Four months post medical abortion

[Perry]

I had a medical abortion at the start of December, I have three children, 16,14,12. I separated from my ex in August 25 after 13 years during that not protecting myself against pregnancy happening. I met a new partner, September 25, and fell pregnant 4 weeks after,a week before I found out I was pregnant, the new partner was booked in for a vasectomy which had obviously been on the cards for a while for him. I know at the time I felt funny about him having one but knowing someone for only a few short weeks and not knowing where it was all going I was not in any position to say what are you doing( I should add I am 37 and he is 49). I was having pains so after the first few weeks of going through dr appointments, even an overnight stay in hospital having a small procedure after they though I was having an ectopic (wasn’t) and bleeding a lot after surgery I thought I had lost it but monitoring my hcg levels every two days so which turned out I was still in fact pregnant. I then scheduled an appointment at my local hospital for my options, knowing my very fresh partner didn’t want further children, I was always very sure I would never go through an abortion in saying I also thought I would not fall pregnant but here I was. 
I felt I had everyone around me put so much pressure on me about aborting, surprisingly the only person that told me not to do it was my ex partner as he said you won’t be okay moving forward after it. After a few short weeks that flew by I found myself at 8 weeks and scheduled a further hospital appointment to terminate- I pushed this back a few times. The day came I did not want anyone to come to the appointment with me purely because I thought I would not actually do it, but sitting outside the hospital December 1st, my appointment was scheduled for 1pm to take the the first initial medical abortion pill but it took me 45 mins of crying outside, a phone call from the partner and a friend passing seeing me before I dragged myself in. Still crying saying to the nurse is this normal to cry this much. I just sat there and before I knew it I just swallowed the tablet i thought I quicker I do it then what is done is done. Two days later I took the second pill and within a few hours I felt I was in labour- was the worst thing I have experienced. Now I have so much regret and sadness I feel I can’t get rid of, I am always thinking what if? If my partner was able to I would be trying actively trying 😢 

[Croix]

Dear Perry~

Welcome to the Forum, it is a caring place where many who have lived through terrible times now want to help others.

There is no time-line for how you feel after an abortion. It is a huge thing in a person's life and - particularly with hormone changes not helping - can lead to great feelings of regret, loss, blame for oneself or others and a host of other emotions.

My wife had a miscarriage, which I know is not quite the same thing, however all those emotions came to her and the only way to help relive them was to seek counceling for the greif, loss and regret. It did help so I would strongly advise you seek similar help too.

I can recommend talking with our 24/7 counceling service for advice and to find the best resource in your area

I know you had very mixed feelings with pressure for you to have the abortion and you  new partner not wanting to have children, and it was extremely difficult for you to go though with it. I get the feeling without those pressures you would not have gone ahead, however I'm sure you did what you thought was best in the circumstances, it was a very brave thing to do.

I hope this draws you and your new partner closer together with him being an understanding support.

I also hope that this has not unduly affected your children, who often see things we are trying to keep from them.

You should know you will always be welcome to talk here

Croix