patience and more). Sometimes 'How am I loving myself?' can become a key question. Another couple of key questions, 'Do I love myself enough to put an end to tolerating someone else's depressing and stressful behaviour? Am I prepared to set solid boundaries?'. 'As an adult, you either grow up and take responsibility or you get out and take responsibility. Either way, it's time you took responsibility' is definitely a clear boundary that offers choice. Responsibility involves the ability to respond in appropriate ways. 'Respond appropriately to my privacy or leave. Respond appropriately to replacing my property you damage or leave. Respond appropriately as an adult in a household that you can more than afford to financially contribute towards or leave'.  I know, so hard to take a lot of the emotion out of things, especially when it involves our kids. While our kids can insist we push their buttons, parents have heartstrings that can be easily tugged at.❤️