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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_3712 poisonous relations
  • replies: 34

Hi all, is it just me or does it appear to others that everything seems to be against you when you are battling this disease. You make a conscious decision to address one or more of your triggers, and then Wham! something happens to start it all over... View more

Hi all, is it just me or does it appear to others that everything seems to be against you when you are battling this disease. You make a conscious decision to address one or more of your triggers, and then Wham! something happens to start it all over again. As you all know I have spent many many hours with my psych working out my triggers and how to deal with the demons that come with them. I have recently decided to severely limit my interaction with my family and in particular with my mother and one sister. I almost felt I was getting to a place where the hurt wasn't quiet as raw, and the rejection didn't make my anxiety peak until yesterday. I received a text early in the morning from one sister advising me our mother had been taken to hospital in an unconscious state ( she resides permanently in a nursing home). So of course instant panic and I prepare to drop everything to rush to her side( 2 hour drive). I was aware I had a psych appointment in the afternoon and desperately wanted to keep it as I need that regular support. I waited till lunch time and when my sister let me know my mother was stable I decided to go to psych. the battle I had going on inside me about whether I had made the right decision or not had me in quiet a state by the time I arrived for appointment. My psych was proud of me for resisting the urge to once again try and gain 'brownie points' or be the best daughter by rushing there. My resolve was slipping though and despite the sensible side of me knowing it would not enhance my relationship with my mother to go I was sorely doubting my decision. I said to my psych over and over that it didn't matter what she had done to me, she was my mother and I should be there. His concern as always was that the constant rejection and disdain my mother showed me would ultimately break me. my other trigger is my need to be needed. I have always been the family organiser, the go to sibling. I organise all family events , almost to a manic level. I am obsessed with the need to keep the family together as much as possible. I am currently exploring the reasons behind this too, and have consciously dropped out and not done any organising- the result being no-one else does it. Anyway half way through my session I received a phone call from my uncle to let me know my last living aunt had passed away. OMG ! it was like someone had flipped a switch. Straight away I was telling my uncle don't worry I will be over asap , I will help organise things and I will let all of my sibs know. I then advised him that my mother was in hospital and maybe shouldn't tell her, blah, blah . When I hung up my psych was just staring at me . there I was receiving therapy for major, control issue among other things and in one moment I had forgot everything. It's not like there isn't anyone else who can do these things, it's just that I think it has to be me- obviously these behaviours stem from the issues in my childhood which I won't go into . I need to get this balance right. I need to accept my mother is never going to give me what I want , she will never change and I am destroying and wasting my life hoping otherwise. My previously fractured relationship with one sister is beyond repair and the hurt is so painful at times it's physical. I have at the moment decided not to jump in car and race down to see mother, right or wrong I don't know. I think I am going to hurt either way. It is just so hard to cut family out of my life, even though it seems that most if not all of my issues stem from these poisonous relationships. My husband supports my decision because although he doesn't know the extent of my problems he has seen the rejection and the hurt it causes me. I don't know how long I am going to be able to stay strong though as I know the guilt I would feel should she pass away without me seeing her would be devastating. I know a lot of my friends here on BB are facing similar issues so maybe can see something I maybe missing. thanks for listening Stressless

Tr87 Shame
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, i don't really have many people to talk to about this so i thought id give this a try. I've struggled previously with depression but nothing like this. I have lost all motivation to do anything. After much convincing, I moved overseas to be ... View more

Hi guys, i don't really have many people to talk to about this so i thought id give this a try. I've struggled previously with depression but nothing like this. I have lost all motivation to do anything. After much convincing, I moved overseas to be with a special (so i thought) girl, i gave up lot. But the last few weeks I've really been battling to get off the couch and do anything beside work, and just generally down in the dumps. Im a pretty quiet kind of guy and keep to myself mostly except for my girlfriend. Today she left me for someone else because of this. Even though she claimed she loved me. We were planning a trip together to see my family, all booked and paid for by my family. So now i have to go back alone and I'm scared and ashamed that I've been so stupid and threw away so much for her. I really don't know what to do. Even before she left i was feeling really low, but now its so much worse. I feel almost paralysed. We had our future all planned out, now i have no idea what I'm going to do. And im scared and alone

