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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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AbbyAjax My mother is a narcissist - will I be one too?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am now discovering my mother may have been narcissistic, I had an abusive step father. I am now am now in my mid forties with two children. my question is what are the traits of the children of narcissistic parents? How can I be a better person... View more

Hi, I am now discovering my mother may have been narcissistic, I had an abusive step father. I am now am now in my mid forties with two children. my question is what are the traits of the children of narcissistic parents? How can I be a better person? How can I deal with my mother if I see her in the street? (she is not talking to me)

Sad79 I don't know who I am.
  • replies: 1

Hi, I had been married for 12 years and together for 15. I have found out that he has been unfaithful. For sometime we we fairly separate in most things that we done e.g he would go fishing for weeks. We have only had 2 holidays together (the last on... View more

Hi, I had been married for 12 years and together for 15. I have found out that he has been unfaithful. For sometime we we fairly separate in most things that we done e.g he would go fishing for weeks. We have only had 2 holidays together (the last one was our honeymoon) apart from a rare weekend away. The reason for the breakdown in his eyes is due to the sexual part of the relationship. We have 2 children 9&6 . I don't know even who I am, as I have always followed him and been a mother. I work full time to support us financially. We now live a long way away from my family as he wanted to move for work 4 years ago.

verysadlady My depressed fiance ripped our lives apart and I need support
  • replies: 13

Hi all I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man. We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four. I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherishe... View more

Hi all I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man. We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four. I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherished each other. Ours was always the house where the kids in the street would come to play. He was always the man who went out to cut the grass and help out the neighbours if they needed it. He was the world’s best father. He was the Partner and Dad who always put his family before everything. We were both each other's reason for living and could not stand to be parted from each other. We were engaged and were planning to get married in 2015 and both of us couldn’t wait. We would have done it already long ago if we had the money! For the sake of not making this a 10 page post, I will say that we came under enormous and prolonged stress in our lives, and he “snapped” and left me completely out of the blue with nothing more than a text to say he “could not do it anymore”. To add to the drama, him doing this left myself and my son with no place to live and I had no choice but to return to my family (that live a long distance away). We pretty much lost home, family and life overnight and all through it he was a cold, emotionless stranger. When I returned a few weeks later to pack up my furniture and belongings he was a broken man. He had hives all over him, he had chest pains, IBM, vomiting, constant crying. He was saying he wished he had not done what he did but he could not cope. I suggested he see a doctor. He did and he was diagnosed with a “breakdown” and depression . I wanted to come “home” and look after him, but for some reason he did not want me to. He insisted on being alone and I had no choice but to leave and go back to my family again. He started anti depressants and counselling and over a few weeks he went from being hostile and very cold to me, to realising that he was actually ill and had perhaps done the wrong thing. Two weeks ago he made the considerable effort of travelling to see me (a fair effort for him to make the flight and the drive when he’s depressed) to tell me that he regretted what he did and still loved me as much as he always did. He said he felt no emotions at all and this had confused him into thinking it was over between us. He realises now that it makes no sense for this to happen over a week in an otherwise happy relationship. He said he was very, very ill and needed to “sort himself out” and I have agreed to wait and offer him support. Now he has returned “home” and I am still on the other side of the country with my family. He has moved into a small apartment now and lives alone with just his son every other weekend. He is getting treatment, but he’s still in a bad way, to the point where I frequently feel worried. We are now talking almost every day but he is nowhere near as keep to speak to me as he used to be, which is very hurtful sometimes. Meanwhile as he builds a new life for himself that no longer really includes me or our family, I am staying with family with no real home of my own. All our stuff is in storage. My son is in a temporary school. I am supposed to be sorting us out to move back, but for work reasons the place I need to move to will be about three hours from him. He says he will visit every other weekend and we will build it from there. I hate the idea of starting a new life as a single Mum hours away from where we lived. I am so sad for the life we lost. Not just for me, but for my son who lost his "Dad" and "Brother" and the only life he really knows. Some days I feel full of hope. I feel like we love each other so much that we can find a way through this, and I know that he needs me to keep faith and hope in him to get through this illness. Other days I feel so angry. He has his home, he has his job, he has his son safely tucked away in his usual bedroom and his usual school; whereas me and my son lost everything in this and he can't even offer me any emotional support because he is too ill. We were a family and if he was ill I could have helped him and nursed him through it. Now I am supposed to leave, start my own life and start dating my own fiance long distance? It seems like he is asking a hell of a lot. I can't be angry though, because he doesn't know what he is doing or thinking. I feel very alone. Does anyone else have similar experiences?

