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Feeling worthless

Singlemum_2
Community Member

Hi,

partner left me at the beginning of the year we have two small children

I didn't want the relationship to end but he had a drinking issue Which caused issues with us he also I believe was struggling with depression but he wasnt admitting to that at the time.

i usually deal with break ups with no contact however I do really care about him (+the shared kids) so I told him that if he ever really needed me I'd be there but that we can't be best friends ie not chatting everyday

in August he came to me admitted he was struggling with depression he came and stayed with me and the kids for about 4 days and apologised he wasn't there for me when I needed him as he never believed mental illness was real until now (I struggled with anxiety and depression whilst pregnant partly because he was out drinking so much)

since we have broken up I find it hard to move forward as I don't have a lot of time for me with two small kids he takes them 1 night a week (all he can do with his work) I am ok most time and unless he made considerable progress I wouldn't go back but I still sometimes struggle with the fact that it ended

he was prescribed meds in August but said he didn't want to take them and wanted to stop drinking instead. He hasn't done neither he also never continued with his psychologist.

through out this year he has let me down a lot just general selfishness cancelling when he was suppose to have kids last minute even if I had plans.

He is a good guy and he treats everyone else really pretty good you know do anything for his mates.

Its just me who he seems to have no regard for. He says he cares about me and he knows I always put him first and was very caring and good to him but we were just arguing and he couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle anything anymore (his words)

I just don't know what I could of done better.

And I don't know how going forward I can stop allowing him to make me feel like that.?

I know you cannot blame other people for how you feel but I am doing ok until he does something that is selfish and ends with me having to pick up the slack.

when I feel worthless it consumes me, I think I still have to much importance on us being on ok terms I hate fighting

I have tried to understand but he just gave up on us and I really struggling with feeling like it's not something I've done wrong.

We have a parenting plan.

how do I keep myself protected and also any advice on how to stop feeling worthless

thank you.

11 Replies 11

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Singlemum, I think it hurts the most when you do car about someone, but they won't stop doing what is creating the problem and then causes the separation, and it's obvious that he has a drinking problem, which will always be the culprit.
I understand your point in not wanting to talk to him everyday, because not much would have changed, but he's not helping himself if he won't take any med's nor does he want to continue seeing his psychologist, and to be able to give the alcohol by himself requires a very strong person with a purpose in life.
I don't think it's unrealistic to believe that someone else's behaviour can cause you for how you feel, in fact it happens quite regularly, but it seems as though all he wants is to be with his mates where he can drink at any time he can.
You can't change him, that has to come from him, but you can't blame yourself here, if he wants to be with you and the kids then he has to compromise.
We all have our own personalities what we like, what we do , and what our intentions are, but in any relationships if we want to keep it going is where the both of you have to come to some sort of agreement in what you want to strive for, but when one of you refuses to accept any mutual agreement, problems happen, and can't be rectified until, and in this case your partner, has any desire to change. Geoff. x

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Singlemum. In any relationship, compromise is part and parcel of it. If there's only one doing all the 'agreeing' the relationship, such as it is, fails because basically, it takes two. I think at this point, unfortunately, you are going to have to be the strong one and set some boundaries. The first one, for the kids safety, is insist he stops drinking when he has them. He is on an emotional merry-go-round where the drink is 'better' than admitting he needs medication. I know you want the kids to see their father, but you need to know they're safe. If he insists on drinking, perhaps suggest an hour supervised visits, somewhere away from the home. As far as his refusal to take his AD's, that really is something only he can sort out. The old saying: you can lead a horse to water. Your only real priority is you and the kids. His needs are his responsibility.

Lynda

Thanks for your responses.

I don't think he wants to be with us I think he finds the kids hard work as sad as that is his priorities are all wrong.

You are right Geoff in that all he wants to do is be able to drink when he wants, his mates are always around. I don't think he acknowledges any of his own behaviour as being a contributing factor, he just believes he and I don't get along. His parents seperated and it's still nasty since I met him 5 years ago he has always said relationships don't work.

I just feel I'm questioning myself and feeling like what more could I have done. I know it's not fair on me to feel like that but I don't understand how he can put drinking higher than me and the kids.

I am a good person and we use to have fun together he just has lost sight of that.

