Finding peace after being hurt during one of the hardest years of my life

[escher_1999]

I'm a doctor and met my ex (both in our early 20s) earlier this yr. He was my direct senior at the time and we'd known each other for a few mths, but were purely work mates at that stage. Then one day I received a call at work that my sister had suffered severe head injuries after attempting suicide. My ex was right next to me when it all unfolded. During the following wks our friendship grew and we became closer over a couple of mths before starting an official relationship. I've continued working full-time, studying part-time and tried to sustain my social life as best as I can since the accident. At this point I felt happy overall, though waves of pain would wash over me occasionally. //My ex is religious and I'm not. We had a few long chats about it and I'm open to exploring religion so we decided to continue dating. He talked to his family a couple of wks into the relationship and they didn't approve. He said his feelings were true and deep, and told me he wanted to fight for us. I trusted him, though I would've respected a decision to end things if he felt that way. Around the same time, his close friend of 4yrs confessed her love to him. He told me she wished him well but had given him an ultimatum that for them, it would either be a relationship or they couldn't stay friends. He affirmed that he wanted to be w/ me and said he'd give her some time to cool off. I didn't pay too much mind at the time. //Fast forward 2wks, he flew interstate for one of his best friend's weddings. She was also there and I trusted that he'd respect boundaries. It was a few days later when I picked him up from the airport that I sensed sth had changed. He said he'd been feeling that sth was missing for the past 2wks and after spending time w/ his friend, he realised that he loved her. He was crying so hard, even hitting himself at one stage as he was breaking up with me. //The pain I felt was excruciating. I loved him, but he knew the extent of my vulnerability at this time and chose not to communicate w/ me when he had doubts. Mb I wouldn't have felt this hurt if I wasn't already trying to process a deeper loss. The day after we broke up, he msged saying he'd wait patiently for my forgiveness, however long it takes. It's been almost 2mths since then and I've blocked him on all platforms to try give myself complete space to heal. I'm exhausted and far from feeling at peace.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for your medical devotion.

I'm 66yo and back when 21yo I met a lady I fell in love with. For the next few years there would never have ever been anyone I thought I could love more. Alas, there was a few issues that I felt were easily overcome- they weren't. Her indecision and lack of commitment drained the life out of the relationship. After 6 years I gave her an ultimatum- I'd give her 12 months to decide- marry me or I'll move on. 12 months to the day I got the same answer as always- "I dont know, I'll think about it". I left. 3 months later at a chance meeting I talked with her and that same indecision was apparent. 20 years later another chance encounter and the same attitude to life. I had confirmed it was her nature was why her indecision was so inground.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

So, from your account of events his religious convictions can be included in his "nature" as it's so inground among his family. The difficulty is determining if your trust can be mended. Is his indecision/breach of trust part of his nature? It is a big gamble for people to take, to commit to a lifelong relationship of love and care only to, down the track, wish you had gone with your gut instinct.

Recovery will take time as you know grief is a time thing for it to drift. Self esteem is a thing you'll need to work on to lift yourself and carry out activities that result in you expanding your social life and filling in time, keeping busy will help.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Sadly in your situation guilt becomes a factor. "saying he'd wait patiently for my forgiveness" , that might well be the case but that doesnt help you now.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

Charity begins at home. Look after yourself and any question please ask.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Oh gosh escher, what a hard horrible year for you. I'm sorry for everything that's happened. 
How is your sister doing? 

I'm sorry for your losses. 

You're processing so much atm. 
I find that NAMING these emotions helps us make them more tangible then allows us to seek specific healing modes for each of them together or separately. 

Being a Dr will help with your research! 
But these are matters of our emotional heart and healing our broken heart takes time. 
We want to get better NOW, but alas, time helps. 

3 things to help your journey...
One is SELF-CARE. Research backed to build resilience which is one of the remedies you're seeking. We have a thread here to get you started if you like. 
Two is GRATITUDE. You can journal about this, view YouTube clips and join in on a thread about Thankfulness here too. 
Three is Brene Brown. Her work is truly amazing. Her aims are around sharing results from the Lab to increase everyone's wellbeing to live a whole hearted life. 
She has many books, Ted Talks and a Netflix special. Her last book "Atlas of the Heart" is a brilliant go to for ANYONE who knows people, works with people and is a person themselves. 

Crying does help! I got sick of crying so I "timed" my cries lol. Sounds silly but my Counsellor suggested this and it helped me so much. I worked out if I cry for only 20 minutes then I avoid a headache. 

Thankyou for your service. 
Pop back any time and share how you're doing! 
Love EM