What to do after my marriage broke down
Hi first time poster
My marriage of 10 yrs has ended. My husband came home said he was feeling stressed and unhappy and packed his things and left within 5mins. His mum is dying of cancer and he was always at work never seeing her or us. He had withdrawn from a normal life for some time. The relationship wasn't bad in the sense that we didn't fight or argue. I moved with the children a week later 1500k's away back to a family residence but, it is not family i am particularly close to or get along with. However the children are happy here. It was leaving a job, friends, home, school, community that has really knocked me.
This had happened before several yrs earlier and we had tried the counseling route we were at counselling for a year. The counselor told him that "he showed very strong Anti-Social Personality Disorder traits" and needed to seek further help with it. I thought it ment that he just didn't like socializing or was awkward in social situations. In reality he is a sociopath unable to feel the same way as normal people would.
He said he was being a bad husband, father and son. Which was all true. He has stated that he doesn't want any contact with his children as he knows that he'll just mess them up cause he knows that he doesn't "feel" for them the way a dad should. He doesn't enjoy being around them and doesn't know how to interact with them and they just make him anxious and frustrated as he has no idea what they are talking about.
Now that we have moved I have no friends, not that I had many before, my ex often didn't like anyone that I liked or wanted to go anywhere. When I say we didn't argue we didn't but when I got on his nerves he would just completely ignore me as he would do with the children too. I feel like I am completely unable to function. I have lost a lot of weight. I feel like I'm failing and cry a lot everyday. I am now in a rural area with no contact to anyone. I am finding the thought of trying to put things together very overwhelming. It is even hard to talk to the people I know as I know I'm miserable and find it hard to communicate just how down and depressed I feel. it is really hard talking to people that think that being really happy and upbeat will rub off on me.
With my ex having his personality disorder it has made me question everything about myself. I often blame myself and worry about what I should do to fix myself. I can't even look at people without worrying about how bad they must think of me.
Welcome to the Beyondblue forum & thanks for reaching out.
It is a sad situation that you describe. That your husband had been withdrawn and has acknowledged that he does not want any part of the children is a sign that he is not well. You mention that he has seen a counsellor, so I assume he has regular contact with his GP. Is he on any medication? The right medication can have really good results - if he has been diagnosed with a mental illness.
But this post should be about you. Caring for someone who has, or displays signs of, a mental illness is not easy, and can bring the carer down very quickly unless they look after themselves. In addition, consequences such as you have described can be very difficult and will only compound the situation. It is important therefore that you maintain your physical and mental health. I am sure you know this already, but go and talk to a GP and explain to them what has occurred and the effect that it has had on you and the family.
Don't question yourself; you are dealing with the after effects of being a carer of someone who is not well and now the grief and trauma of your husband leaving and being forced to find alternative accommodation. That is a lot to deal with. There is nothing to blame yourself about.
If you find yourself with no one that you talk to and a lack of any form of support network, then please use this forum as a way of talking and sharing your thoughts.
I really look forward to hearing from you. Maybe I, and others here, can help you out a bit more.
dear Notch, thanks for joining the BB forum.
Firstly you can not blame yourself, your husband has an illness that requires constant help, help from a professional which will be on going for a long time.
It is sad that this has happened and for you and the children to have to find out the hard way, because if a couple in a marriage or de facto relationship don't argue, then there is a problem.
I maybe sticking my head out by saying that, but my grandmother told me that years ago and it was a long time ago, but she was right, you couldn't stay together for the sake of your health as well as for the children.
Because you are now living in a rural town, is it going to be difficult to see a psychologist, which I hope that there is not just one in your nearby town, because of a couple of reasons, firstly it will be difficult to see him/her, and secondly you might not get on with them, so I wonder whether you can get a counsellor and/or psych that can do counselling by email, it's not the best way, but it's better than nothing.
Hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x