Relationship and family issues

I suffered in silence because I had to

replies: 3

In 1996, I became involved in a religion after the breakdown of my 2 year marriage to my high school sweeetheat. I was a little bit down but I seemed to get over it, with the help of my 'new friends'. Two years later I married a member of the congreg... View more

In 1996, I became involved in a religion after the breakdown of my 2 year marriage to my high school sweeetheat. I was a little bit down but I seemed to get over it, with the help of my 'new friends'. Two years later I married a member of the congregation who was very loyal to the ministry and the doctrine and I too had become that way. I had essentially cut off all ties to my past including my family after hearing from the pastor that anyone not willing to do this would not he worth of heaven. This was the beginning of my woes. Things seemed to be going on ok, it was 2000, I had a 15 month old son and my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child. We received the news that he had a Trisome 13, a genetic abnormality and would likely pass away at, or during birth. After much thought, we decided to terminate the pregnancy in the 22nd week, actually, my wife made me make the decision as I was the man and it was my duty under the doctrine as head of the house. My son was induced and born normally because he was passed 20 weeks gestation, he didn't pass away before birth as we were led to believe, I heard a faint cry as he struggled to take a breath, for 25 mins. I questioned myself, I chose this, what did I do? Once home, I became withdrawn, distant, no longer wanting to go to church but forcing myself because it was my duty as a father to be an example to my son, maybe going would help. A few weeks passed and with my guilt overwhelming, turned to the pastor for some counselling. The shock came in the answer...I was told to "pray about it". I tried and in the end decided to talk to my wife about how I felt, I received the same answer..."pray about it". I needed to talk, but I felt I had nowhere to turn. Going to a professional counsellor was not an option as that would have me expelled from the church for a period of time. I fell into deep depression, thinking about how to take away the pain, how to end it all. It was the thought of my son that stopped me. My wife fell pregnant again, I panicked! But we had a healthy little girl. By this stage not even that brought happiness. A year later I stopped going to the church and my wife told me to leave the house because I didn't attend church anymore. I tried to re-connect with my family, but the relationship was damaged and never the same. 11 years on, im still recovering, feel alone, my kids have now cut me off, my mother and brother passed away. I'm in counselling now, do I have the tools to continue? I hope so.

Logic says there's a way ahead but I can't see it

replies: 3

I have had too leave my home , too much fighting. I have 4 kids and one of them has been screaming she misses daddy and her world is ending , it's killing me. My wife must be close to breakdown too as the kids aren't sleeping. It's not that I don't l... View more

I have had too leave my home , too much fighting. I have 4 kids and one of them has been screaming she misses daddy and her world is ending , it's killing me. My wife must be close to breakdown too as the kids aren't sleeping. It's not that I don't love her , I am very worried about her but we are destroying each other emotionally its exhausting even writing thishaveI destroyed her world by leaving the house ? I still see them most days of the week after I finish work at 2pm and leave when she comes home at 7 , I have a good time with them and they seem happy when I am about but my 7 yr old is hurting badly when I am not there. I am ripped apart , if I return to the home it will be a future of unhappiness , my wife and I cannot see past each other's weaknesses. in the past I've suffered from anxiety but not depression but I am finding hard to see past today let alone make plans for the next few weeks , I just see a wall, I am paralysed and I have no home anymore i am riddled with guilt but I couldn't bear the fighting anymore and neither could she but the guilt undermines any brief happiness I stumble across accidentally each day.i used to not notice the clock tick but I hear every second nowi am planning on finding a room to rent close by as I can't afford anything more but the gulf back to normality seems so vast.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Whats the point

replies: 7

I was in a relationship for 8 yrs with a man who helped me to regain my self esteem after a bad marriage, he made me feel like I was the most wonderful, sexy , smart and attractive woman alive. And then he left me, he chose someone else. I loved this... View more

