FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Forgiveness and Councelling

Loula
Community Member

I was getting professional help for a while and I was actually finding it really really hard to deal with to the point I wouldn't speak for days, eat or sleep. I just couldn't handle bringing up the past and trying to process it and the world around me. I just fully switched off.

But the thing I wound toughest was talking about family that wronged me and then calling up that night for a chat. Like how does one discus there horrible childhood and then talk all nicely to the one that let those horrible things happen. It's like I'm fuming mad at them, they did this to me, I need help because of them but they are family they love me they want the best for me and I just can't be mean. It felt so weird. Has anyone delt with this before? I just don't know what to think or do about it. Part of me wants to tell them to never talk to me again I literally hate you! (I never use the word hate but that's how I feel) Then your my family I feel sorry do you, I love you, you got no one.

Im just really confused

6 Replies 6

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Loula. Lynda is my name. When we're having any sort of counselling, trying to deal with problems from past issues, causes guilt to get in the way. Then you feel the need to ring up the very people who've hurt you, so, in your mind, you apologise to them for mentioning they're the ones who hurt you. It's a very complex situation, trying to get past the hurt that was done to you. It's almost like you feel you've betrayed them by mentioning what they've said or done. You may have also been brought up believing it's wrong to wash our dirty linen in public. Every time you think about what they did or said to you, the guilt associated with the sense of betrayal (telling someone else what was said or done ), forces you to ring to mentally apologise for betraying the wrong doer. I gather from your post, you're no longer in counselling. I would strongly advise you to return and tell him/her, so they can help you understand and give you some guidelines, so the constant need for forgiveness from your abuser will start to recede. It's quite a normal feeling you have, but you need help overcoming it. I realise you don't actually say to whoever you're talking to that you're sorry for 'telling', but the need for forgiveness on their (the one who hurt you) part is quite enormous. I went through the same thing when I was in counselling. Last year I got the courage to cease contact altogether. The relief I felt from this was unbelievable.

Best wishes.

Loula
Community Member

Hi Lynda,

Thank you for your reply.

I though dont don't and have never felt guilty for metioning a persons name or what has happened to me to someone else. I never felt it like I was washing my dirty linen in publoc. I'm a very honest and blunt person and I 100% believe in speaking the truth and have never felt guilty for speaking it.

I just cant concept going to a Councelling session and then having to talk to the people afterwards that contributed to me being unwell. It's weird. Because I feel angry. I have to fork a few hundred dollars out a week to get help because you screwed me up but I'm meant to love, respect and forgive you when I'm obviously broken. It's just word.

I feel guilty about cutting them out of my life. Because I know they love me and did the best they could even though there best was rubbish but it's to hard to do both things at once. And I know if I say I need a break I will crush them and I can't be a person that hurts people. I like to lift people up.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Loula. If you feel counselling is a waste of time and money, perhaps thinking about what you're getting out of going might be a good idea, before you go again. Can I venture to ask why you keep the counselling going, if you're talking to the people who hurt you after going? You say if you tell them you need a break, it will crush them. I agree, two wrongs don't make a right, but you seem to want to complain to the counsellor, then play 'happy families' afterward. Have you discussed with your counsellor about talking to your family after talking to him/her? Have you told your family you're in counselling because of how much they've hurt you? Are you angry because of having to pay someone, or because of the reasons you're seeing someone? If your family loved you as you seem to think they do, I don't think they would've hurt you as much as they did. Perhaps you should have a talk with your counsellor, tell him/her about the contact you're maintaining, and look at the reasons why you seem to think maintaining contact is a great idea. You like to lift people up, can I ask who was there for you when you needed lifting?

Lynda.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi

My mother has a kind nurturing side.....but its her evil side I can't live with....

Tony WK

Loula
Community Member
I don't feel counselling is a waste of time. I know it will do me good in the end. I just can face it at this time of my life. I think it's better to push all my feeling to the bottom then have then exploding out with me and not being able to handle them and shutting down for days at a time and not being able to talk to anyone or function.
My doctor was great and tried talking about my future fears or ways of getting through the week but in the end everything stems from the past and the only way he thinks I'll be able to bring up this shit is to be on my medication which hell no. Never really talked to him about how to function with my family after a session. I don't think many people have the answer to my problem.
I'm far from playing happy family's. Some people I have told to beep off and haven't talk to in over a year because I believe they are 100% not healthy for me at this time in my life but the others are 50/50. 50% good 50% harmful. I don't talk bad about them and nice to there face I tell them I had to discus this shit because of you. I'm very blunt.
But I feel angry at them and want to scream but what's the point. They won't every really apologise as in there eyes they did the best but in mine they sucked.
I just rather save the 250 a week then spend it on something like this. It's unfair. I shouldn't well no one should have to pay to better them self.
You ask who's lifting me up well it's 100% my husband and weirdly the people I'm struggling with. They are proud I started facing this. One of them has gone into therapy to help understand me better and not to do guilt trips on me and be a better support post for me. And that's great but it doesn't help they are the ones that hurt you.

I fully understand you. And it's hard because zero people are perfect and we all have our good parts and flaws but when we are not well we need people around us 100% at there best. The other side tears us apart 100% more then someone with out a meantl illness.