My girls were my world
My world has been turned upside down 15 weeks ago when my wife no longer wanted me. We had been together for 10 years, married for 8 and have two of the most beautiful girls a Dad could hope for.
We always had our ups and downs and yes Ive said stupid things in the heat of the moment, but generally we had a good marriage but always had room for improvement.
We were so busy most of the time with everything we had to do in life and looking back we really didnt invest into our marriage enough and slowly things got worse and we fought more and more.
After we seperated we went to counselling where I found my wife not giving an inch and blaming me for leaving her a broken person.
Im a bit old school and worked tirelessly to give my girls a great home and life and sacrificed myself in doing it. I also spent a lot of time with the girls during thier activities they chose to do.
I always thought if I did this, my wife would still love me, but obviously I havent emotionally met her needs and have found out someone else is now.
I feel so robbed that Im going to miss a large chunk of my girls growing up as my wife has moved away in order to distance herself from the things that will eventually catch up with her in the relationship she has formed.
Im so frustrated that she has painted a really bad picture about me to her family that they dont want to talk to me and therefore delay them finding out about her new relationship.
I really want to tell them my side of the story as I have proof beyond doubt that she is a new relationship, but they dont want a bar of it.
There are other people who know this information as they found it too after being suspcious as to why she had left me, but no one has told her immeadiate family.
What should I do??
Oh mate, I am so sad to hear your story, what a horrible time you have been through. Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are talking about this and I am sure you will get support and advice here.
I too have been through a marriage breakup and missing my child was the hardest part. I take it there is no chance of you getting back with your wife. The most important thing for me was to get focused on the moment, try and leave behind the things I cannot change. It doesn't really matter if her family know your side of the story, it won't change the outcome and her parents will probably take her word over yours anyway. Better for you to start making fresh plans for your self, partake in the things that bring you peace, happiness and self respect.
It is sad that you will miss your girls, of course you can think about how you can reduce this, make as many trips as you/they can, email, Skype, phone calls, practice thinking of them with love, not loss. You could probably get some help with this from a counselor if you aren't already. Try not to blame yourself, you did your best.
Hi there LMG73
I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue, just as Jacko has done.
This is a very sad situation that you’re now in and having two children of my own, I couldn’t describe the emotions and hurt you must be going through at this time, with your girls having been moved away from you.
You said you went to counselling after you split and she didn’t give an inch – sounds to me, this “other situation” was already in full bloom and so those efforts for counselling are just something she can fall back on and say, “Well, we tried”. When in fact, I seriously think she had already said goodbye to the marriage.
Like Jacko, I would be seriously following up some individual counselling to see how you can work through this next phase of your life – with hopefully helpful tips and advice for you to try to progress forward as best and as positively as you can.
My main thought now would be towards your two beautiful girls – a marriage ends, but children are involved – I’m not experienced in this kind of thing at all, but I would think that sooner rather than later, shouldn’t there be some sort of process to work out arrangements concerning your daughters??
It’s also interesting to note that she has now moved away – I hope for your sake and your daughter’s, that it’s not too far – so it’s a manageable kind of distance where you’re able to go and spend time with them.
One thing that no-one can take from you is that YOU are those two terrific and wonderful girls’ dad and they will also know of all the times you spent with them and the great times you had together – nothing can change that.
I do hope you can write back again.
First I would like to say thank you for being a wonderful father to your girls , it is so important to be a good role model for them and no doubt you would be their world to.
Everyone has ups and downs in their marriage, that normal, I have been divorced once and now remarried so I can understand your dilemma, don't blame yourself for your wife straying you couldn't have stopped her even if you wanted to .
When she said you left her a "broken person" I feel thats just her guilt talking instead of being honest and upfront by saying she just wasn't happy , affairs never solve anything and she is doing you and the girls a disservice by not at least giving the marriage a chance before moving on, and she will take all her baggage into the next relationship, so that will probably fail to and thats where the kids start paying the price.
