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Struggling with separation

raineedays
Community Member

Hi there,

My husband and I are currently going through separation and I'm really struggling. We've been together for 8 years, married for 2. In the last year, lots of things changed (jobs, living arrangements..) and in August of last year after a rocky few months he told me that we should separate. We were both very angry all the time and emotional in the months leading up to that point. At the time, I honestly thought it was for the best. He said there was no one else when I asked him, and that he thought it was better to end it now when we didn't want to kill each other. We decided that he would be the one to move out eventually. I told him he could stay living with me for as long as he wanted until he could find elsewhere to go. Then he handed over his computer to me about a month later and in my face (I didn't snoop), there were messages from someone else.... so I threw him out.He's still with her to this day.

I've really struggled from the first day that he said we should separate. I've been seeing psychologist every few weeks, initially when it all happened I was talking to friends, I was and still am forcing myself to keep busy and try to do new things, but every day is a struggle and it all just hurts so much all the time. I force myself to go out and do things and meet new people and I always feel like such a fraud because I feel like I'm putting a front on, pretending its all ok, when I'm not even close. Some days I honestly don't think I've made any progress at all. It just hurts all the time and as much as we had our problems, I find myself wishing I did things differently, or wondering about his new life with her. I just want to delete that whole part of my life and move on, but I really don't think I can. It just hurts all the time and I don't know what else to do.

1 Reply 1

Kat-L
Community Member

Hi raineedays

I really feel for you as that is a long time to be with someone and to effectively lose your best friend x. You are probably grieving at the moment because it is a big loss to you (and him I might add).
I am impressed you are getting out and about and as an introvert I know how hard that can be when you feel down.
But you know what, you don't have to pretend to be happy when you go out as sometimes it is best to just speak your truth and you will find other's are going through exactly the same thing as you!!! Allow yourself to be vulnerable (strangers are often the best ears because you wont be judged) and healing will start to happen and you won't even realise. I grew up with that 'I can't show vulnerability' mindset, but as soon as I allowed myself to show it, I felt more complete.

In terms of unfaithfulness, this is a hard one but you know it is not about you. not.at.all. He was not trying to hurt you, he was not rejecting you (even if it feels like it) but he.... is in fact trying to deal with the break up in his own way. Please try not to take it personally because you deserve better!!! Certainly he should have shown you far more respect. Anyway, the focus now needs to be on you - Not on the 'what if's', not on the 'why's' (why did it happen, what if i had done this etc'. The focus needs to be on defining what you want in your future and knowing you deserve it! Because you can have anything you dream of.

If you can't yet see what you want in your future (not who you want but what; nice house, loving partner, family etc). If you can't yet see how happy you deserve to be and see the dreams you wish to fulfill, then simply try and live in the moment... this means looking around you at what you do have right now, looking at the trees, the sky, the river. Being grateful for little things, seeing the beauty in what you do have, knowing you are part of something bigger then a tiny relationship. Eventually you will know what you truly want and deserve and you have so many years to go. You will heal quickly. He with his 'band-aid' relationship may not.

I hope this helps a little bit x

kat