Justlost Betrayed beyond belief
  • replies: 1

I feel totally destroyed.I trusted my sister with my life.We went into business together 3 years ago.She ran the business and took care of the money side of things.No issues I trusted her.Our property was on the part of mortgage for the business.We h... View more

I feel totally destroyed.I trusted my sister with my life.We went into business together 3 years ago.She ran the business and took care of the money side of things.No issues I trusted her.Our property was on the part of mortgage for the business.We had a falling out 2 years ago and I lived those 2 years of my life scared,the business was put on the market but did not sell.I got called into work one day 3 months ago to be told by here that her and her family were filing for bankruptcy,and had already done so they were closing the doors the next day.She had closed all the accounts that day which made it impossible to sell or for me to even take over.They had been planning this I found out later for a month.She left owing near $50,000 to creditors and on their way out they stole a lot of stock ...just heartbreaking to me I still have trouble coming to terms with it everyday.I had to take 4 weeks off work to empty the business which was devastating. This is when my life started spiralling out of control.Its all my fault that my family has been left with over half a million dollars debt.The dream house we built on our dream property over the last 10 years with blood sweat and tears is for sale and we only have a month left before the banks take it. I am so angry at myself some days that I just want to get in my car and drive and never stop.It drives me insane when everyone makes the remark...oh you lost everything,but at least you have each other.My husband never gets angry with me but I know that we both have had thoughts of suicide and Mad moments of just bawling.This was our life ,this is what we both created together for our family all our hard work ,all the spending time apart to make it happen with work,the two jobs and sometimes 3 my husband held so we could build our dream.We started with nothing 10 years ago ..Now it is all crashing down around us bit by bit.And I feel so guilty so so guilty.I just don't know what to do ,where to go and how to even put one foot in front of the other while this is going on,it feels as though we are in Limbo.I put on a brave face at work and look happy and chatty but inside my heart feels as though it is crushed.This is a small town and everybody knows what has happened.I feel so ashamed.So stupid and angry with myself. We have two sons who are beautiful young men.I feel that I have let them down so much as this amazing property was built with love for them in the future.I think being where we are now in limbo is the hardest place to be, we have sold just about all our belongings we have to pay some of creditors and we just keep praying that the house will sell.That there is someone out there that will love and cherish this place as much as we have.The market at the moment is certainly not doing us any favours. I just don't know how to cope through this nightmare I feel I have created.

ResIpsa Broken
  • replies: 1

It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they arose, especially relationships. I dated ... View more

It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they arose, especially relationships. I dated a women for a year - I truly loved her and I expressed this to her, which is something I never did with any other. Unfortunately for the relationship, there were so many cultural barriers (especially upbringings) that caused communications between the two of us to always break down. It was so frustrating because I would spend so much of our time together trying to explain something I said that she completely misinterpreted. It wasn't her fault and I never blamed her. It made me appreciate her more. We were so alike personality wise (both problematic personalities - but we understood each other) that I enjoyed every moment around her and wished nothing more than to hear her voice and have her by my side. I got to the point where all I wanted to do was see her - this is the second problem. I pushed the relationship too hard at the beginning and this with the problem above... well... I screwed things up. In the process I lost sight of my life. Never did I take the same approach in previous long term relationships (3+ years and I am in my mid to late 30s) - in fact in previous relationships I was totally care free. She suffers depression and so do I and this too had an impact on the relationship - at times we held each other's problems against each other and cultural barriers only worsened things when we tried to talk it out. One day and out of no where she told me that long term the relationship would not work and she made the decision that we should break up. Least to say, inside I was S-M-A-S-H-E-D to pieces. I was lost for months until a few months later we got back together, but, again, she made the same decision. Skip forward sometime and she was out of the front of my mind and I really started to get my act together and set new goals. I never wanted to be with another women because she was always at the back of my mind when I got close to one. Anyways... skip forward some more time and one day I saw her - we just stared at each other, but I continued on as if nothing happened. I started to think about her more as the days progressed then she plagued my mind for some weeks until..... I called her and arranged to meet up (I am a persistent person)- the worst thing I could have done. We met a few times and I tried to get her back... she rejected and I made a total fool of myself by using foul language as response to her decision (I know - this is totally unacceptable and culturally inappropriate, but the thought of not being with her killed me inside and I froze up). All I can do is think about her. I took up smoking after having quit for a long period of time, lost total interest in my job, any hobbies etc. I sabotage any positive thoughts of moving on or moments where I try to regain traction by focusing on my job etc. To this day I cannot comprehend, not so much the relationship, but why I am so attracted to her and why I cannot stop thinking about her. I can't think, concentrate (meditation does not work) and everything I do seems to remind me of her. I constantly think of the moments we spent together - her beautiful voice, face and body and more importantly her mind. This incomprehension is tying me up - I feel like I am stuck in a coffin. I want to forget her, but I don't want to. I want nothing more than to have her back, but I know it will never be possible. I just want to move on, but I am stuck and broken down. Forgetting was never an issue in the past, but it's something I refuse to do in the present - with her. Please help me.