overthis What do I do?
  • replies: 2

Firstly I just want to ask you not to judge me, as I have been beating myself up about this every day for the last 5 years. I met Henry while on a girls night out in 2008. He charmed me with his smile, and asked me to dance. It was then that I fell f... View more

Firstly I just want to ask you not to judge me, as I have been beating myself up about this every day for the last 5 years. I met Henry while on a girls night out in 2008. He charmed me with his smile, and asked me to dance. It was then that I fell for him. I quickly found out that Henry was married, and told him many times that we couldn't be together, however just when I thought I was over him he would knock on my door asking for another chance. As time went on he wore me down and I decided to follow my heart instead of my head. Henry and I saw each other whenever we could. I knew that his company had folded and he had to sell his family home to pay some of the debt. He was a very proud man and this was a real blow to his self esteem. I knew that he occasionally took drugs and drank (these all should have rang alarm bells), but never while he was around me. He began to look tired, but would always say that he was fine when I would ask him if he was ok. On a cold day in July 2011 there was a knock at my door, and it was Henry. He looked AMAZING! He was dressed in brand new clothes, was freshly shaven and had a new haircut. He just radiated confidence.This was the Henry that I met all those years ago. We spent time together and I remember saying to him that if he found himself with nothing to do that weekend he should drop by. I was in love. About a week went by and I hadn't heard from him, this wasn't unusual due to the circumstances of our relationship. I never purchased the local Saturday paper, but decided to on this particular day. While flicking through the sports section I saw that the local Rugby club had 1 minute silence out of respect to Henry, who was tragically killed the week before. HENRY HAD DIED. My world stood still. My love had been taken. I kept reading the article over and over hoping that the name would change, but it wouldn't. I also found out that his funeral was held on the Friday before the paper's release. I didn't know what to do. I needed to see him, to say goodbye, to make it real. I called the funeral home in tears but they could not disclose any details to me as I was not his immediate family. I couldn't talk to my family or friends because no one knew that we were together, and they would frown on this type of relationship. I locked myself away from the world and cried. I had to try to keep functioning at work although I was dying inside. Slowly word got out that Henry had committed suicide, and it happened the day after I saw him looking so great. Rumour has it that he called his wife to say goodbye and she didn't get to him in time. I don't want to know how he died or why he died; I just want him back. I've heard people say that there is a sense of calm that comes over a person once they have decided to take their own life, and I believe it after seeing him that last time. I have stopped feeling angry at him for leaving me the way he did. I am angry at myself for not realising he was needing help. I am angry at myself for getting myself into this situation. I am angry at myself for not being able to stop crying while I write this. I am angry at myself for not being able to delete his photo or his number from my phone. I am angry at myself because I dont know how to say goodbye. I thought that moving towns would help but it hasn't. I think about Henry every single day. I need to move on with my life but I dont want to forget him. How do I stop crying? I should probably also mention that I have severe depression and have been on medication for this since 2000 when I was in an abusive relationship. Please help me.

guest75 Its Not Fair
  • replies: 12

Im sorry for posting this, but i needed to vent and i dont have anyone i can talk to. I have my mother who i am living with but we dont have the sort of relationship where we can talk about stuff, she didnt even meet my partner until our engagement p... View more

