frustrated/furious.

[pipsy]

Hi Pipsy here.  Fed up to the back teeth with hubby and his PRECIOUS family.  Had to go to Centrelink today to sort out for Newstart.  All sorts of hassles with Centrelink, took ages to 'log on', then they asked for permanent address, when I entered it, it wasn't accepted.  I asked for help, was told I was being too aggressive, then told to leave.  Hubby with PRECIOUS mummy/daddy as usual, an hours drive away.  Rang him, told him what was happening.  Was told he won't be home till 'later'.  Why can't he for once tell THEM he needs to go home, I'm more important than them.  Bottom line, I'm not, never will be.  They say 'jump', he says 'how high'.  Hubby wants me to go to the movie with him and some of his friends Thursday night, he should take daddy.  Know how childish that sounded, but this situation has been going on for years.  M/D are late 80's in age, they've driven such a huge wedge between us by abusing me.  I've had no contact with them for over a year, hubby rings them so much, it's pathetic.  He's so emotionally immature, he's just turned 63, wish he'd 'grow up'.  Thought several times about leaving him, but no family of my own, no money.  I thought we'd have a great life together, how wrong I was.  This is going to sound dreadful, but I can't help it, wish they were dead.  I've never wished anyone dead in my life.  My own parents were control freaks and nasty, but they never treated our friends bad.  They were shocking to us, but they would never expect us to put them over our own respective families.  We were always taught your spouses are more important than parents.  My folks were actually extremely independent.  My dad walked away from his family in favour of my mum.  Why can't my hubby do the same. 

Anyway, I've 'vented'.  thanks BB for letting me.

[white knight]

Hi Pipsy, Hope you are feeling better.

Without responding to all of your post I want to address one topic you raised. "Thought several times about leaving him, but no family of my own, no money. "

My little family in 1996 (me, my first wife and two children 7 and 4yo) never had money either. My 11 years of emotional abuse from my then wife was too much to bare. I was so distraught I panned my end. I did have enough money to buy the cheapest of old caravans and towed it to a nearby caravan park. By buying my own van it meant cheap rent.

That first night I'll never forget. Yes I was alone, I was missing me kids, I worried about them missing me and how they would grieve for their full time dad loss....but I was free. And I was alive. Nothing could have made me sadder than my first wife. Her silence, her ability to leave all work to me, her demands, her silence...oh mi, that silence, up to 6 weeks at a time was deafening.

My children, now grown up, still have me, their dad is alive and reasonably well.

My then answer to the emotional pain of loneliness and grief of losing my full time fatherhood, my home, my dog, my neighbours, came from getting busy. Purchased a block of land, built my own house, laughed as I watched my kids playing hopscotch on the house slab etc.

Yes, I was free.

I hope you work it out. But freedom if really needed isn't that far out of your grasp.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Pipsy, hello, and I know what your husband's parents have done not only for him, but to push you aside and have no respect what so ever for you, and I have always felt sorry for you.

Yes they have driven a wedge between you and your husband, but your husband either doesn't believe this to be so, or is just still being controlled by m/d, which we both know to be true, and particularly doesn't care.

Getting online with centrelink is impossible, because I gave up trying to do it ages ago, they say it's easy, but no way, as it's just annoying waiting on the phone for an hour or so.

Why on earth does somebody who is in their latter years in life, just as I am, have to go on Newstart, who is going to employ us, they want younger people or kids to keep their costs down.

Are you still doing your church services, helping out and talking with people.

You won't be able to change what your husband does, until they have passed on, because his addiction is to his parents. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Geoff.  Because other half has officially retired before reaching the age of 65 we both have to apply for Newstart.  Centrelink says that if we don't apply, we get no assistance financially.  I'm 65 next year, so I only have to wait 5 months before aged pension.  Other half as I said is only 63 so the way Centrelink operates, he doesn't get the aged pension till he's 65 & 6 months, which will be about 2018.  I'm not sure how they reach that year, but Centrelink is a law unto themselves, as you probably know.  I am feeling much better now, I stayed in a motel last night and had a long thought about what I want.  Other half will never be able to 'walk away' from m/d as you know.  I told him this morning, you've made your choice, based on that, I've made a decision.  We're finished.  I have found a nice 2 bdrm apartment to rent, not far from here, but far enough away, I don't need to see other half.  I pay the bond tomorrow, and move in when I'm ready.  I told other half, you've made your choice, live with it.  I have also 'given back' all the hurt, that he caused me.  I don't hate him or his family, I feel sorry that they are the way they are.  I will be taking some furniture with me, I can buy some good quality furniture 2nd hand, don't need or require brand new, just nice.  As Tony pointed out, no doubt I will feel lonely at times, but loneliness is better than what I'm living with.  I do wish other half, all the best.  No, I'm not with the church at the moment, I'm so tired from my volunteer work, Sunday's my day of rest.  I may return next year.  I work 3 full days a week.

Thank you so much BB for caring.  I appreciate you following up on my 'call for help'.  Thank you also Geoff and Tony for 'being there'.

[geoff]

dear Pipsy, I am really so pleased that you have decided to move out, your life will change and be so much better, away from m/d and your husband and from his antics that he has always had with how he pushed you aside.

Actually living by yourself is something which we are always frightened of doing but that's the only way I would live by myself and my puppie.

