They say that opposites attract...

[Mal50]

Hello all, my wife and I have been married for 27 years, but in many ways we are complete opposites. I'm a very patient, tolerant person, who exercises diplomacy and kindness as much as is within my ability. However, my wife is the extreme opposite. She very aggressive, even vicious at times, and verbally tears strips off me because I'm not more like her. Because of my gentle demeanour I've been bullied and pushed around all my life, and even forced to do things I wasn't comfortable with (that's putting it mildly).

She puts me down and belittles me every day, but I can live with that. I've been put down all my life. However, our oldest son is autistic and lacks somewhat in intelligence and it pains me tremendously when she verbally screams at him and puts him down, calling him brainless and stupid. I feel his pain! Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

[PatT]

Hi Mal,

That sounds incredibly similar to my parents (minus the situation with your son). My father is incredibly patient and reserved, slow to anger, while my mother is aggressive and irrational, constantly bullying him. What she's doing with your son is really inexcusable and I'm so sorry to hear she's doing that. Have you guys considered couples' therapy? I'm sure she's incredibly frustrated with a number of things that have coalesced over the years and your son's situation must be difficult for her.

If she's unwilling, have you considered therapy for yourself? What you're going through is obviously taking a toll on you (I've seen it in my own home) and you need to find ways to ensure that your own mental health is intact. Also, I suppose you really have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth it. Do you see things improving in the future or are you simply still together due to a fear of loneliness and for the sake of your son? Relationships aren't worth prolonging if they're just doomed to collapse so I would really be looking at whether you want to stay in a relationship.

However, first and foremost I'd organise a chat with your GP re a mental health plan and book yourself in to get some professional advice. A mental health plan gives you 10 subsidised trips to see a psychologist and it sounds like you really need somebody to talk to at the moment.

[Mal50]

Hi Pat, thank you for your kind reply. Though we've been married for so many years I've felt a deep loneliness for a long time, so it's not the fear of that. Yes I have stayed for both my sons sake. I could never ever abandone them, no matter what. My own father abandoned us when I was very young, and I felt that loss, and vowed to never do that to my own children.

My wife is dead set against counsellors of any kind, she hates them. If I try to seek help from anyone in the area of mental health she makes my life a living hell, and our GP is no help at all. None of this is new to me Pat. I was made to suffer my entire life, rejected before I was even born. I wasn't supposed to be.

[geoff]

hi Mal and thanks Pat, but I must conceive that my 25 year marriage was no different, and I have said many times before that I didn't blame my wife (ex)for divorcing me, however my thoughts have changed now as some matters have been discussed with me by my sons about the past, which actually confirmed my original thoughts, and by saying that I'm not going to go overboard in what I say about her.
Mal, I too was bullied by her behaviour and if I didn't agree to what she wanted I would get the 'silent treatment'for a few days.
What she has done to your son is not what he needs to gain any confidence, and to belittle your son is pathetic and would certainly make you feel terrible.
By having a gentle demeanour is only 'feed for fodder' and I would also be looking at whether or not you want to stay in this relationship.
I understand that your two sons are your pride and joy and I'm sure that they aren't left alone with her criticism, which amounts to the three of you having inferiority complex's, that's certainly no good for all of you and not what you would ever want.
I'm not asking you to leave but have you thought about other scenarios or perhaps talked to a lawyer.
My wife divorced me and there would never ever be a chance that we could reunite, especially what has now come to light from my sons, so the property was sold and split up.
After being married for 27 years and now it hasn't been a pleasureable relationship, maybe it's to think about what you can do, and can I say that once we sold the house and separated that's when my depression started to lift. Geoff.

[geoff]

sorry Mal, but the reason your wife hates counsellors is because she hates being told what to do. Geoff.

[Mal50]

Thanks Geoff, I appreciate your reply.

[Mal50]

Yes Geoff, I'm fully aware of that. She's very controlling and manipulative.