Im sorry for posting this, but i needed to vent and i dont have anyone i can talk to. I have my mother who i am living with but we dont have the sort of relationship where we can talk about stuff, she didnt even meet my partner until our engagement party. THe only person ive ever had that i could talk about my emotions with was my partner and i dont have her now I am a good person. I love my kids, they are my world. i love my partner, unconditionally - despite everything i am still in love with her and want to be with her. I dont drink (maybe once or twice a year max). I dont smoke (never smoked 1 cigarette). i dont gamble (not even on the melbourne cup). I dont do drugs (ever). i have even given up drinking coca cola because my psychologist said caffeine can effect my moods i was a good provider. i worked at jobs i hated so that she could stay at home and raise the kids full time. she was a full time mum for all 3 of the kids, they never had to go to day care so she could work. I worked horrible shifts (7pm=7am) for over 4 years so that she didnt have to work and could be with the kids. When this stupid illness got a hold of me and i left my last job and have unemployed since, because i had worked as hard as i did we had enough in our savings as a buffer for that to happen i am an affectionate person, i hug my kids whenever i can, i tell them i love them, I wanted to be close with my partner whenever i could. i would ALWAYS tell her i love her whenever i was leaving the house or she was even for just a short trip to the supermarket this stupid illness got a hold of me , my moods started to change. i am not blaming for the illness for the things i said or the things i did, they were choices i made. i am blaming the illness for the mood swings. now i feel abandoned, i need her help to get passed this. im fighting as hard as as i can. but i need help and im left to fight alone. its not fair sorry for venting on here

Sadnlonely So lonely, lost and sad
  • replies: 5

Hi there, I'm new here but I'm not new to suffering from anxiety and depression. I was hospitalised suffering from a breakdown at age 21 in 2006. Since then I have had ups and downs but mostly I just feel lost and empty inside like I lost track of wh... View more

Hi there, I'm new here but I'm not new to suffering from anxiety and depression. I was hospitalised suffering from a breakdown at age 21 in 2006. Since then I have had ups and downs but mostly I just feel lost and empty inside like I lost track of who I am and where I was going in life. I have suffered from crippling anxiety attacks in the past which left me fearful and them the depression set in which left me feeling hopeless. Earlier this year my long term (10yr) on-off relationship (and only real friend) ended. I thought I would be ok and move on but it has really affected me. I feel worthless most of the time and like a part of me is missing that I will never get back. I keep remembering back to when I was 18-21, confident and easy going and I feel like my life spiralled out of control. Even though I work full time, I don't have a career or any sense of direction which doesn't help my self esteem. I haven't had any friends for years (they didn't want anything to do with me after they found out I had a breakdown). I feel like I exist to work, sleep and eventually die. I have tried counselling, natural therapies and I'm also on medication but there's times when I still feel hopeless like I have no control of my life and that no one actually cares about me. I don't have anyone to talk to about how im feeling as my mothers answer is 'get the doctor to change your medication' - it's not that simple. If anyone has some suggestions please let me know.

camilla Husband is depressed, left.
  • replies: 6

My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is the most loving, gentle, kind-hearted man and never cruel. He suffered depression as a teenager (was institutionalised after suicide attempts), and 4 years ago he left me - after a bout of depression... View more

