Being pressured into getting married and having children

[Molly2_2]

Hello everyone,

I’ve been having some trouble with my partner’s mother (partly his father) that has left me feeling upset, angry and anxious.

My personal background I believe is strongly linked to this, so I need to mention it. For most of my life, I have cared for my mother who has a physical disability, an illness, as well as her own depression. It’s hard, and throughout my adult life I’ve felt torn because it’s so difficult to progress with my education and career while also being there for her. Over the years, I’ve managed to find a way to balance (to a certain degree) these aspects of my life. This year I was so happy and proud to be accepted into a PhD program. I’m doing it part-time due to my circumstances, but I’m still happy about it.

Another thing to know about me is that I have never wanted children. I am nearly 30 and consider myself to be childfree. I have no desire to raise a child. Not to mention, with my life circumstances, I don’t think a baby would help. I am very open about this. My partner also doesn’t want children. However, his parents (mostly his mother) are very traditional…and expect us to get married and have children.

When I was accepted into my PhD program this year, my partner’s parents proactively discouraged me from enrolling. In the past, his mother has explicitly shoved baby clothes, pictures, etc, in front of me. She’s also made comments like “you’ll change your mind”, “every woman wants a child”, etc. It’s very frustrating, especially as she already has nine grandchildren. It’s not as if she’ll never experience being a grandmother, and most importantly, it’s my life and my body. 

As a result, I have not seen either his mother or father since the start of the year. Apparently, she did stop mentioning weddings and babies after a second confrontation with my partner. However, knowing her personality, I think this will definitely come up again, especially as I near my late 30s. I don’t know how to deal with her. I feel this anger bubbling up inside whenever I think about it, and I’m worried that I’ll say something horrible. Simultaneously, it makes me very anxious, and I also feel like I’m going to burst out crying. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I find it amusing and frustrating that people have assumptions. But we are not in this world to live up to others expectations.

There is a number of methods to get your message across. Eg take with you an application to join a tennis/footy/sewing/parachuting/hot air ballooning club. Upon them mentioning having children dont answer, immediately give them the application regardless of them having no interest. Not only will it change the topic it will hit home that they wont want to join such clubs as it isnt an interest they have. Do this each time they say it, out comes the application.

The message here is- they lived their lives in the manner of which they chose, you can live your the same. 

In-laws interfering is an unpleasant situation. How much obligation does an in-law have with them? Good question. I suggest in most situations- there is a limited amount of obligation from near zero to being accepted as a family member but it is a fragile thing. My point is, that you can drift if the pressure gets too much. Drift, meaning halving your visits and the more often they mention children the more you drift. It isnt revenge, it's common interests and differences. The key is to remain civil for the reason that they are misguided as to respecting your future, they are not display evil mistreatment.

Regards 

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hey Molly2_2, 

Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like it’s a really difficult time for you. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with this pressure. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss this, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 

You can also reach out to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors anytime, on 1300 22 4636, available 24/7, or you can speak to them on webchat here. 
 
Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. We hope you can be as kind to yourself during this difficult time as you have been in opening up and sharing with the community here, today. 
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M 

[ecomama]

Dear Molly, welcome to the forums. 

WOW, GO YOU! Getting accepted for your PhD, WOW. Congratulations!! 
I'm so proud of you lol. 

You are a wonderful daughter caring for your mother! 
I'm so proud of you for THIS too, wow. 

I'm also VERY proud of the facts that you know what you want in life, meaning not having children. 
CONGRATULATIONS! 
Knowing this and sticking with it, regardless of the pressures of family, is hard for most people but it's SO important. 

It's extremely toxic for in-laws or any one to put pressures on you (and your partner) that you have stated you will not be doing, oh my Lord. 

Indeed "most importantly, it's my life and body" - YES!!! 

I've spoken to my own children about this very thing and told them all when they were teenagers, "Don't think that I had YOU to have grand children. If I never have grand children that's FINE BY ME, because I have lived my own life and I really want YOU to live yours in any way you want or need to". End of. 

I know your anger is building over this because it's control you're resisting. 
I had some one liners to shut my in-laws up about almost everything they hatched up and spear headed me with, it didn't stop them but I'm divorced now so it's WONDERFUL lol. 

