feeling worthless

Guest_09764308

i’m 19, have multiple chronic illnesses that have rendered me disabled and i’m unlikely to work, i have learning disabilities and processing difficulties, all of these combined has made my family see me as lesser than a human.

i had a discussion today where even though i am highly educated on the topic bwcause i’m passionate about it, i got told that i was way wrong and i needed to open a history book in the nastiest most disrespectful tone ever, i know i’m correct which is hurting me more because now i’m questioning whether i’ve been taught correctly or whether i am jsut entirely stupid and have no clue what i’m even talking about.

this feeling runs so deep for me, i’ve always been treated this way if my family doesn’t agree entirely on the topic, i’m always treated like i’m completely illiterate and worthless to the discussion, even as a kid not even talking about educational things, i’d always been ridiculed and spoken to like i was just dirt on the ground, like i knew nothing whatsoever. today opened up a lot of old feelings that i pushed down and tried to forget about, this year was so hard for me with my family and i finally thought i was pushing past how i was treated and coming out on top, but then i see nyself as the same child who was bullied relentlessly by my own family, to the point of being suicidal multiple times in my life DUE to my family!! my sister abused me and her boyfriend joined in to egg her on, made her worse and made her eventually want to put hands on me, all for it to be blamed on me, that she’s mentally ill and i just need to act differently. i’m always at fault somehow, i’m always the stupid one, i’m always uneducated, i’m always ridiculed, i am nothing to these people but a punching bag to make themselves feel smarter

therising

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I feel for you so much, I truly do.

Personally, I'm not a fan of the way society tends to place so much importance on that 'computer' or 'processor' up there in our head (our brain). We can be graded and even de-graded, based on how well it works or doesn't work. At the end of the day, it's just a computer, just a processor. To me, the nature of a person can say so much more.

We could ask ourself 'Do I have the computing or processing capacity for complex chemistry, biology, math and things along those lines?'. If you're anything like me, the answer to that would be 'I don't believe so. Maybe I do but I just don't know how to access all that'. All that can be of little interest to us anyway. I believe it's important to begin asking 'What is of interest to me?' or 'What are my specialties?' or even 'What abilities do I possess?'. You obviously have

the ability to recognise what is not clear to others, such as how your family treats you
the ability to feel tone of voice, an ability not everyone has
the ability to question, the ability to wonder and the ability to open your mind. Would you say your family members have such abilities or do they need to develop them? Do they refuse to question so much, refuse to engage in wonder filled or wonderful conversations and do they refuse to open their mind to possibilities like you do?
the ability to develop of sense of what's going on or get a feel for what's going on (such as with people being belittling in order to make themselves feel bigger)

These are just some of your many abilities, based on your post. If I knew you better, I imagine you'd amaze me even more.

Given a choice between spending time with an academically intelligent degrading person who is lacking in emotional sensitivity vs an open minded and a naturally intelligent person with so many natural abilities, I typically like to choose the naturally intelligent person. An open minded person who is able to feel/sense, engage in wonderful or wonder full conversation and who loves raising people, as opposed to bringing them down, is my type of person. The rest can just feel angering and/or depressing. It's not our fault we can feel or sense their nature. The reason we can feel it is based on our ability to feel/sense. Unfeeling and insensitive people will typically lead us to experience such an ability as a curse. As a 55yo gal, it's only recently that I've discovered that the reason it feels like a curse at times is because I'm in the process of trying to master the incredible gift of sensitivity. Definitely a number of people in life who will test us when it comes to us graduating up and up towards becoming absolute masters of sensitivity. Important to keep in mind that those who bring us down are not the people invested in helping us graduate, although they can be helpful in leading us to reflect on where we're at in that graduation process: 'Do I need to do more work in better understanding how I tick before I'm tested again?'.🤗