My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is the most loving, gentle, kind-hearted man and never cruel. He suffered depression as a teenager (was institutionalised after suicide attempts), and 4 years ago he left me - after a bout of depression, but we went to couples counseling and were reconciled a few weeks later. While it was sad and I was hurt, there was no acrimony between us. I have always been sincerely supportive of my husband’s depression, which ebbs and flows, more than anyone in his life. Other people in my family suffer depression, and I have lived my life taking care of him sometimes more than myself, and being genuinely happy to do it. I am the closest person he has had to him in his life, and he only started going to therapy for the first time in a decade mid-2013 after he had an episode and I encouraged him to seek out professional help. We talked a lot, at his pleasure, about his feelings and mindset without pressuring him to talk, and he said he was feeling a lot better. We had being trying to have a baby and I said we should stop until he felt more confident about us and his own life. After he started therapy this year, he asked if we could try again and buy a house, as those were really things he wanted. He asked me to trust him, and told me (every day) that he adored and loved me. He told me I was his emotional guardian and things were looking better. A few months later, he left - telling me he wanted to move to the bush and never have children. He wasn’t acting like himself, he was telling me I was a horrible person, with no values or moral compass, and that I was too materialistic. He said I couldn’t change into a better person and that he never wanted me in his life again. He was showing no empathy, making no eye contact, and it was really confronting for me to see. I told him it was going to be OK, and we would do whatever he needed to feel better. He told me he wasn't depressed, that I was the problem, and that he never wanted my help again. The next morning he went to therapy, and came home and told me it was over because I was a bad person and he didn’t want to give me anything anymore. His parents called me frantic that he was having an episode again, after such a long time, and we communicated with each other every day about what was happening - we were seeing the same behaviours that were so unlike him. He didn’t care that I might be pregnant and had no place to live as a result of his actions. He went away for a month, camping, and came back and wanted to talk. He told other people he wanted to reconcile with me. We spoke a couple of weeks later and he said he “went crazy” when he left, but it wasn’t an episode and that there was nothing for him to work through. He said he was sorry for being cruel, but he didn’t want to work on the marriage. I feel he has determined the marriage is what’s made him so unhappy, and that while that obviously may be true, it's also possible that he is not dealing with his depression. Going to therapy myself, I have come the realisation that we really did have an open, honest, caring marriage where no one was trapped into a certain way of life and all doors were open. That’s not to say it was perfect - of course not - but it was certainly emotionally healthy and loving. I am still very worried about him, though I accept that he doesn’t want me in his life any more. His friends told him that he should leave me because I don’t deserve to be messed around, but I don’t feel that is their business, or that they understand his history of mental illness. I feel they encouraged him to run away (away from his family and support network), when they should have communicated with me, or his parents, so we could all try to work together to take care of him. I feel his therapy has not been very helpful, and would like to encourage him to try another therapist or style of therapy. As that’s not my job anymore, I’m finding it hard to let go of caring for him, obviously loving him, and of course finding it incredibly hard to take care of myself at this time. Don’t know what to do… I feel terribly guilty I have not gone after him - that even though I believe my presence is making things worse, that it’s my fault he is so sad, and that I’ve been a terrible partner to him.

Becca91lou Clingy and want to feel myself
  • replies: 2

I am 22 and live on my own near my dads street all my friends live back in my home town. i moved due to work. I have always been a strong girl until about two months ago. My dad (who is my world, my main person) fell ill at still a young age and was ... View more

I am 22 and live on my own near my dads street all my friends live back in my home town. i moved due to work. I have always been a strong girl until about two months ago. My dad (who is my world, my main person) fell ill at still a young age and was in hospital for a month and one week. Within the first week of being in hospital my toddler cousin died from tragic circumstances. I was still being the strong person for dad but my cousins funeral really got to me, my family's howling, his mum running for the tiny coffin and dad attended the funeral on medication and temporarily collapsed and I caught him - kind of his approx 80kgs heavier than me. The next day when visiting my dad in hospital, when it came time to leave, I started to panick and had a panick attack every 15 mins for 4 hours in his room. This had never happened to me Before. The nurses and psychologist at his hospital tried to help but they realised I was not safe to go home and there was no sign of me calming down. I was sobbing then laughing then really angry then numb and quiet and then repeat whilst banging my head and digging my nails into my skin. The hospital called an ambulance and took me to an intensive psych ward. I ended up having to stay for 2 weeks and 2 days for 'observation' it was awful. Upon discharge i was told i had no psychotic illness and what i experienced was a temporary mixed emotive state due to truggers. When I got out I had severe side effects to medication and luckily had my amazing GP got me off them straight away. Anyway to the point - I was with people every day who were looking after me in the ward and when I got out I had no support none even from the man I was in love with. So I went to my home town for 6 days where I stayed with other family who were home 24/7 (ps: I normally live alone). When I got home and dad was out of hospital I thought things would be back to normal but I hardly see them as him and his wife are always busy and when I visit I get extremely anxious that I know I have to go home and I just want to stay I'm now anxious and depressed every night I just want to be around someone always and nights and mornings are the worst. I never used to be clingy and "need" people but I do I seriously want someone to be by my side 24/7 I want to get back to normal! Apart from all the issues I just don't want to feel so dependant to be dramatic I feel like I'm dying from a broken heart in so many ways. How do I enjoy my own company again or feel safe away from others I don't know if I'm scared ill loose someone else

