Relationship and family issues

Partner has problems - what should I do?

replies: 4

Hi all, I'm a newby.My partner and I have been together for 7 years & with live with my 2 boys 14 & 16. My partner has not been diagnosed but is clearly suffering from anxiety and possibly depression. He tends to self medicate with alcohol, which can... View more

Hi all, I'm a newby.My partner and I have been together for 7 years & with live with my 2 boys 14 & 16. My partner has not been diagnosed but is clearly suffering from anxiety and possibly depression. He tends to self medicate with alcohol, which can end up in "you don't love me", "life is so hard" crying, but usually just makes him slightly annoying. Over the 7 years I have visited this site often to learn more about what I can do and have suggested many, many times that he talks to someone - I even got him to call the helpline on this site once, but the advice given was that he goes to see someone & he either does not believe it will help or is too scared to go (he also avoids doctors/hospitals wherever possible).He can be the most wonderful man, but is often SO negative & caught up in his own mind that he can be unkind without meaning to be (I hope!) and it is really wearing me down. He will hang on to grudges for years about things like TV shows and food. I am generally an optimistic, lucky feeling person and I don't think that I am in danger of mental health issues, but I am so tired of always having to be careful of what I say and putting up with his passive aggressive comments, and I am actually worried that my children's lives are worse for having known him.He told me one drunken night that he prepared a suicide method after we had a fight. I feel like it is entirely my responsibility to make sure he is OK - that he can do and say really hurtful, negative things but I can't say anything because he will "sulk" (I can't think of another way to describe it) for 3 or 4 days. It almost feels like he has a free pass to behave badly.I have tried getting him to talk to me about his problems, but when he does speak it is usually about how awful his life is - his life that he shares with me - and that I love! It is so hard not to take it like a slap in the face. When I ask how I can help he says "just be kind to me", which I try my best to do - except it doesn't seem to be a 2 way thing and I end up feeling angry that because of his problems he can be unkind but no matter how I feel I always have to take the high road.This sounds like an awful selfish rant I know, and I would not consider leaving him as I love him very much and he is a good man. But he needs help and I don't know how to get him any, and I don't know if I can be the supportive person in our relationship for the rest of my life. What should I do?

Resentful regret

replies: 5

I am 55 years old, married for 30 years, 33 years together with my wife of the same age (55). My wife was beautifully attractive girl, a natural blonde with model looks, as young guys tend to rate girl's attractiveness now days numerically, she was a... View more

I am 55 years old, married for 30 years, 33 years together with my wife of the same age (55). My wife was beautifully attractive girl, a natural blonde with model looks, as young guys tend to rate girl's attractiveness now days numerically, she was a 10 and she's still very attractive for her age, so when meeting her at 22 years old, a smoking hot blonde and a nice person is a pretty easy combination to fall in love with and marry without too much over analysis of our sexual compatibility. Despite her stunning looks, she was never particularly sexual and was something I guess I always hoped would improve over time, but typically after the first couple of years of marriage, sex for her was always a drama, an obligation and "duty" sex was about the extent of it no matter what I ever did to try and make it better, it was only temporary improvement if that. The "talk" we must have had 100 times over the years to the point that talking about sex ended up off the table as it usually resulted in an argument and then I was pressuring her and I gave up eventually and concentrated on things I liked in life and I withdrew from her a bit emotionally. I can that our marriage is fundamentally pretty good except for the sex and deprivation of intimate connectedness that I feel. About a year ago, I started to feel resentful towards her for what feels like wasting my life away persevering with marriage to a woman of emotional and intimate frigidity and romanticising about how my life would have been with someone of greater warmth, sexual compatibility and desire to be emotionally connected, the type of relationship I really wanted. The purposes of my post is asking for advice how to stop receiving pleasure from upsetting her? I feel she needs to suffer a bit from her relentless necessity to remain emotionally and intimately distant. She said the other day how nasty I am to her if she disagrees with me and my answer to that was; perhaps if one of the 100 "talks' we had over the years made an impression for change, I may have wanted to be nicer to her now. What disturbs me is getting pleasure from being nasty to her, in the sense that; well, this is the repercussion of your intimate management ideologies of our relationship. How on earth is emotional and intimate distance envisaged to optimally nourish a marriage?

