Getting blocked by a close online friend- Feeling the sadness and anxiety the past month

[Bubby36]

This is my first time on here but I look forward to the interactions! My (22 yr old guy) close online friend from America (20 female), I've known since December 2022 blocked me last month and I've been grieving everyday. We were really close, we talked everyday and I even sent her a gift in the mail as she shared her address with me, we were that close. I'm really hurt by how it happened and I tried so hard to prevent it but my anxiety was the driving force of why she did, she tolerated it at first but when life got in the way she couldn't talk or interact as much, but she tried her best. I feel so guilty because she asked for space so many times but I would not give it, in terms of I would always text and get anxious when she doesn't specify a time to get back to me.  The block came out of nowhere but in context we had an argument the night before and when I woke up to greet her good morning, she blocked me upon seeing my text.

I've tried to reach out to friends for advice and help, some helpful more then others. I had a panic attack on the train today as I tried to reach out to a friend from another state by calling her. Her new (3 months) boyfriend saw it and texted me to not do that again but my anxiety compelled me to call and her boyfriend insulted me and accused me of not being her friend as she was being supportive of my situation and therefore blocked me on her account which caused the panic attack as it triggered memories of my American friend blocking me as another person as blocked me (All be it potentially not my fault this time due to the controlling boyfriend). Lucky a man around my age consoled me and gave me some tissues and his attention to talk about how I feel throughout the whole train trip.

Today feels like a new low due that incident on the train and it being 3 weeks since my American friend blocked me. I know I have to move on but I am struggling to accept it, one thing I did that was bad was making alternate accounts to get her attention in order for her to forgive me. I regret that and I realise that is part of my grief to get something back I lost, I really cared for her and that connection with someone is special and I don't have any of that with my existing friends. I hope this is all ok and I can get some responses about some things I can do (I have being seeing a therapist and trying to get a routine) but happiness is hard to come by, every happy thing I do seems to not work and I have felt sadness every single day for a month.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm really glad you are seeing a therapist as these events need sorting out as they will place pressure on you.

There is a Aussie singer called Missy Higgins that once said "I treat friendships as fluid, they ebb and flow, they come and go". If you dont have that approach to friends you will get hurt bigtime. The older you get the more that some friends stick with you long term as I've noticed in my 60's, as we are more flexible and mature, we accept people's quirkiness more.

It does seem that people can "cling" to others and this can be seen as suffocating. It seems to me that messaging a friend every morning is excessive contact. It also highlights that even though you had such regular contact you might not have known her as well as you thought in terms of her tolerance. Just because she messaged you back just as regularly sometimes people need that space to get on with real living that doesnt include what they see as obligation. Obligation is a perfect word to describe what some people feel with friends on social media as they might not be replying for eagerness to reply but by obligation and so the seeds of frustration are sown and being not direct human contact you dont see that frustration on their face.

So social media has its limits and close regular messaging has the potential to harm, hence in the end the easy option is not to explain all this and give you a second chance but rather say to herself "ok, I can no longer deal with this, I feel restricted, obliged to reply... I'll block... end of problem".

So you might have difficulty having the perception of causing frustration and on SM that is common.

On that "controlling boyfriend", he could be the protecting boyfriend which is not such a negative as describing him as "controlling". In these situations whereby you have some difficulties with people it is far better to seek those that have similar problems and you have done very well doing that by posting here. I think posting here where "birds of a feather" are, is the best way you can get the support and guidance you need rather than put friendships at risk.

On a positive note, people that cling to others have on thing in common, they have a high level of love to give to others. So you are a loving and giving soul that just needs to pull back a little and wait until they message you from their freewill rather than... obligation.

Glad you are here.

TonyWK

[Bubby36]

Hi Tony thank you for the reply!

I think your quote at the start really works well, I have a hard time of accepting and viewing friendships as things that can change. I think you are right in terms of its hard to read in between the lines in this setting I think inherently I felt there was an obligation to text everyday and when that stopped on her front, I panicked and tried to take control of the situation being compelled by my anxiety. I think I get what you mean by she might of not been happy replying and felt it was an obligation, as the length of messages reduced over time it felt like she was only ticking the box so I don't get anxious. I think she has given me plenty of chances to change but for some reason, perhaps due to my anxious nature, I could not and I paid the price of our friendship and communication.

And quickly on my other friend's boyfriend on reflection I agree that he might of only been protective of her and him insulting me about using her as a therapist almost must of made him feel upset and although there was no need to be rude and insulting, I understand his decision and your message along with my own reflection has made it easier to move on.

