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Legal and financial help to get out of toxic relationship
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So all my money is wrapped up and goes into our home account which is just in my fiancees name and he is verbally and physically abusive and dealing with bipolar which I have tried to help him through the last year for was a herion addict 30 years ago and they changed his meds and now is not the person I meet and will not accept that needs help even thought family and I have told him even recorded his out rages and showed him but still just blames me for everything. I can't do this anymore I have tried to help for last year support us looked after him when could get out of bed for days on end and I just can't do anymore but all my money is in our home account that he has control over. I went and saw a couple local solicitors but they wand $400-$500 just for a appointment. I can't access that money or he will know is there any other way can get help. Have spoken to QPS and if he lays another hand on me can have him removed for 48 hours but that's not going to help just make things much worse. I don't know what to do but have video of his outbursts and all just need help to find a way to get out without setting him off. Was our anniversary the weekend just gone and he brought me flowers we went to our fav restaurant and had a good weekend as soon as goes back to work he just starts with the verbal abuse non stop about me and my family when all we have done is helped him for he has no family is like it sets him off something he has done at work or something. I am at my wits end and love him when he is his normal self but that is not very often and keep asking him to come with me and see a new doctor and therapy together but never will for doesn't want to admit he has a issue just wants to blame me my family and everyone around him. I don't know what to do anymore when he starts with the verbal abuse in texts I just ignore and then be nice and make sure everything is perfect at home house clean everything done ask what would like for dinner ... He just goes to work comes home and hides in spare room I am the maid the provider and the one he can lash out on to make himself feel better. I just need a way to get help to access our money which we have always paid double home loan and put into saving when make much less but seem to pay more for all food and household things I pay for. And now just keeps threatening me and telling me to leave when he is having a rage and then when normal loves me. I can't do it anymore.
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Hello Kez77
Thank you for reaching out to Beyond Blue.
Such a difficult & stressful situation for you - I agree, since you have tried & he is refusing to accept he needs help, & won't consider seeing a doctor or anything, plus being incontrol of your money, the rages, the way you are trying to make everything nice at home, ... it all adds up to abuse.
I'd suggest (very strongly), phoning 1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732. These people can help you to leave as safely as possible. I'm not sure about the money, legal matters, though, but I'm sure they can advise you about what your options are.
You are also welcome to talk here, or call BB's counsellors for more direct support. Ph: 1300 224 636.
About the QPS removing him for 48 hours, if he lays a hand on you, this could be your window of opportunity to leave. Again, talk to the people at 1800 RESPECT for the safest & most practical way to do this.
If you are feeling in immediate danger, this is serious & an emergency situation.when calling 000 is appropriate.
Please take care of yourself, keep yourself safe.
Hugzies
mmMekitty
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Hi Kez77
I feel for you so much. To say what you face sounds 'incredibly stressful' would be an understatement. The dread and stress you must be feeling would be overwhelming at times. If you're a sensitive person, someone who can sense easily, it must feel unbearable.
While mmMekitty offers great, loving and helpful advice in the way of guidance, I'm wondering whether you have existing guides in your life who you could perhaps stay with for a couple of days or more, people who could not only offer you some respite from what you face at home but also offer you some guidance while you're free from where you live. To get out of a situation, even if it's just for a break, might give you some time to help gain a clearer perspective in some ways. Maybe a week off work and a change of scenery may allow certain things to naturally come to mind in the way of navigating the way forward. The break could also be something you could gift to your nervous system. Friends or family who could accommodate you free of charge or perhaps raise some well deserved funds, to fund a retreat of some kind, could make things a little more stress free. Accept whatever is on offer.
I think while things like alcohol and drugs can help in the way of emotional management and regulation, when such things are removed from a person's life, what they can be left with are no skills for emotional management and self regulation. What appears to help turns out to be a major hindrance. As a gal who used to use alcohol as a form of management, I never developed a lot of skills in the way of naturally managing my feelings and thoughts and other factors in life. For social anxiety, I drank. For getting out of lows, gaining a carefree sense of self, managing certain stressful situations outside of work, developing a more open mind and the list goes on, I drank. It was only after I stopped drinking that I had to develop skills in these and more areas. Could you say what you observe in your partner is a serious and depressing lack of skills, depressing especially for you? As long as you manage his emotions, everything's fine. With you producing a stress free, happy, comfortable environment for him, everything's fine. The problem with this is, as you know, you're not free to fully express yourself and who you naturally are. For example, if a part of you wants to develop together through guidance counseling, you can't experience that part of yourself. If a part of you wants to set goals with your partner, along with developing some great vision of the future, you can't express or experience the goal setter or seer in you if it triggers him. There are so many parts of you champing at the bit to come to life.
At times I've found that if I can't see the way forward for myself, I look for a seer or someone who can see/imagine the way ahead for me. They become my guide when I'm 'blind'. So many things can blind us: Fear, dread, depression, stress/anxiety, other people's behaviour, deeply challenging situations and the list goes on. It is my deepest heartfelt wish that you come to clearly see the way ahead in a way that best serves you, especially if your partner refuses to follow any vision and guidance you offer him in the way of what would make a healthier and stronger relationship. Take some comfort in knowing you have always been the seer in your relationship, while trying to lead him to see what he flat out refuses to look at for one reason or another. ❤️
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Hi Kez77,
Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re glad you could reach out to the forums. This type of abuse is never okay and we are so deeply sorry that this is something that you experienced so recently.
It sounds like your family is supporting you during this really distressing time which is great to hear. It would have been a huge change to move so quickly and it is no doubt having an emotional impact. We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.
Please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with too here at Beyond Blue. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.
If you are ever in immediate danger, please do not hesitate to call 000.
We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:
Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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