Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

[P12]

I received a suggestion to create a separate discussion after my main discussion has apparently not initiated discussion with other than one other member over the past few months.

I would like to ask if anyone may share their experience disclosing a mental health disorder to others?

I was advised by a psychologist that I would be more successful at making friends if I told prospective friends in advance that I apparently had a disorder. Otherwise they would think I was stupid or expend great effort trying to understand me but fail and give up.

However, since trying this technique, those I have informed have stopped communicating with me. I believe I made more progress feigning a personality. However, this is apparently also unsuccessful as I haven't made a friend either way.

Thank you.

[P12]

After several more experiences, I can now conclude that it is almost always better to not reveal a mental illness to others. Not only do most people not understand the circumstances you are referring to, but many seem to perceive of you as an abnormal person. In my experience this is not normally intentional, but it is part of human nature to avoid abnormal people. Therefore the necessary strategy seems to be to try to maintain a facade when interacting with others, to speak to yourself, to speak with God, to speak to mental illness practitioners, and to use forums and support groups.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear P12,

I have only one true friend in real life…I didn’t tell her about my mental health at all, she found out when I was in a fairly bad way and ended up in a mental health ward….When my friend found out, she stayed by my side…I don’t talk to her about my mental health, I don’t want to burden her with my mental health issues….When I am visiting her or at work with her, I want to just enjoy those times the best I can….and we do…

My work, (volunteer work)..after a couple of small “breakdowns”….crying in the rest room, I disclosed to my boss that I have mental health issues, this was after a couple of years, he was very understanding about it…told me that he is happy with me and my work, if I need a break anytime that it was okay…look after you first…Since that day I told him, my mental health hasn’t been spoken about since…I do what I can as best I can on the days I’m working..my work colleagues also know about my mental health now and they are all accepting of me…..I don’t want to be and they don’t treat me any differently then anyone else….

I think what I’m trying to say is that, long time friends who grow to love us as we are, will more then not accept our mental health…if we feel we need to tell them, at anytime…I think it’s important to try not to use them in a supportive way…not to constantly talk about our mental health with them, because they are not counsellors, not professionals they are our friends, friends we need that bring and keep us in the here and now, when we are out enjoying our time with them….

I use these forums for support, as well as my Dr…because I want and need my friend..to be just that…a friend that when I’m with her, I can escape into another mind frame and give my dark thoughts a back seat for a few hours..

My kindest thoughts Dear P12..

Grandy..

[P12]

If I may change the direction of this thread slightly I would be interested to know others' thoughts about a related question.

It seems to me that (in theory) there are two strategies to try to get people to spend time with you and to form a connection with them.

1. Organise and advertise social events to a large number of (random) people. The hope is that probabilistically some will find those interesting and join. And that some people are more likely to join a large group activity than small group activity.

2. Focus on one person and ask them directly whether they will spend time with you. The hope is that they will sense a feeling of empathy and compassion and agree. And during the activity there is more opportunity for them to negotiate and express their views because they only need to pursuade one person.

In my life I have found Strategy 1 more promising but because I still lack a connection I am curious whether I am doing something wrong and whether someone is willing to give me advice.

Thank you.

[Karen0901]

I'm not good at making friends. However, I think that developing a friendship is more likely to happen in a one on one situation. First you need to become friendly then once you both establish you enjoy being around the other person, to our can ask them to go to an event you both may enjoy. If this goes well, then a friendship can form. 

[P12]

I appreciate your insights Karen0901. How do I find someone willing to speak with me one on one an long enough so that I can follow your suggestion?

[P12]

I feel pretty nervous, emotional, and psychologically unstable at the moment. I experienced something of a breakdown a few days ago. (Though I think it is mild compared to some people.)

I am thinking of telling someone about my mental disorder. I am hoping it might help me accept myself, help me explain why I behave as I do and have difficulty communicating with them as I would like, and by showing courage it might stengthen our connection.

I have known the person for five years. They are the closest I have to a friend at the moment. From what I can guess they probably haven't experienced mental distress to the same extent, but they are more considerate than most I have met, and they do work in a disability industry. They are a bit more socially aware and rational than me; they might already know about me.

I have been considering it for a while. I felt I was close to revealing it four months ago but I guess I wasn't courageous enough or I felt the timing was wrong at the time.

However, I am also worried about how they will react and that it might worsen our connection. My breakdown was partly due to something I heard about them which made me jealous and felt our connection was a bit strained. I am worried I might be overreacting to it.

I am also thinking of trying to get a more formal diagnosis of my condition, and I could use this to phrase my disclosure.

I will be seeing them in three weeks... "Hi _, I want to tell you something which makes me nervous. I am thinking of trying to get diagnosed with _. I have known about it for seven years. I don't know if you care, I just thought you might understand and it might explain why I seem a bit strange sometimes..."

[P12]

Thank you @livi_mivi. I re-read your post from 31-07-2022 and it helped me. I think it is an excellent post.

[P12]

Depending on how my disclosure is received, I was thinking I could add the following:

... "Do you remember the first time we met when I asked you if you could delay your [activity] by fifteen minutes so I could attend, and later in the day when I took my shirt off because it was hot? I guess you probably thought I was strange, because I know now that most people don't do that. Most people I meet get to that point and conclude I am strange and stop communicating with me. But you are different..."

[mmMekitty]

Hello P12

I've read through your last few posts about wanting to talk to your friend about the mental disorder you may have. I think a diagnosis could be helpful. It could give you some some words which summerise your mental health condition, making it easier to tell your friend without having to explain in many more words how you think, feel & how you relate to the world & the difficulties you have with relationships. Having a diagnosis could also help you get to services & support which are available to people with your condition.

However, having a diagnosis could also feel too narrow a description of who you are, like putting a fence around you so you feel restricted to thinking you are your diagnosis & not much more. Of-course, you are far more than any diagnosis. You are a whole complex human being. So, be careful that you don't let any diagnosis become the only way you or anyone defines you.

I like how you have thought about what you want to say to your friend.

I think sitting down together with a coffee or something would help make the discussion more comfortable.

Try to not blurt out everything all at once. Give your friend time to listen & understand what you are saying. Give them time to ask questions, or to simply clarify what you have said.

Are there questions you think your friend might ask? Maybe your friend will want to know more about your diagnosis. Maybe your friend will want to know how they could help you. You might think of more questions your friend might ask.

When you first speak to your friend, they might not have any questions at that meeting.

You have been thinking about this for a while now. Your friend is only just learning this about you. Give them time to think about what you have said. Let them know, if they want, they can ask you questions later.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[P12]

Good evening mmMekitty,

I value your encouragement and advice because I can see you are more experienced in this skillset than me.

I think I have decided to obtain a diagnosis to try to achieve self-acceptance. I won't have it for at least four months, and I would like to tell her when we meet in two weeks. I guess the timing could different, but it is just how things have eventuated. My feelings and instinct tell me now is the right time to share the news. I believe in faith and hope she will interpret it positively but I am of course naturally anxious about the result. I guess I can only try, and I must accept either outcome.

I suppose I am slow in building courage to disclose because it is part of who I am. I believe that honest people will respect my differences.

I will share my news as timely, thoughtfully, and considerately as I know how. I will speak slowly and use as much eye contact as I can.

It's hard for me to predict how she will respond. If I had to guess I think she might be quiet. If think she is a contemplative person like me.

I agree with all of your other points.

I will pray over the next two weeks that it goes well, and regardless that the outcome is honest.