Marriage is give and take, we can only do the best we can, with what we know , don't worry about her family , they would be on her side no matter what , but any decent person knows there is always two sides to every story.
Just be the best dad you can be, stay in their lives at all costs and look after yourself , sometimes things are not meant to be...but with time maybe you can repair the marriage if thats what you want, but don't go back just for the kids either do it for yourself.
Remember you deserve happiness to with a loving partner who with treasure you as well, so don't just settle for second best, you have one life so make it a happy one, I wish you all the best and you are by no means alone with this.
Hi Jacko, I can only see a slim chance of getting back.
Initially I did totally blame myself as she blamed me for everything. I carried the guilt that I have stuffed up my girls lives for many weeks.
But once I discovered what she is doing, I felt a lot better. I have been to see a physcologist and they are happy where Im at. I dont think it takes the pain away knowing that, it gives you confidence that I will get through.
Trying my best.
Hi July, I agree that the girls will pay for her decision. I have already seen them missing out on things due to having two area's and lots of freinds. Most of our close friends say she has made such a selfish decision.
In a relationship there is always a giver and taker, I was the giver and now feel pretty empty that my efforts were useless.
The new relationship she is in, they are both takers, so thats going to be a greater challenge for her. Maybe she will realise she had it so good.
They say in marriage there is an 80/20 rule. At best you are happy with 80% of it at any one time. What she is after the 20% that I was not giving her.
I was completely 100% into making it work. Now I have doubt that it will stay that way and the only thing I can think of is giving it a go for the kids, however I know if she was committed to make it work, it could.
Do you think she will come to a point where she realises what she has lost in order to have the 20%???
Thanks Neil1, We only have a verbal agreement for the kids. I dont want to push the legal side of things as it makes more tension between us.
I am recieving good support professionally and from my friends, however I still experiences those moments that nail you, but I know now that they pass and you deal with them.
I have also learnt not to rush things that I dont want to do. It's like when someone dies, you need time to face things in your time.
Thanks for your help
Yes I do feel that at some stage she will regret .... if not the actual decision but the way she has gone about it , often people have affairs then after a while realise what they have lost and want to come back...sometimes, but don't get your hopes up.
Your efforts in keeping your marriage together were not "useless", you should be proud of yourself that you tried and she did not appreciate the effort or want to appreciate it.
We can't be happy all the time with our partners, the pressures of a family and work take there toll, but thats normal, and we get frustrated, but remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and for me its so nice to hear a man wanting to fight for his family, so good on you.
Its always hard to have a breakup but its not a reflection on you as a person, its just maybe you have different paths in life and you have just come to the fork in the road and there could be great happiness waiting for you in the future, but in the mean time be strong for your girls and show them what a loving wonderful man is, by your actions.
Thanks July, today is hard cause it's six months since she met the other guy. The thing that bugs me is that he has persude a married woman for the outset and what does that say of his character??
I just wish her immediate family new what was going on.
she is starting to reconnect with friends that will hopefully challenge her choices she is making as I find she won't listen to me at all.
the hardest thing for me is my girls are caught up in these decisions and even though she says she is doing this for the girls, we all know who she is doing it for.
her family has believed her story that I'm this really bad person even though we have been really close and I dont know why they just can't see it all a cover for her.
i really want to show her family all the information about them that adds up to she is having an affair.
sorry to ramble, but that's how I feel
Hi Brett, it's great that you are talking about all this.
Could you send her immediate family a letter so they know what is going on? How would it change things? Perhaps then you could leave your relationship with her family to the lap of the Gods, knowing that you have tried your best.
Those moments that nail you Brett, missing your girls, I know exactly what you are saying and for a while it takes it's own course. These are the moments I practice 'loving' instead of 'missing' and this helps me. I can't change that I am separated from someone but I can change how I respond, I can choose to think of them with love, they are in my heart, or in the case of your daughters, on the end of the phone. All this might not bring me closer to the person but it does bring me more peace and happiness and surely that is a good thing, I honor the other person this way.
I am glad you are getting help Brett, ramble here any time.