Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

[P12]

I received a suggestion to create a separate discussion after my main discussion has apparently not initiated discussion with other than one other member over the past few months.

I would like to ask if anyone may share their experience disclosing a mental health disorder to others?

I was advised by a psychologist that I would be more successful at making friends if I told prospective friends in advance that I apparently had a disorder. Otherwise they would think I was stupid or expend great effort trying to understand me but fail and give up.

However, since trying this technique, those I have informed have stopped communicating with me. I believe I made more progress feigning a personality. However, this is apparently also unsuccessful as I haven't made a friend either way.

Thank you.

[geoff]

Hello P12, thanks for posting your comment.

We believe we have many 'friends' but usually they are acquaintances and have only one or two close friends, even so as soon as you start talking about any MI you may be suffering from they don't know what to say, or perhaps offer you suggestions, but you try them and nothing helps, so when this does happen, these 'friends/acquaintances' decide that's it's better if they detach themselves from you and disappear making no contact with you, this is what really hurts, because you were always there for them, when they wanted you to help them.

A friend will say to you, hey, you don't seem to be yourself later, is there anything wrong or can I help you, sometimes this can open the door for you to communicate, because with this disorder it won't be fixed straight away but over time, as some days may be better than yesterday, but other days will be worse.

Normally people who want to stay in touch with you may have been through something like this themselves or perhaps struggled with their parents suffering from a MI and have some idea of what you are suffering from.

With me only one friend (couple) were still interested in seeing me, people I'd known for a long time and yes, there were times when we all laughed, but this didn't mean my depression had gone, it was still with me.

You do tend to make other friends because your life changes, but with whom, well it just eventuates that way and how it's done is all up to you, but if I can suggest, if you don't like what your psychologist has said, then tell them, because that's exactly what they need to know, otherwise you can try with someone else.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Doolhof]

Hi P12,

This is a really interesting issue to consider. To disclose or not and how much to tell a person may vary with each encounter you have.

I would like to encourage you to be yourself in all encounters with other people. From my own experience I know mental health issues can flare up and make relationships difficult or confusing at times.

There may be an opportunity in a relationship to explain to the other person you have a mental health condition. Some people may shy away from that, others may be curious or even talk about their own mental health journey.

I was told by some members of a Church I attend that I had no right to inflict my depression upon anyone else and the Church was not the place to show negative emotions. (Good thing I don't attend Church to listen to them, but to seek God's love and wisdom)

In that same Church are some lovely women who have been very concerned about my depression and invited me to join them for a coffee recently. One even said if I had not gone to them, they would have come to me if I liked it or not.

My point is, not everyone understands mental health issues. Yes it may be helpful to let people know, but maybe saying Hi I am P12 and I suffer from "      " might be a conversation to have further down the track. 

I hope others join in this conversation as I am sure many of us have encountered this same issue.

Regards form Dools

[P12]

Hi Geoff.

I appreciate your reply.

I think the main opinion you were trying to give is that life is very random in regard to making a friend. Is this correct? 

I am interested to know more about your experience. In your final paragraph you said only one friend remained after you revealed your mental illness. Does this mean you had more friends before you realised you had a mental illness and also didn't gain any new ones after you realised?

I am also curious about your sentence "... how it's done is all up to you ...". Do you mean that effort can make someone gain a friend. I am curious because this is a little different to what I interpret as your main message.

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am trying to understand better. 

[P12]

Hi Doolhof.

I appreciate your reply.

I think you are suggesting that I act as naturally as I can, and that disclosing a mental illness is generally not a natural act. Is this correct? 

I think my opinion is closer to yours than the strategy suggested by my psychologist. I feel it is more likely that I will make a friend by not disclosing an illness. However, I remain confused about how I can actually make a human friend. I made great friends with the natural world and God, this made me an outsider among other humans, who imposed bullying and exclusion on me, which caused me great distress, which caused me to attempt to act as society wanted, which caused me to try to make a human friend, who didn't want to friend me, which made me an outsider, ....

[Guest_1584]

Hi op , hope your doing ok.

No expert but in my experience nah , it's not even worth trying to get into things with most people , most won't understand anyway or even wanna know. Me l only ever discuss anything with the very few people l'm genuinely close to and then not too deeply unless they actually want to get into it and most prefer a quick skim. l do agree with just being you though , it just doesn't have to mean every detail but on the other hand though l suppose if it was every detail those that can't handle it weren't the friend you thought anyway- could be a way of like weeding the garden out haha.