JoelD When life turns upside down
  • replies: 6

I'm 34, had been married 7 years, fell in love with another woman. Separated, sold my house, quit my job, travelled to the other side of the world to be with this woman - things didn't work out now I'm back home living with my parents with no job, no... View more

I'm 34, had been married 7 years, fell in love with another woman. Separated, sold my house, quit my job, travelled to the other side of the world to be with this woman - things didn't work out now I'm back home living with my parents with no job, no wife, no home, and no reason to live other than my 4yo daughter. What do I do? I used to work as a high level health professional and today I humiliated myself by handing in a resume at Coles...

snafu99 I was going to move to America to be with her
  • replies: 2

Hi beyondblue, I've always wondered about this place, but I've been too scared to phone up because I'm shy. I started writing a Journal the other week because it just feels better than bottling it all up, and my friends just think I should "man up". ... View more

Hi beyondblue, I've always wondered about this place, but I've been too scared to phone up because I'm shy. I started writing a Journal the other week because it just feels better than bottling it all up, and my friends just think I should "man up". Here's my story if anyone wants to read along. My name is Dylan, I'm 28 and a very sensitive introvert. People say I am good looking but I don't agree and I have low self esteem. I have been suffering from Insomnia which lead to depression. I have done sleep studies, tried different remedies but to no avail. I just went on living. I have a dead end job that doesn't give me that much satisfaction but the pay is OK. I feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club, tired everyday. I had been single for 2 years until I met a beautiful American girl when I was travelling in 2012. I went to stay with her in her city for 3 days and after that short period of time we decided to continue the relationship long distance. 3 months after we met in USA she came to Australia. That time I spent waiting in the airport for her plane to land was the greatest feeling ever, especially when she came through those doors. She only spent 2 weeks here because of her working commitments. It was a great 2 weeks I introduced her to my family and we had a blast exploring some of Australia and getting to know each other on a more deeper level. After this short meeting, she headed home and we figured out what to do next. She liked Australia but not enough to move, so I decided I would quit my job and go and test the waters. I went to live there for 3 months, I couldnt work in that time but I had saved up enough money to cover the cost of me being there. I got on exceptionally well with her family and her friends. We had a few fights and sometimes we discussed the thought of me heading home early, but we got through it. So 3 months had passed and I boarded a plane back to Australia, still in a relationship. Things were going as great as could be expected. We had a new plan, I returned to work and knuckled down saving money again. Basically the only way I was going to be allowed to stay longer than 3 months in the country is if I got married and this was a notion we had talked about at lengths. Over the past few weeks I noticed a changed in her tone. I let her do whatever she wants, I guess I'm a pushover. She goes to all these festivals all over the place. I knew her ex was going but I let her go anyway. She was with him for 5 years before she met me. And her enjoys festivals as much as her, I don't really like them. She started becoming short with me over conversations, and I asked her what was wrong. She explained she didn't know if she loved me anymore or if it was because she had forgotten what it was like when I was around. I said she wasnt like this before she went away, but she said she'd been feeling it for a few weeks. I did a bit of facebook stalking and I noticed some recent activity between her and her ex-boyfriend. She never told me that she didnt love me anymore, she just said" I don't know, I'm confused how I feel". Anyway, we broke up and she keeps on saying "I think its for the best of us". I can't stop beating myself up over why this is happening, other than she connected with him more on a deeper level. I continued trying while I was in Australia, sending flowers and other reminders. I keep blaming it on my depression, because I was sometimes not the greatest person to be around. I don't go looking for relationships, I feel too self concious, the last 2 just kind of fell into place from a chance meeting. I tried to commit when my last relationship ended. I ended up being rushed by ambulance as I texted one of my friends and told them what I had done. In my closing statement, I just want to say that I am not sure how I can bounce back from this. I know my situation pales in comparison to pretty much everyone elses problems but I can't stop feeling this way, I feel hopeless. This was going to be my new life.