Perhaps you can think of some? 

Perhaps also, if you DO want a relationship with them, even for special occasions only, then it could help seeking some Counselling over this. 
I'm grateful your partner is protective of you over this. 

Stand strong in your convictions. 

Take care
Love EM

[Juliet_84]

Hi Molly,

I also wanted to congratulate you on being accepted into a PhD program, that is no easy feat, particularly considering that you have also had to manage being a carer for your mother for so long! Ugh why can’t some relatives ever seem to stay out of our business!! You’ve spent your whole life caring for your mother essentially and now she wants to saddle you with a child for the next 20 years!! It’s not for everyone but unfortunately there is that societal expectation, and being a nearly 40 something woman without kids myself, I completely get where you are coming from. How do I deal with it when asked, sometimes unhappy to be open with the reason why I don’t want kids but with some people I like to say “that’s a personal matter which I’d rather not discuss” which really puts them in their place. I’d use something like this on your mother in law as it shames her for asking and also creates that distance so she knows you aren’t close enough to be asking that. You could try deflecting with humour by pointedly saying “what, 9 grandkids isn’t enough for you” but that also gives her an opportunity to respond so I’d personally stick with the first, polite but firm. Aside from that, I’d keep my distance as you are doing as she seems like the meddling type anyway. Your life is your own, and only you have to live with the consequences of your decisions and kids are a big decision. She’s had her time.  

[geoff]

Hello Molly, well done for being accepted into the PhD program.

You and your partner have made a joint decision not to have children, that's totally your choice and should have nothing to do with your partner's parents, because when their time comes, it's you who will still have to look after the children, so you are only planning for your own future and that's all you need to do.

It has nothing to do with his parents, it's your life you have to decide on.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Molly2_2]

Thank you for your reply. I will definitely try the application method, there are a few that you mentioned that I know she will definitely not like. I don't think it will change her, I just want her to get the point and respect me enough to let me make my own decisions. 

I think I have definitely, quite automatically drifted as a result of her actions earlier this year. However, I feel like I can't keep doing it forever, especially as she has quieted down over the past couple of month (though I do believe that old habits are hard to quit).  

[Molly2_2]

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions! I will definitely try the first one that you mentioned. 

I wish my partner's mother could see your logic. She doesn't know every detail about myself and my mother, but she does know that i have cared for her and that my mother is still ill. It really boggles my brain as to how she thinks I would want a child, let alone how she thinks I could manage one emotionally or financially in my situation. 

My partner has said that she hasn't been mentioning weddings or babies over the past couple of months, and I know that he wants me to come to at least one or two events. If her behaviour starts again, I will definitely try some of the suggestions mentioned here. She is certainly very meddling, and has a certain way of thinking. I don't think she has changed over, she's probably just trying to get me to come back. My partner said that his  mother was trying to push his 32 year old female cousin into dating a family friend last week. The issue is that his cousin is quite content with being single at the moment and wants to focus on her studies as well. It just seems like she can't stop trying to "correct" people's behaviour...so I know it's only a matter of time before she starts again with me. 

[ecomama]

Dear Molly, I was thinking of you caring for your mother plus doing your PhD PLUS being in a relationship, then this too. 

It's too much. It's also sad to say that so often it's not the controlling person that seeks Counselling but the victims of this behaviour that needs it. 

I also just thought "Who does she think she is?"

She's pushing and interfering and bullying and a whole lot more. 
She has not been granted higher knowledge of ALL people's decisions. 

My eldest D is dealing with her partner's awfully controlling mother, so much so that her partner thinks that I WOULD react in identical ways as her UGH! 
My response to my D was, how wonderful it must be to be SO PERFECT that she thinks she can Lord over her adult children about every little decision they make. 

Out of all this, it's your partner that would suffer the most (or that we care about the most lol) if there was a rift in the family over this person's behaviours. Someone will need to communicate how damaging her behaviour is to you all. 

I agree, I think she'll start up again. 
Putting armour on with family is an awful thing to have to do indeed. 

Love EM