I don't have to expect or argue about where or what our partner/spouse wants us to do, I make all the decisions, it's great.

Please remember that you are entitled to 'rent assistance' from centrelink, and they could have paid your bond money.

All your utilities you can get a discount on because you are receiving centrelink funds, I know that you may know this already.

Try and go to any garage sales you maybe able to pick up all the nic nacs that you love, but I am really pleased that you have made this decision Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Geoff.  Again, many thanks for all your assistance and support.  Funnily enough other half went to a financial advisor in September (he's paranoid about money).  Advisor said he was going to set me up with 'super'.  This has helped pay my bond.  Yes, Centrelink will give me some assistance with rent, utilities etc.  They have a budget service which I spent some time with this morning.  I have worked out, with Newstart, I have enough for food (luckily, I'm not a big eater), I can run my car, plus even shout myself the occasional night out.  It's a lovely unit, internal staircase leading to two bedrooms, small lounge, kitchenette, bathroom, laundry.  It even has a small courtyard.  Because I have a 'mobile' I don't have to get a landline connected.  I'm quite looking forward to moving in about 2 weeks.  Other half agreed to me taking some furniture (he had no choice).  He's annoyed, but that's his problem.  He did admit his mother's getting worse, says his father won't last much longer either.  Because we've been married 25 years, we don't HAVE to see a counsellor.  Other half wouldn't anyway.  I think he's scared to find out where he went wrong.  He's a great believer in telling me what I did wrong, but won't admit he could be wrong too.  I know there's fault on both sides, but at least I'm prepared to admit fault.  At this stage I need time to 'lick' my wounds and care for myself.  I don't think I'm THAT bad a person, other half says I want everything my own way.  All I ever wanted was to be put first in the marriage.  If that's bad, I'm sorry.  

Thank you, Tony, too.  Between you and Geoff, you gave me the courage I needed. 

[white knight]

Splendid news Pipsy.

My first wife drain all my confidence away, telling me everything is my fault too. Her siblings and her were negative cruel people. I'd matchmade one brother in law with a female friend of mine and was best man at their wedding. More on that in a minute.

After 11 years I left and had to face the mirror daily saying aloud "you are a good person and you deserve happiness". Well eventually I met a lady and we were together 10 years.

Then alone again. I had a home built in the hills of central Victoria. I heard the lady I'd matched with my now ex BIL and him had separated so I rang her. Seems she had grown tired of the same arrogance I'd endured with my then wife....with her husband. We dated and married over 5 years ago and life has been blissful. There is mutual respect, sorry isn't a dirty word with either of us, she has strong work ethics, we both love animals, she has always been my daughters favourite auntie now step mum and as she doesn't see her birth mum she calls my wife "mum" now.

So some people can try to suppress you, drag you down until you are guilty of everything it seems. To top it off in your case you are also criticised by his parents but in fact he allows that and the latter is the real problem. There is no way my MIL or FIl could criticise my wife without me intervening and visa versa. My wife and I are for each other, period.

Parents and often when they are grandparents should step back and relax, be supportive but allow their adult children to be parents of their children in their own way, not intervene with their own values etc. They had their time when they were younger. Your husband should have recognised his bond with them went over the line to the point of ostracising you, making you an inferior individual within the family - a lesser equal.  Eventually this was not sustainable for the long term.

Your husband had his chances. He put aside his vows/pledges to you and a spouse. Doomed to fail. But not you, you haven't failed....you just proved with your move to your unit that you are a winner.

And congratulation in your attitude towards him. Hope you can remain friends.

Take care.  Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Tony and Geoff.  Just for the record, last year and for a while this year, I did attend counselling.  Basically, all I got out of it was, change my attitude, other half's parents are elderly, need other half's support.  I was told to support other half emotionally because once parents 'passed' he would need me more than ever.  When my mum died, other half 'let' me mourn for a few months, then told me to 'rise above it,' get over it.  I attended mum's funeral alone (in N.Z) other half said he couldn't afford to take time from work.  We had booked trip to N.Z to visit my mum and his parents, other half would not cancel trip to m/d.  M/d did not care how I felt on losing my mum, there was no compassion. 

That was over 20 years ago, but I've never had any compassion from m/d or other half.  As I said, I don't hate other half or his m/d I've learnt to accept their indifference, but why should I show compassion to other half?   Sorry to 'go on',  just letting you know I've tried EVERYTHING to make this marriage work.  I am actually 'over it' thanks again for all the support.      

[geoff]

dear Pipsy, thanks, and please don't be frightened by living by yourself, it will be better than putting up with all the antics that are going on.

Can I suggest that you get centrelink to take out of payment of so much per fortnight to help pay for your utilities, such as $25 for power, and the same for gas, it's much better than getting an enormous bill that you have to pay. Good luck. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi Geoff.  What you suggested about Centrelink arranging to deduct all utility payments has already been done.  They will also arrange to deduct my rent.  I get ex amount taken out before my pension.  With the budget drawn up, I should be able to manage.  Centrelink said if I get into difficulties, I can arrange to see someone.  They suggest I make other half help me financially.  I may have to see a lawyer about that.  The friend I'm staying with has also been extremely helpful.  I move in about 10 days, can't wait.  In rent, I'm actually paying less than other half where he lives.  The church has also been very good.  I have a washing machine and fridge donated.  That was a complete surprise.

Life's better.  I moved into my friend's late yesterday.