I was in a relationship for 8 yrs with a man who helped me to regain my self esteem after a bad marriage, he made me feel like I was the most wonderful, sexy , smart and attractive woman alive. And then he left me, he chose someone else. I loved this man so much, I really believed that we were soul mates. Its now obvious that he didn’t love me as much as I thought which leads me to think everything he ever told me about me was a lie. He simply told me what I wanted to hear. Now my self esteem has taken a massive nose dive. I am really struggling to recover from this. The relationship ended over a year ago. At the start of this year my 2 daughters moved out with their boyfriends, I moved into a small house close to my work. I am living alone for the first time in my entire life. At first everything was ok, when the relationship ended I still had my girls around and there was always something to keep me busy. When I moved I was excited, I loved the thought of being on my own, doing my own thing ect. But these last few months I seem to have gone downhill. I feel teary all the time, I question my purpose for being alive. I just work to pay bills, I don’t do anything, I don’t socialize, I don’t have any friends. I don’t visit family. I don’t visit my grandkids… I work rotating shifts which means I have different days off each week. I don’t want to interrupt my kids lives just so I could visit. I have tried dating again but I feel so insecure, worthless. What’s the point in trying to sell my good qualities when I have so many bad ones. I am old, 52, I am overweight, I smoke and I have a broken heart that may never mend. The thing is, I have always been a strong person, I have always figured things out, I get up brush myself off and move on. But this time I can’t, nothing I have tried seems to work. It ‘s like I deliberately sabotage my own efforts to feel good about myself.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

struggling with the care of my frail mother

replies: 9

Hi friends, I am new to this forum and not sure if I'm in the right place. I am struggling with the care of my frail mother who has advanced memory-loss and paranoid schizophrenia. I have been in and out of a state of 'slow grief' for almost two year... View more

Hi friends, I am new to this forum and not sure if I'm in the right place. I am struggling with the care of my frail mother who has advanced memory-loss and paranoid schizophrenia. I have been in and out of a state of 'slow grief' for almost two years, as the mother I love slowly disintegrates in front of me. I had to put her into an aged care facility when she was 74. She has been my best friend and confidante, and was so learned and wise... now she doesn't know where she lives, and has forgotten how to turn the TV on (among many, many other things) and I can't talk to her about much. She often just sits and stares at me, vacantly, and it breaks my heart. My two brothers won't help, although one of them visits Mum about once a month for an hour or so. He's the one who moved house last year and didn't tell me where to. The other one is too busy with his own life, and holding a grudge over some of Mum's bad behaviour to him, because she is ill. My husband and daughters help me as much as they can, but its always me Mum wants to talk to, often phoning 3, 6, 10 times a day. I want it to be over. Then I feel disgusted and ashamed with myself because it being 'over' would mean Mum dying, and I know I would miss her, but not this 'other' lost, frail person' she has become. When well-meaning friends say "At least you still have your mother?", I feel even more isolated in my grief, because they clearly know nothing about this 'long goodbye', and how much of her has already died right in front of my eyes... yet I still have to keep showing up for her, this stranger. My daughters are amazing, and have been worried about me and want me to get some help, so I don't end up like mum. I thought maybe coming to this site was a step in the right direction.

very hurt and confused!

replies: 2

hi guys, my first go here.i am an ex copper from vic who was diagnosed in 2008 with ptsd after several murders i attended. I was in denial for a few years and hurting the current mother of my 2 kids 4 and 2, now we live apart as of april this year. i... View more

hi guys, my first go here.i am an ex copper from vic who was diagnosed in 2008 with ptsd after several murders i attended. I was in denial for a few years and hurting the current mother of my 2 kids 4 and 2, now we live apart as of april this year. i began with out knowing, just struggling to be intimate with her. I also viewed a website out of curiosity due to mates talking about it which she noticed and immediately left me thinking this was the reason. I moved back to live with her and so our journey began. I was grumpy, irrational, indecisive, not into her although i still knew that she was my sole mate but i couldn't understand why i was being so not into her. She is hot as hell! i had lied to her in the first few months about cheating on my previous girlfriend which was also what that girlfriend had done to me so we broke up telling each other this. i later apologised about this lie which i thought she had excused me for. Anyway, after attending a doctor which she suggested, i was diagnosed. so began my journey of living with major depression and anxiety.we conceived our first daughter and although over the moon, very nervous also as my behaviours were very irratic. I wasn't violent or aggressive, just couldn't confront any disagreements we had, it was easier to walk and say i didn't want the relationship even though i was so in love! This hurt in a big way.so we had our second, me working as an apprentice carpenter at this stage, her at home with kids, me running a boxing gym to make payments. we were both really tired and at each other a bit, my behaviour was not the best at times with the kids. i started meds which she even commented my behaviours were better. i then took my self off them. i went down hill again, no intimacy, sleeping in a different bed, still madly in love though. she observed porn stuff on my computer again and all there pop ups thinking i was getting it elsewhere again. so i responded in saying i don't want to be in the relationship anymore.then i started having suspicions of her with a work colleague, many things happening. she then moved out and i have just been told by her work friends that there is something going on and has been for sometime. as she never wanted to attend counselling or anything to try and resolve the situation, before she moved out, and denies everything, i love her so much and want our family together no matter what! any thoughts?

