Forever Single

[Paris9412]

A little bit about me - I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship. I have had many sexual experiences and have dated a lot but have just never been able to commit to or be exclusive with anyone (even when I had feelings for the person). Not because I haven't had the opportunity to be in a relationship, but because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Ever since I was fifteen I've known romantic love wasn't really a thing for me. Ever since I had my first crush I've had a fear of commitment - I remember them telling me they felt the same way and I felt so uncomfortable about it, and immediately moved on. It's not a fear of vulnerability because I'm very good at doing that. It's just ingrained into me to avoid relationships and be single.

I want to feel normal and like I can do normal things like commit to someone and be in love. I just feel like it's not supposed to happen to me, and I try desperately to change it by going on lots of dates hoping I'll find someone who will make me change my mind. I'm very picky and no one interests me. My friends all say that I just have to find the right person but even when I really like someone it just doesn't feel right for me not to be single. I feel like if I was in a relationship I would feel trapped and like I'm not being myself - I think it's just such a foreign thing to me, I wouldn't know how to cope. I would like to feel normal and be in a committed relationship like all my friends but I don't know if dating will ever feel right to me. I feel like it's not really normal that I've only had feelings for two people in my entire life and that everyone else finds falling in love so easy. A few of my friends went on their first date ever and now have been with the same guy for two years. I've had hundreds of dates and never find myself interested in anyone.

I'm tired of hearing "I didn't meet my partner until I was ___, you'll find the right person etc" when I'm not even sure if it's true (or if I ever want to be with anyone anyway). I just feel like an outsider when everyone else is so madly in love and building their lives with their partners. Has anyone else ever felt the same or had a similar fear of commitment? How did you cope?

Thanks for listening.

[Croix]

Dear Paris9412~

I'd like to welcome you here and can see you do feel isolated as you are not doing the same things as those around you. Ok so a lot of people want to be in partnerships, you do not - or at least not now. Maybe I'm missing the point but if you do not feel the need for another person close in your life now then why not just accept that?

You do feel a lot of pressure to be like your friends, you mention this several times, however your friends are not you. Id imagine going on lots of dates etc would only heighten the fact none were for you and your aims were not necessarily the same as your friends.

You could call it fear of commitment, but I'm not sure that's right, more like what has been offered is not for you. You did say that you have only ever had feelings for two people, so if I may ask what was different about them?

As time goes on and many form couples and have children your interests and theirs and your lifestyles will drift apart. That is normal too. There will still be room for friendship. I remember in my childhood many uncles and aunties, some married, some single. All part of my life and each unique.

If I had to talk about coping I'd say having confidence you are a worthwhile person with your own abilities and preferences is the most important thing. I guess that comes from accomplishment and a measure of success in your own endeavors - not necessarily social ones, anything.

Would you like to come back and say what you thought of this idea?

Croix