Whenever I ask my partner for emotional support he has a panic attack and I end up taking care of him.

replies: 7

I have been with my husband for 3 years after meeting in highschool. I am on the autistic spectrum (formerly Asperger's Syndrome) and have ADHD. I am also somewhat depressed. My partner also has his own psychological issues including depression and h... View more

I have been with my husband for 3 years after meeting in highschool. I am on the autistic spectrum (formerly Asperger's Syndrome) and have ADHD. I am also somewhat depressed. My partner also has his own psychological issues including depression and high levels of anxiety. I have always been a supportive husband and have never judged my partner for requiring significantly more care than I do, but recently I have been going through a patch of depression. I am currently seeing a therapist for my conditions and for the most part have been able to manage my symptoms without needing any assistance from my partner. But every now and then (mostly recently) I have needed and asked for support from my partner, which he claims to be willing to provide. But as soon as I try to open up he will have a panic attack and I end up taking care of him. I understand that he has a lot more issues than I do and requires more emotional support, but I feel as if I shouldn't be scared of feeling depressed or anxious out of fear of causing him to have a panic attack. Even attempts to discuss this with him either result in panic attack, no matter how delicately I try to put it. I truly love this man. But I am sick of feeling as if my problems do not matter or are less significant than his. What should I do?

Reforming bond with partner

replies: 2

My husband and I are from overseas, we've been here 7 years and have moved around a lot following work. I am very lonely, very unhappy and desperate to go back home. He has agreed that we will return home, but financially we cannot afford it for a co... View more

My husband and I are from overseas, we've been here 7 years and have moved around a lot following work. I am very lonely, very unhappy and desperate to go back home. He has agreed that we will return home, but financially we cannot afford it for a couple of years. While he does want to return home, he has many desires to remain here in Oz at least for several more years. However, we have agreed that in the long run we will be better off at home. We have just moved (yet again) and I am at home with our daughter, I am pregnant and feeling very lonely and isolated. I am doing what I can to make new friends, and meet new people, but these things don't necessarily happened quickly nor does it mean friendships will be meaningful. My husband is pretty much OK with not having many friends, he spends a lot of time of Facebook talking to old friends from back home. We really don't have a very fulfilling life, and it seems to have been years since we last did. The last few weeks have been really difficult between us, we have argued a lot, I've cried a lot and it's had a negative effect on our daughters behaviour. I am struggling with low mood, and low energy levels. My husband is not happy with me, he has consented to return home years sooner than he would have ideally liked, but he is doing this to keep us together and because he loves us. I am unsure how we can continue to move forwards without any resentment building between us. We have not been intimate for a long time, I often feel like we are either skirting around each other or we end up having uncomfortable conversations. I am not sure that at this point in time anything we do will make either of us happy, I don't think he fully considers how hard life is for me alone, with a small child in a new city and not knowing anyone. We haven't had a date night since our daughter was born, we have only a two occasions on which we were together and child free. This hasn't helped, we have no-one other than each other and I think that alone adds to our tensions. Anyone have any ideas of how to maintain a relationship through stressful times?

Brokenhearted again.

replies: 4

Hi, I am a 45 year old woman. 2 kids, 19 and 16. Had them with my 1st husband, with him for 15 years and then he had an affair and left. Second husband was abusive, both controlling and emotionally abusive the whole 10 years we lasted. He lived in NS... View more

Hi, I am a 45 year old woman. 2 kids, 19 and 16. Had them with my 1st husband, with him for 15 years and then he had an affair and left. Second husband was abusive, both controlling and emotionally abusive the whole 10 years we lasted. He lived in NSW so was long distance. Then dated a nice man who i met online for 1 and half years, he then left me saying he met someone else on line. Break in between. Then was brave enough to have another go on-line. Met an Italian man i have been dating for 4 months. I fell hard for this one. Now he has met another girl. A girl that came back into his life from the past. And he wants to give it a go, while still seeing me. I said no of course. But this time i feel more shattered and destroyed than ever before. I have lived as a single parent for 14 years. I dont need a man in my life but I want one. Im lonely to my core. Would love to have a partner to share life with. I am now at the stage where I think its useless to keep trying. I feel i am never going to have a life partner. My heart aches.