Miserable & Alone

replies: 2

Hi I'm 28 years old. Have been on anti depressants for a year or two now. Thinking I may need to up them or change. I've recently got back into the dating game (since August 2013) after a long on and off type relationship with my ex boyfriend. I have... View more

Hi I'm 28 years old. Have been on anti depressants for a year or two now. Thinking I may need to up them or change. I've recently got back into the dating game (since August 2013) after a long on and off type relationship with my ex boyfriend. I have tried the online dating thing, met about 20 guys. Really thinking that its never going to happen for me, Everytime I seem to be happy and things are going great its like it just all of a sudden turns to crap. One guy i was seeing for about a month all of a sudden was no longer interested in me. I also fell pregnant to the ex of 10 years back in 2012 and miscarried. This is one thing that everyday i think about. I have dealt with the loss but will never forget. I've always wanted to be a Mummy and have a family. But beginning to think that this is never going to happen. I have come on here to just vent to people I don't know and that won't judge me. I kinda just feel a bit numb and lost at the moment.

When will it end?

replies: 4

I was married to my childhood sweetheart for 24 years. 2 beautiful children, lovely house and plans for our future. My husband had been unhappy at work and quite moody with it. We had discussed him leaving his job and looking for something else. He w... View more

I was married to my childhood sweetheart for 24 years. 2 beautiful children, lovely house and plans for our future. My husband had been unhappy at work and quite moody with it. We had discussed him leaving his job and looking for something else. He went to work one day and I was concerned about him, so I called him at lunch time to check that everything was ok. That was when my life fell apart and he told me he was having an affair with a lady he met and slept with at the office Christmas party the previous year. Four days earlier we had been sitting around the table making travel plans for our 25th wedding anniversary and joking about how we would travel the world once the girls were out on their own. It hit me like a freight train. In the same phone call he told me that he was moving in with this woman, that she was his soul mate. that was 18 months ago. I've held it together pretty well. Sold the house, did the financial agreement, purchased a property, did the divorce papers, worked full time and kept my girls supported. I thought with the divorce it would finally be over and I could stop feeling so out of control and worthless all the time, but I think maybe I have been holding it all in for 18 months and now that I've finished sorting the emotions are having their turn. In the last few weeks I've struggled to get out of bed every day and I feel tired all the time. My emotions are all over the place - irritable, sad, lonely. I feel ashamed and humiliated by what he did and then angry that I feel that way and then ashamed again that I have become this wreck of a person. I cry at the drop of a hat and I that just makes me feel worse because I should be starting to feel better and I just am feeling worse each day. I am normally an in-control person and I just feel so out of control. When does it stop? I just want to stop feeling like this every single day.

Where is my friend?

replies: 11

Growing up my family moved very often. In fact I never attended the same school more than two years consecutive. As an adult I joined the military and moved to different towns quite often myself. As a result of my nomadic lifestyle growing up, I beca... View more

Growing up my family moved very often. In fact I never attended the same school more than two years consecutive. As an adult I joined the military and moved to different towns quite often myself. As a result of my nomadic lifestyle growing up, I became quite used to meeting new people and speaking with strangers. Unfortunately I really didn't have any friends last more than a couple of years. So I suppose I really didn't learn how to make a long term relationship work until after I got married. And then it was always the hard way. My only long term friend, outside of a work colleague, has been my wife. Now she's gone. I can make short acquaintances for a couple hours, but nothing that is likely to last more than to the next time I bump into them at the next public social. No real friendship ever cones. Come to think of it, the last time anyone ever rang to ask me to participate in a social event was when I was in the military. Over 30 years ago. No one wants to be friends with someone who has issues. So any idea where someone with problems goes to meet people with problems?