joe_banana No joy in mudville
  • replies: 2

Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . broug... View more

Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . brought on by my ex wife . i moved here from America 16 years ago , with my Australian wife and baby twins . to make a better life for my family New York was tough . i was going backwards every year . doing a job a hated , it was a family business . i guess i was always discontent with the world . even at a young age , i felt this world was not for me . in my mid teens i started thinking of suicide. tho never got up the nerve . except for the night that i made up my mind that i was going to do this, at age 21. that night i had a call from a friend from high school , that i lost touch with . it freaked me out . well i put away the idea , but i still struggled with life . i am not always down , i still have fun here and there . i can still laugh at things , but a sadness hangs around . The thing getting me down at the moment is a lot of things . you see , ever since the split up , the pain i fell from not being with my kids is draining me . i try and see my kids every other weekend . then only as divorced parents know . its that tearful drive back home to nothing . now that wouldn't be so bad if you felt your kids loved you . but i don't feel the love . this past weekend i blew up at my oldest son . yes i was wrong . yes i jumped to conclusions . but when you are down , and you haven't seen your kids in a month ,[ because there mother has other things planned ] and you turn up to see them . and they cant be bothered to put down there computer games to come out and say hello . it hurts . when my son did come out .[ the 3 other kids i have, did not even bother] . i did not have kind words to say . this has been going on since we split . the kids where never phased by my leaving . they just carried on like it was nothing . i feel like i was replaced by computer games and the tv . there was a time that only 1 or 2 of my kids would go anywhere with me .my ex would not force the others to go with me . they where allowed to stay home and play video games . i watched my kids get fat , out of shape . learn nothing . it was killing me inside . i tried talking to them to many times about the amount of time they play . my 16 year old daughter has told my family in the U.S. i am a bad farther , ( we have very little communication these days) . she thinks i am a looser . and i feel like one . she is tired of seeing my miserable face . she thinks i am looking for sympathy . she had the nerve of telling my family in N.Y. this past summer .( we went as a family so my family could finally meet my kids) that i was being fake . she has not seen me smile or be happy in a while . so when we where back in N.Y. with my family , i was smiling i was happy for a while . she did not see what happened after i left them to go back to my place, once we got back to Australia .( i have also high anxiety at this time ). i got back to my place and it felt like i had a nervous breakdown . i could not stop crying , i could not stop shaking . thank god i had some medicine to take . i took enough to knock me out . and i feared the next day .the next week , i did not know how i was going to pull through . this lasted for a month till i was felling a little better this year alone i don't know how many days of work i have missed . i go through periods where i can function . then i have relapse into not being able to go to work . i have lost most of what i had . bad business decisions , being erratic, getting screwed by other people . has left me pretty much broke and broken . i am heartbroken , and the love that i would like to feel from my kids is not there . which makes me not want to go there and get rejected again . i went through that for 10 years being married to a woman that was mad at me most of the time . rejection is my middle name . you can only take so much . this has affected me to the point where i do feel worthless . i feel like no woman wants a man like me . i dont go out anymore , i cant look a woman in the eye . i walk with my head down . trying not to make eye contact . i have been alone now for 8 years . no girlfriends , no nothing . i feel like i have nothing to offer . there is a lot more that i am not putting down . it would sound like a soap opera of bad luck , sorry for jumping around with my story , its the way my brain is . Thanks for listening Vel

lostallhope my world has crashed around me and it just keeps getting worse
  • replies: 7