University going husband is probably cheating

replies: 5

I'm 30 yo . Me and my husband got married 2.5 years ago and have a baby girl 10 months of age. My husband is going to UNI and in the first year of study. Since he started UNI , there are lot of behavior changes in him. He has secured his phone with a... View more

I'm 30 yo . Me and my husband got married 2.5 years ago and have a baby girl 10 months of age. My husband is going to UNI and in the first year of study. Since he started UNI , there are lot of behavior changes in him. He has secured his phone with a passcode which he never did before. Even when asked he denied to let me even touch his phone. He is outside at least 3 days a week till 1 am midnight and the reason is that , he has placements after lectures . Does placements go till that late at night? Thanks

Problems with my In Laws

replies: 8

HiAt the time of our first child's birth (seven years ago)my husband had a mental breakdown he suffered psychosis, including auditory delusions and paranoia.My husband is now well and has moved on from his illness. And we both have good jobs.I still ... View more

HiAt the time of our first child's birth (seven years ago)my husband had a mental breakdown he suffered psychosis, including auditory delusions and paranoia.My husband is now well and has moved on from his illness. And we both have good jobs.I still feel traumatized by these events. His family never offered any practical support. We chose to remain involved with them. I thought it was the best thing to do.My Husband and his two older brothers were raised by his step father since my husband was two.They have no contact with their biological dad.The stepfather is a binge drinking alcoholic and a bully.He bullies my husbands mum and hischildren and our children (especially our yongest).My In laws have two adult children together a daughter and a son.My husbands sister is also a bully to us and our kids( she has called my husband a " fucking psyco"). The youngest son is a drug addict. My mother in law has been unable to have an ongoing relationship with one of her older sons for many yearsand more recently the other son had stopped communicating with her.My mother in law would tell me that her other sons wiveswere “crazy" "lazy""manipulative" "bitches" " bad mothers".My sister in law openly admitted tomy husband one day that she and her husband had been using drugs when theywent out.My husband decided to tell his mother.Thisobviously backfired and my mother in law became angry and flat out denied thather daughter would be using drugs around her children.My mother in law became hostile towards me when we were next in contact.I decided to ask her why she was so hostiletowards me she denied this behavior.Within a day I received many threatening textmessages from her younger son .Hethreatened me with violence if I gave his mother a hard time again.Things have deteriorated in the last six months.Initially my husband and I both decided to stop answering their phone calls and stopspending time with them.This lasted for about four months.His mother has been inviting him to catch up with themand bring our children (not me).I feel so uncomfortable about mykids spending time with them without my presence. Ourrelationship is suffering because of this.My husband refuses to talk to meabout it and I feel he blames me for what has happened.I feel generally sad and hopeless about my situation.Not many of my friends understand my decision to distance myselfand my kids from their grandparents and family.

Too weird to make friends

replies: 5

I feel really lonely lately. I literally have zero friends.I haven't had a friend in 4-5 years. Even back then, I only had a fewfriends. But they all turned out to be fake, backstabbing, or got intodrugs and alcohol when I don't touch any of that stu... View more

I feel really lonely lately. I literally have zero friends.I haven't had a friend in 4-5 years. Even back then, I only had a fewfriends. But they all turned out to be fake, backstabbing, or got intodrugs and alcohol when I don't touch any of that stuff. Many left mebecause they called me too "boring" for not being into that stuff. Ihaven't actually hung out with anyone who wasn't a partner or family forover 4-5 years... I don't even have those online acquaintances mostpeople talk to every now and then.I feel because of myanxiety, awkwardness, and lack of unique or interesting features, I justcan't make friends, and definitely can't maintain them... But I reallymiss having a good friend or two. I feel I am a different soulfrom others around me, Iike I wasn't meant for this time, or thisplanet. I can't relate to anyone. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, sothat really narrows down who wants to hang out with me. I have weirdinterests (Japanese culture, horror movies, movies in general, medicalscience, criminology, alternative music, alternative fashion, bodymodifications like piercings and tattoos, things deriving from Buddhismand Wicca, reading, drawing, watching/reading about the news, astronomy,horse riding, 70's-90's music, Japanese music, etc). How can Imake friends? Can I even make friends anymore? I'm 25 next month, I amawkward, shy, have no confidence, always feel ugly and fat, I am notstylish or fun or anything. I read a lot, so all I can do is tell peoplerandom facts that they don't care about