One thing though and it is very rare in life we come across it but it does happen. A rare few actually like you being different and not all rosy 24 7 , they have stuff to and it's a relief to be around somebody that actually admits they aren't perfect or feeling perfect either. Maybe you'll meet somebody as special as that to one day.

Good luck with everything.

rx

[livi_mivi]

Hey P12, 

I'm glad you reached back out and thank you for sharing your experiences! It can definitely be intimidating and difficult to make friendships with other individuals, especially when your mental health condition may at times impact your ability to socialise. 

I think there will be people that don't understand mental health conditions but are willing to learn and others that don't care to understand it either. It's completely up to you on whether or not you feel comfortable disclosing your condition and what point that might occur at. For some people, they might be really open and receptive early on and that might make you feel comfortable to talk to them about it. For others, it might be a more gradual type of disclosure or discussing how your condition affects you rather than what it is. I've personally disclosed my condition with close friends of mine when I find that it might affect aspects of our relationships with one another or just need someone to reach out to. Regardless, they've all been pretty great with listening to me and being understanding/wanting to learn more about it. There were a few that didn't react in the way that I had expected them to or didn't seem to care. We drifted but I was okay with that because I had people I knew that I could count on and that cared about me. There are other people in my life that I wouldn't tell because I don't feel like I could talk to them about it or we might not be at a level that I feel comfortable talking to them about it. Either way, it got very exhausting trying to uphold a certain persona all of the time so having those few people that I could be 100% authentic around were so great for me. I really hope that you can find a way that works for you and make some great connections. All the best 😀

I think it might be worthwhile talking to your psychologist about a different way to approach these conversations if you find you aren't having much luck. You might even want to think of some examples to go over with your psychologist to get some advice. 

[geoff]

Hello P12, we tend to develop new friends differently than we once did, because our personality has changed and MI causes this to happen.

Before I suffered from this illness, my group of friends was widely distributed but as I began to suffer many of these people slowly disappeared, they weren't sure what they should say or had no idea of how to cope when I was struggling, so they vanished.

Well ' how it's done is all up to you', what I mean by this, is that when you suffer from MI you tend to not want to try and make friends because of past experience, but people can connect with you in a different way and not the usual way as before, perhaps they too have experienced MI themselves or had a friend/family member go through it and can read exactly what you are going through, even though you may try and hide it, but a once depressed person can identify it in someone else, usually straight away so a connection can be made.

The couple who remained friends, we had known before either of us had kids, so it was a long friendship where we had helped one another through many good and bad situations.

You are not being disrespectful at all and please ask any question you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Doolhof]

Hi P12,

I find that forming relationships can be tricky at times. It seems we are able to get along with some people easily while it can be hard work to form connections with others.

I was more referring to just trying to be yourself. If that means allowing people to see, to know about, to  acknowledge you have a mental health situation in your life, then it depends on the individual how they react to you.

As a person who believes in God myself, I too have experienced rejection from people, especially if I state some of my beliefs. I do try to accept all people's beliefs and the truths they acknowledge and accept. It is not for me to change people and would like others to respect I may have a different view on life to them.

I sometimes find it helps to ask another person about themselves, that can open up conversation more easily.

For me,  Covid has made socialising more difficult. I work with vulnerable people so am cautious about where I go to interact with people.

You mentioned you like nature, is there a walking group you could join? A group that looks after a park or conservation area? Of course that will all depend on where you live.

The psychologist may have felt that a certain level of disclosure about your health status may have assisted people to better understand and accept you perhaps. That may work well in some areas of life. Some people just don't understand mental health issues though unfortunately.

It is enlightening to have this conversation with you! I hope sharing what you are comfortable with here is helping you as well. Please know I am responding with my own experiences, everyone's journey with mental health issues is different!

[Karen0901]

Hi. 

Sorry to hear you are struggling with making friends. That can be lonely. 

I never tell people I have a mental illness unless I am very close to them. People usually don't understand or don't want to know. I have had a strong friendship dift away after I tried to tell them about some of my experiences. It seems to make people uncomfortable. They can also be very judgemental.

The time you need to tell people is when your mental illness becomes obvious in some way and will effect your friendship or the situation if the information is not shared. You could/should also share it if, they also have a mental illness as they will likely understand and when you are making a romantic relationship serious.