Hi guys, im new. . And needing some help. Let me tell you a little about me.last year my husband of 10 years dumped me over text message and moved out and on with a 16year old student of his. I was pregnant. This of course was devastating.. when I lo... View more

Hi guys, im new. . And needing some help. Let me tell you a little about me.last year my husband of 10 years dumped me over text message and moved out and on with a 16year old student of his. I was pregnant. This of course was devastating.. when I look back I feel numb thinking about it. Along with the seperation I lost my friends, my home, my pets and my self esteem. I eventually lost my pregnancy. So I took one day at a time in a very destructive manner (alcohol kept me going) not even 2 weeks after he left I was made redundant. I took time off to finish renovations and sell the house. After being in such a lonely marriage for so long I was able to move on pretty quickly and met a beautiful man, fell deeply in love. The trauma of the divorce and redundancy took a huge hit on my confidence and everytime I would go for a job interview I would have massive panic attacks and look like a fool, I was pretty much unemployable. After selling my home I moved into an apartment with the love of my life. He was my rock, my support, he kept me positive and made me incredibly happy. We went on 3 beautiful holidays and recently came back from a yachting holiday for my 30th birthday. I had run out of money from not working and this put alot of pressure on our relationship. I was eventually able to sit through an interview and secure a job! 4 weeks ago my landlord came to visit and decided to evict me, this feeling of yet again rejection and lonelyness and being scared came over me again and I spent days crying but having my solid strength by my side I had to keep reminding myself it will be okay, we were trying for a family and spent our nights planning our future.. I had to keep telling myself to be strong even if I need to find a new home for us. 2 days later while cooking dinner (4 weeks ago) the night before my first day at work my best friend and love of my life told me he was unhappy and I am not the one.. he packed up within 30mins and walked out the door.. gone forever. My past month has been endless tears, I have no family support no friends left, I had to sell my car and buy something smaller to be able to put fuel in my car and feed my cat. A bottle of wine a night and wrapped in a ball rocking myself to sleep is the only thing I've been capable to do. It took me 2 weeks to wash the dishes.. and my constant tears and phone calls begging for him to come back has ended in him blocking my number so I cant contact him at all. I went to work everyday telling myself that even though I have nothing left in my life I still have a job.. and nothing could possibly get any worse. Yesterday I got fired.ii have no energy left to keep going. Everything ive ever loved ive lost. I now am unemployed, alone, homeless, and empty. My family are not talking to me. I have no friends to help me and to reach out to. I have no confidence just a broken spirit, broken heart and perminant tears in my eyes. My cat who seems to be the only thing in my life thats stuck by has been diagnosed with feline aids and keeps having fits. I dont have money to take him to a vet, im struggling enough to feed him. It took me 9 months to get a job because i would have panic attacks and now im back in that place again. I want to give up.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Bec_Luke loss and lonelyness
  • replies: 2

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after a 11 month relationship and falling and opening up to him as he is the first guy I have only opened up to then it ended. Theses days its so hard as I dont have any friends so its hard to get out and d... View more

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after a 11 month relationship and falling and opening up to him as he is the first guy I have only opened up to then it ended. Theses days its so hard as I dont have any friends so its hard to get out and do things when I dont have someone to get out with, theres not much around and I dont have a job but have recently done some voluntary work hope it will get me a job. So my days consist of being at home 24 7 or finding a job. Life is so lonely right now and I do want to meet new people but its hard to get out when I dont have that support or a friend to get out with. my ex and I are friemds I guess you can say, and I do live in his nans granny flat as its finacially stable and a good place for me to be at the moment. However when my ex and I hang out and he comes around I know who he talks to well a old friend from school who has a boyfriend who only has two friends and another girl who I dont know but says she is apparently an old friend. Like last nightwhen we were out having an hot chocolate he couldnt and cant not spend more than 5 mins off his phone texting constantly reguardless if were out or his at mine or where we are. Am I being a bit jealous or overthinking things too much. Im finding things just really hard to deal withnright now.