I'm caught in the middle

replies: 8

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am the eldest of 3 daughters. One sister lives an hour away, my other sister lives interstate. My mum is in her late 70's and is causing us some concern health wise. Mum is quite belligerent and is determined... View more

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am the eldest of 3 daughters. One sister lives an hour away, my other sister lives interstate. My mum is in her late 70's and is causing us some concern health wise. Mum is quite belligerent and is determined to have her own way and do things her own way. The sister who lives an hour away is a medical professional (who believes she is right) and wants to control mum's health issues. They are constantly at logger heads and are baiting each other. My interstate sister has spoken to both of them to no avail. I have mum complaining to me about my sister. My sister tells me that mum is manipulating me and others. If anything both are being manipulating. Nothing I say or do is right or good enough. I understand they need to vent. I have some major issues at work that I need to deal with this week (they both know about these issues), yet they both continue to 'dump' on me. I hate being caught in the middle.

I've let down my wife, now she needs a break

replies: 10

This is so hard to write... my wife (of 4years) called tonight to say she's had enough, and I don't blame her. we're currently living part as she's just moved interstate for work with the 2 kids (3yo & 18m). I went up to visit yesterday, to look at h... View more

This is so hard to write... my wife (of 4years) called tonight to say she's had enough, and I don't blame her. we're currently living part as she's just moved interstate for work with the 2 kids (3yo & 18m). I went up to visit yesterday, to look at houses to buy. We had n argument and finally enough is enough. We have the same argument about the same thing. I feel she doesn't appreciate the hard work, sacrifices and contributions I make and she feels I don't help her enough. It ends in shouting and, this is the root of our problems, me swearing at her. After years of this, last night was finally the deal breaker. I completely understand this, the way it makes her feel and how abusive it is. It's reactionary, driven from anger and frustration, and completely at odds with how much I love her. i need to get this fixed and i don't know where to start. I don't think trying to resolve how I view our differences will help. I want to stop flaring up. I want to stop getting so angry when I feel something is unfair. I want to stop swearing, lashing out and being so disrespectful. ive tried to make changes myself over the years, it hasn't worked. I'm long overdue in getting this sorred I'm looking for help to work out where to start. If it takes getting hypnotised to tweet like a bird instead of swearing ill do it. We're going to have a few weeks break with no contact, and I'm determined to be a better man. any advice would be greatly apprecaited. Cheers,DK

Pinned discussions

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

All discussions

Partner has problems - what should I do?

replies: 4

Resentful regret

replies: 5

Whenever I ask my partner for emotional support he has a panic attack and I end up taking care of him.

replies: 7

Reforming bond with partner

replies: 2

Brokenhearted again.

replies: 4

University going husband is probably cheating

replies: 5

Problems with my In Laws

replies: 8

Too weird to make friends

replies: 5

I'm caught in the middle

replies: 8

I've let down my wife, now she needs a break

replies: 10

Relationship and family issues

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about replies: 0

Partner has problems - what should I do? replies: 4

Resentful regret replies: 5

Whenever I ask my partner for emotional support he has a panic attack and I end up taking care of him. replies: 7

Reforming bond with partner replies: 2

Brokenhearted again. replies: 4

University going husband is probably cheating replies: 5

Problems with my In Laws replies: 8

Too weird to make friends replies: 5

I'm caught in the middle replies: 8

I've let down my wife, now she needs a break replies: 10

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

Partner has problems - what should I do?

replies: 4

Resentful regret

replies: 5

Whenever I ask my partner for emotional support he has a panic attack and I end up taking care of him.

replies: 7

Reforming bond with partner

replies: 2

Brokenhearted again.

replies: 4

University going husband is probably cheating

replies: 5

Problems with my In Laws

replies: 8

Too weird to make friends

replies: 5

I'm caught in the middle

replies: 8

I've let down my wife, now she needs a break

replies: 10