No friends

replies: 2

Hi, Im new to the forums. I guess Ive ended up here looking for some advise. Im not sure if Im depressed. I know I have unhealthy thinking patterns sometimes. I think Im more dysthymic which I guess is a form of depression. I practice meditation, exe... View more

Hi, Im new to the forums. I guess Ive ended up here looking for some advise. Im not sure if Im depressed. I know I have unhealthy thinking patterns sometimes. I think Im more dysthymic which I guess is a form of depression. I practice meditation, exercise and use st johns wort so I seem to be managing it ok at the moment. My main concern is a pattern I see in my relationships that has been ongoing for many years, decades in fact. I just cannot seem to maintain friendships with anyone. I end up feeling very disappointed in people. I meet people and at first I seem to click well with them then they will do or say something nasty, spiteful or thoughtless etc and it turns me off them and I go into avoid mode. I also discover quite often after Ive known someone for a while that they have issues with alcohol. For example once they start to drink they can't or dont stop and end up really legless and abusive. A nasty streak is revealed. This has happened to me often enough to make me feel like its not a coincidence and that perhaps Im attracted to these sorts of people. My father was an abusive alcoholic and Im wondering if there is something about these people that feels comfortable or familiar to me because of my childhood??? Anyway so I end up preferring to be alone because I just find people way to difficult to deal with. I cannot tolerate the substance abuse, the dramas, the egos, the petty jealousies and resentment etc etc. The problem is I feel very lonely and long to connect with people in a meaningful way but never meet people who I consider mentally healthy enough to want in my life. I know nobody is perfect and I am far from it but surely there are people out there who are on a path towards self realisation instead of self destruction. Where do you meet healthy likeminded people in this money, looks, status, alcohol obsessed society?

CHILDREN- do you love unconditionally?

replies: 3

I'll try to be specific in this long torturous journey with my youngest daughter. My eldest daughter (now 25) left her mothers home at 12yo and never went back. she had been subjected to emotional abuse like I had been when I was married for 11 years... View more

I'll try to be specific in this long torturous journey with my youngest daughter. My eldest daughter (now 25) left her mothers home at 12yo and never went back. she had been subjected to emotional abuse like I had been when I was married for 11 years. My eldest has zero contact with her mother for that reason. My youngest daughter is more like her mother in nature, has adopted her behaviour and both my eldest daughter and myself have had difficulty keeping a relationship with her together. Subsequently my eldest wont have anything to do with her younger sister. I first tasted problems with my youngest when she was 14yo. Since she was 4yo she spent every second w/end with me and more time over school holidays. Then out of the blue "I dont want to see you anymore". Just like her mother she gave no reason and went silent. I endured years of on and off silence from her mother during our marriage. I was afraid she had picked up her mothers traits. The on and off again relationship started from there. As a dad I'd supported her financial over and beyond her mothers child support including a one off extra payment to cover her dental/jaw operations , a total of $14000. So there should be no concern there. It ends up a guessing game. I always prided myself to loving my children unconditionally. Up until last week it wouldnt matter what my children did to me, I would always be there for them- always. But last week at the end of a 6 weeks period of my youngest having e as a friend on Facebook then dropping e off without warning....I came to the conclusion after 8 years of this yo-yo relationship, always at her whim, that it was over. I've withdrawn my fatherhood from her. She doesnt know it yet. When she again want to come bck into my life I will ask her to explain what she wants...if it doesnt not include an apology, a recognition of her hurt to me, then there is no reason for me to chat further. eg the door is a tiny bit ajar but in reality I know her spot on her leopard skin wont change. This stance is unusual for me. How much is enough? Losing the love of a child can be heart wrenching. Many times over and it can drain you, hurt you indescribably and other loving friends and family watch you decline until you get yourself together again. There is a time, a moment that comes around when you say- no more. For many of us it is a form of survival, emotional survival, so you can more on to focus more on those that really love you- unconditionally, the way you love them..

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I suffered in silence because I had to

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