Queenie Marriage falling apart
  • replies: 10

My husband has suffered depression for about 8 years now. Unfortunately as time went by, I didn't handle it very well and struggled to cope. We began to create destructive cycles of behaviour which continually added to the stress and anxiety he was f... View more

My husband has suffered depression for about 8 years now. Unfortunately as time went by, I didn't handle it very well and struggled to cope. We began to create destructive cycles of behaviour which continually added to the stress and anxiety he was feeling, and made me lapse into jealousy and anger. I was jealous of everything he did outside of our relationship because I felt so physically and emotionally deprived and this jealousy was expressed in so many ugly ways (it is shamefully hard to admit this and I feel sick when I think of how much extra pain I caused him). He acted out against my possessiveness and the cycle continued. I had become a shell of a person, avoiding contact with my family and friends, and becoming increasingly bitter about life and work. I have recently asked him to leave our home in an attempt to break the cycle and he has moved in with our young adult children. After he left he sent me a text listing all the hurtful things I had said and done over the 25 years we have been together. While it hurt, it was the first indication he had given me of how he really felt about our relationship. I have realised that I should have sought help for what I think was also depression, and for managing my inappropriate reactions to his depression. I can see that I was a weight adding to what was already a heavy load for him and that even though I had been denying it, I was a major part of the problems in our marriage but he also must carry some of the responsibility. He has told me for a while now that he wanted to be alone but had never taken the step. I feel that the deliberate acts that resulted in me asking him to leave may have been a way of 'forcing the issue'. I am seeking professional help for my own depression now and working on my jealousy issues. I love him dearly and even in our darkest moments we did maintain some affection and closeness and I really miss holding his hand - especially at bedtime. I do not want our marriage to dissolve because before the depression we were a loving, strong, secure couple who had a great balanced marriage where we grew together but allowed each other's strengths to flourish. He was a wonderful husband and father and a great friend to me. I have always been so proud to call myself his wife and everyone knows how much I love him and enjoy being with him. Is there any hope for us?

Sara14 Lost the Love of my Life: Destined to be LONELY
  • replies: 1

Hi This is really hard but I am at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. My life changed in 2011 May when I met the man of my dreams and he soon became the love of my life. My life had turned around. He proposed August 2012 and we moved in togeth... View more

Hi This is really hard but I am at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. My life changed in 2011 May when I met the man of my dreams and he soon became the love of my life. My life had turned around. He proposed August 2012 and we moved in together that october. Things were wonderful we were planning our wedding, then March 2013 my fiancee went scuba diving which he did reasonably often but he never came home and the knock that I got at the door that day changed my life to what it is now. I dealt with the loss of my fiancee by picking myself up and continuing with my div 2 nursing course which I finished october 2013. I then got my first nursing job in a nursing home not far from home and its all been going well until my fiancees first anniversary came around. I thought I was okay and I thought I had dealt with it but apparently I am not that okay and not even a month after wards I have spoken to my boss and I am now having 6 months personal leave to grieve some more. I don't know if this is good or bad as its only been two days but I already don't know what to do with myself and I feel miserable. Do you ever get over something like this? I mean I am only 31 years old and have already lost the love of my life. Where do I go from here?

AUSSIEFMX Can someone please tell me if i am right or wrong
  • replies: 5

Gday it all started about this time last year when my wife left me after being married for four years things where not good for awhile and we went our own ways it took me awhile to get over it because i thought i stilled loved her but it was gone the... View more

Gday it all started about this time last year when my wife left me after being married for four years things where not good for awhile and we went our own ways it took me awhile to get over it because i thought i stilled loved her but it was gone then after being on a dating site for about seven months and meeting only three women i meet a very very special women who took my heart we where talking for about four weeks or more and then we met i new straight away that this was the one i have been looking for then over the next two months we where seeing other at least twice a week and things where starting to go well then just over a week ago she said that it was going to fast and needed some space it has been hard for as we where talking and texting each other everyday to now nothing she means the world to me there is so much pointing me to her and i dont want to loose her becuase i realy do love her i have never felt like this before my best friend and my mum has told me she isnt worth it because she still loves her ex which had done some bad things part of me says let her go and the bigger part just cant what do i do i think of her everyday and i hate my self becuase i want to spend the rest of my life with her is it not ment to be i live for her everyday i would die for her if it ment she had a second chance to live her life please someone help i love her so much