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From wedding/kids talk to being dumped within a week

timewillheal
Community Member

Hi All,

I'm currently struggling with a recent breakup where my bf of 3 years, whom i lived with for 2 years literally broke up with me out of the blue and within 20 minutes was gone. (He's 30, I'm 29). We had no issues in the relationship, only laughs and smiles, there was a lot of love and respect (argued about 4 times max in that whole time). The breakup totally blindsided me - no explanation, no communication, no conversation, he simply just walked out. He then spent the next 6 weeks crying and struggling, contacting me telling me he's depressed and feeling low and of course me being the kind and caring person i am, i was there for him in his time of need. Looking back now, i feel used by him during this time as i was the one who was dumped and yet i was looking after him.

He has now moved back into the apartment we shared, and i've moved out. He told me he was still so confused about his decision and wanted to find clarity and felt that being alone in the apartment would provide that. I bumped into him the other day and it seems he has come to a decision that this is 'the right choice right now'.

Just finding it very difficult how someone can go from having a beautiful, healthy relationship where there was nothing wrong, to absolutely zero contact. We were best friends and he threw it away because he said he 'freaked out' after attending friend's weddings. I wasnt putting any pressure on him for marriage etc, in fact i told him the opposite the week before he broke up with me. His reply was bluntly "i don't feel pressure" - when, in fact, he was feeling a lot of pressure and just didnt tell me. Instead, he would talk about our wedding, kids, houses, future all the while feeling 'pressure' and not communicating with me.

I understand getting over a breakup takes time, it's just very difficult at the moment because everyday is excruciatingly painful. It feels like incessant pain where i just seem to be stuck in some sort of mental pain cycle. There are days where i feel okay and days where i feel so low i just cry the whole time. I wonder whether there is a chance he will 'realise'. I feel better when i talk about it and would love to chat with someone whom is going through the same thing to support each other.

11 Replies 11

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi twh, welcome

From an outsiders view, that has crossed this situation before, if you move on in a physical sense ie distance yourself and engage in distraction activities, if he changes and really wants you he'll find you and be more decisive.

It appears he is the one with the problem and you and your future is on hold because of it.

Suggest counseling and if he refuses then he isnt serious. Sorry but logic over rules emotion in these situations.

Google

Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue

Tony WK

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello timewillheal,

welcome to the forum . This is a caring and supportive place.

I am sorry you have been through such an abrupt end to your relationship.

You may never find out the real reason and maybe your partner does not know either.

You can go over and over and examine the weeks leading up to the break up but this may only see you more frustrated and confused.

Your partner was obviously thinking about things and feeling overwhelmed and maybe he could not tell you as he really did not know either what was happening.

You are so compassionate to care for him when he dumped you.

I think counselling may help and would be good to maybe understand what happened.

I think talking about this with someone who has experienced a similar thing may be helpful and supportive, but you also need to try to focus on the future if you can. It will take time.

Feel free to talk about it here .

Quirky

Hi White Knight,

Thank you for your insight. I read the thread you suggested and was wondering whether emotion over logic in this instance relates to him or me? I've suggested couples counselling and he said "I've thought about this down the track, but want to get my own head sorted first". Him trying to get 'his head sorted' entails shutting people out, not talking about it and going to one therapy session thinking that's enough. He's a stubborn guy, very stubborn.

Hi Quirky,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. It definitely feels like a caring and supportive place which is lovely 🙂

I have definitely spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, how, what reasoning etc etc (so many questions), but you're right it's just left me feeling more frustrated and confused.

Unfortunately it will take time which is just so frustrating because this phase i'm in is so painful and difficult. Thank you for your advice, i'm seeing a psychologist.

I think he has deep set issues with communication, i literally had zero clue this was something he was thinking - especially since he told me so much to the contrary for years. It's difficult knowing that i'll probably never fully know or understand why.

He wants to take me for coffee to 'support me' because he said 'i still care about you', but i believe this is just a way for him to ensure i'm still 'there' in some capacity for him because he made such a rash decision and even told me that he's scared it's the wrong choice. i told him that's his way of buying himself time. It's very difficult because as much i want to see and speak to him, going for coffee isnt enough. I want to spend my life with him, not a coffee meeting for him to ease his guilt.

Cant wait to feel normal again

FragileFamily
Community Member

Hi,

I read your story and I just wanted to say I can relate. I'm going through a similar scenario so the way you described your feelings resonated with my own. It's a tricky situation and I can't say I have any answers but like you mentioned in your post you were looking for somebody going through something similar.