But on the topic of my American friend, I feel deep guilt of what has happened as it seems like I have pushed her away to that point of not wanting to have friendship. Your last paragraph means a lot as I do have a lot of love and care to give to others, I think my expression of it can be a little overwhelming when my anxiety hits and that does hold me back and this whole situation has made me double think of how I can be with other people in the future. 

Again thank you for your reply, I'm sure your view as someone who is much older then me will be of great use to me! That advice at the end is something I am aiming to work through, and despite my appointment with my therapist being cancelled today, I'm glad your reply has given me a lot of relief and hope. One last comment, a big lesson from this is that my anxiety can be destructive to other people and I am often blind to a lot of it, I know I'm not alone in this matter but I feel that only realising it a couple weeks ago, it really is very hard to live with that behavioural pattern but with every advice I get it helps a little!

[white knight]

Marvellous, so happy, you made my day. 

I have two very important posts below- just need to read the first page of each.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

Those two posts particularly the second one could well change your life over time. It did for me, my anxiety returns a little now and then but overall it is eliminated.

Thankyou again. We are here for you anytime.

TonyWK

[Earth Girl]

Hi Bubby36,

I wouldn't blame yourself too much for what happened as it seems you acted this way because you suffer from a lot of anxiety. I understand that you feel bad about pushing her away. Maybe in about 2 years time, when you are feeling well mentally and in a good state of mind (not stressed, anxious, depressed, overly excited, etc), that might be an okay time to just give her a quick apology as this will probably make you both feel a bit better about what happened. You could just give a brief "Hi ..., I just wanted to apologize about what happened because I feel bad about being a bit over bearing. I didn't realize exactly how it would have felt at the time. I understand that you don't want to stay friends anymore and that it okay, I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. I hope you are doing well." And just leave it at that. You probably won't be able to get the friendship back, but it will probably ease both of your minds a bit. But yeah, I definitely would wait quite a while before making an apology and saying anything because if you did it any time soon, it would probably make her more stressed.

You're still a good person, you just made a little mistake which unfortunately cost a really good friendship. I'm sure she still likes you, but it was just getting too much for her (and maybe her boyfriend as well as he may live with her and since he's with her in person, he would have been able to see easier just how stressed she was getting).

There will be plenty of chances to make more really good friendships in the future whether it be online or in person and at least you know now not to do this again when that time comes. It's okay to ask for support from a friend, but if they are asking for space, then it's probably best to give them a break and talk to a real therapist about things even if sometimes taking to a friend can be easier since they know you better. If your friend asks for space, this doesn't mean you'll never be able to ask for their support again, they just need a bit of a break. Mental illnesses can make it very easy to make things a bit overbearing because they make us emotional and it's a very hard thing to go through, but it does get better. 

[Bubby36]

Hi Tony

Thank you again for the support with those pages, I'll be sure to take plenty of notes as I've been doing for the past couple weeks now on this topic to hopefully learn a little more and give myself some hope and guidance! Sometimes I have to remind myself I am a person worthy of having these connections and to be ok with building from the ground up in terms of my anxiety management!

[Bubby36]

Hi Earth Girl!

I definitely agree on what you said about giving it time, I'm not sure if it was clear on the initial post but regardless losing both friends I've mention in particular my American friend has been a tough and hard lesson for me. Upon reflection both friends probably cared for me but it became too much for the people involved in their lives.

I will take your advice on waiting to contact my American friend (but my friend from a different state; the one with the boyfriend, is a bit more difficult since her partner has control of her phone) as I will admit I have been guilty in trying to contact my American friend through other accounts due to my desperation of trying to clarify things but as what Tony said earlier, it is easier in an online setting to block and ignore then face those questions. I still have her address as mentioned in my first post and perhaps in 2 or 3 years down the line if I feel like it I might send her a letter, if she doesn't read it, destroys it or returns to sender then that is her choice and by then I hope to have the will-power not to react and move on swiftly. 

I appreciate your response and one last point is that I agree that when people ask for space it means they need a break but as someone with anxiety I think it becomes really hard for me to compose myself and just wait (when they don't give a time to resume conversation) I am working hard with my therapist to come up with strategies along with self-discoveries about myself. I cherish and am grateful that I met my American friend in particular as we were very close and to use parts of your advice, I hope to look back later down the line as the fun and happy times we shared, untainted by the ending of our bond. I understand that both friendships are probably long lost but again I wanted to thank you for replying with your thoughts and I'll be sure to carry these lessons and not be too hard on myself when these things happen.