Hi FragileFamily,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. It most definitely isn't easy. I find it comforting knowing i'm not the only person in this kind of situation, because it can feel very lonely. I think the initial shock lasts a lot longer than the normal breakup grief shock stage as it's so unexpected. In a normal relationship, when it breaks down there are signs which one or both parties can see it might not be going so well. However, when everything is totally normal and for us so good and so fun, it makes it a lot more difficult.

I've been reading a lot about romantic narcissists and the more i read, the more i believe my ex has similar traits. For instance, they are perpetually chasing the courtship stage of dating and dont have the emotional intelligence to understand that this doesnt last forever. Therefore, they end things with you out of the blue and then try and replicate that courtship with someone anew, only to realise it's not as exciting as they had imagined and then they come back to you because they always want to makesure you're still 'there' for them. Does this sound similar to your situation? How are you fairing?

Hey timewillheal,

Good to hear back from you. My grieving continues yes. This is the third time my partner has done this out of the blue but this time is definitely the worst and longest lasting. If I had my time again I probably would of walked out the first time. But I have 2 beautiful daughters from the relationship so even if she can't work herself out its not all a loss. She has admitted to being a "hopeless romantic" before and with two young kids it's hard to make time for each other. I don't know or really want to know if she is out seeing other people. All I know is what she feels for me now isn't what she wants. I might do some reading on romantic narcissists I haven't heard of it before. I have found my partner to have similar traits to someone with high functioning bdp and reading about how to interact with these traits has helped alittle bit. Unfortunately I'm now dealing with her wanting to move on overnight and becoming happy co-parents. I fear for what my kids will be exposed to over the years if there mother doesn't start taking responsibility for her actions and seek help. Currently she feels nothing is wrong.

Something that has really helped me out in the last few days is starting every day with an intention and repeat that intention to yourself and just concentrate on achieving that one thing. The first day for me was to be at peace with where I was at with it. The second day was just simply "be humble" and ofcourse today's task is to focus on work. I never really thought it would work for me but most other things I was doing that had worked in the past weren't working. If I start to get down or anxious I revert back to what my intention for that day was and go from there. The most important thing for us both is to look after ourselves right now because that's all we really have control over.

Hi FragileFamily,

Im so sorry to hear that this is the third time you've been put through this rollercoaster. It must be very taxing not only on yourself but your two young daughters, which in turn I would feel would make it even more difficult for you. That's very interesting that you feel your partner has high functioning BPD traits. I think in these difficult times, it's very important to educate ourselves as to how to navigate these kinds of situations and learning how to effectively communicate with your ex-partner by better understanding whether they have issues is key. It would be difficult her wanting to move on overnight and be happy co-parents together. I'm finding it difficult bumping into my ex and knowing what he's doing because of friends etc, i cant even imagine what it would be like having to co-parent. Thinking of you.

I also don't know or want to know whether my ex is out seeing other people - it will only bring more sadness. Ignorance is bliss! I do however know that my ex is acting very strangely, specifically, getting into a physical fight with one of his best and oldest friends. This kind of behaviour is very out of character for him. For me, this shows he's not quite right at the moment and i'm hopeful it will be a catalyst for him to seek professional help.

Your daily intentions sound great - i'm going to do the same thing, thank you for sharing that insight. I do a lot of meditation which helps with the anxiety levels. There's a great app called insight timer which has a lot of good guided meditations. I agree that looking after ourselves is the only thing we have control over, sometimes it's difficult to remember that.

hi timewillheal,

Good to hear back from you again. Hope you are coping ok today. Hoping the falling out with you and a long term friend will be the wake up call he needs to get help. It's important to try and remember just because he may seek help doesn't mean your relationship will return to what it was even if it is a step in the right direction. That's the hardest part to come to terms with I think. What I've been reading in teaching me I'm not the cause nor am I responsible for what she's going through. Even if she decides to get help it'll be a long road back from here if there is one.

In my advice based on my situation alone even if he does return to you saying he messed up and is feeling alot better now I would still encourage him to seek the help he needs. Maybe even make it a condition (though you still can't force it unless he wants to). That's a mistake I made in the past but won't again.

Been breathing, meditating, seeing a psychologist and going to a support group for dad's. The best thing that's been working for me is just talking about it with people.