In saying that my aim at this point isn't for us to reconcile he has made no indication that is what he wants and I don't want the anxiety back anyway, yet I still feel heartbroken and I don't know how to move past that.

Recently I'm waking up feeling low and he is on my mind all the time. I'm not functioning properly and have lost motivation.

i have also requested he does not drink with the kids which he agreed to but he still does

I really missed him last night, I haven't felt that in a long time. I thought I was further along on the break up journey.

I just want to stop hurting

Hi Singlemum. The grieving process takes time as you try to figure out where you may have gone wrong. His drinking problem is serious because he's in denial that he has a problem. You did nothing wrong except maybe falling in love with the wrong person. Unfortunately he will never really connect to anyone for any length of time. Even other people who drink will eventually move away as his illness progresses. I think the 'missing' him part is more the companionship you may have had. I left my hubby at the end of last year after 25 years, I too, missed him, but more the knowledge that he had been part of my life than the actual marriage part. Like you, I blamed me for the marriage failing. No-one is really to blame when a marriage dissolves, it's more two people simply stop communicating and the connection fails. The responsibility of marriage, work, children etc, often causes communication problems. Your hubby seems to want to be 'one of the boys', and see the kids at his convenience. As I said before, you are going to have to be strong and only allow limited access when he is sober, the children want to see dad - yes, but their safety is important. I suggest if he arrives and he has had drink, you should maybe suggest you go for a walk together or sit and have a coffee somewhere, away from the house. If he refuses, then you have the right to request he leaves and makes another time to see them when he is sober. This may seem harsh but the longer you allow this unacceptable behaviour to continue, the longer it will continue. All the children need to be told is, dad's not too well today, so he's had to go home. Yes, they will be disappointed, but he needs to face his responsibilities where they are concerned.

Lynda

HI, I'm a single mum of 16years. I raise 3 children, one in the army.

We can't control others, we can only control ourselves.

We should never allow someone else to control our emotions. Easy to say hard to do, but obviously the ex is controlling yours. He doesn't care, about you or about the children.

We as females need to figure things out, we over think, and become anxious. Some times we need to get to a point when we say, I will never understand this but I have to move on for me. It's so hard to do.

My biggest suggestion, and this is your life, your in control of it!!!! Advertise for a baby sitter, get a cheap trust worthy teenager, pay them in your home a small rate and go out. Go have some drinks, go dance, go talk to other women or men... if their not sleezy or dramatic. or even just walk on a beach, take a bath. But find some me time.

Go get your life again!!!!

Good luck!!!

159357
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi, i think i've been in a similar situation as you. You may be feeling that there wasn't an effort or love balance in your relationship. You very likely feel that you put all this effort and love in to make the relationship work, but it still yielded no results. I hope you can make it through.

Hi erwc

this is exactly how I feel.

I just don't know how to move past that feeling. It doesn't help that he keeps letting me down and even when I ask for the absolut bare minimum contact he doesn't respect that or he still seems to make choices that effect us both because of the kids without even consulting me first or even considering how that effects me.

This year has been a roller coaster on the emotions but for some reason This last set back seems to be the worst. I'm neglecting my house work starting to want to shut off from the world and cancelling appointments. I feel guilty as it's not the mother I want my kids to have. I am not working ATM which I don't think helps as it's easy to stay in my own self pity and also the financial pressure.

I am going to try and get my old job back (before I had my last child) it's shift work so it's not ideal but I feel I just need to do something familiar till I find my feet again.

Will also book an appointment to see my councillor again

Hi Singlemum. Unfortunately with grieving for what you've lost (or never actually had) almost seems to exaggerate the guilt you have. You tried so hard to make this marriage work, but you were alone in it. He failed to work with you and left you feeling you had failed. He prefers drinking and spending time with his mates rather than being a hubby and father. He's repeatedly let you down and no doubt you have had the kids blame you. Perhaps now might be a good time to explain to them that dad can't be the father they want as his illness prevents him. Trying to explain he has depression won't be easy, so I suggest you tell them dad is unable at this time to be a father as he has some problems he needs to work on. If they ask what the problems are tell them you don't fully understand either. That way you're not lying, just carefully evading the question. Try to reiterate he does love them, but he just can't be a father at this time. If he arrives and he has been drinking, explain he is not a good example while he is under the influence. Booking an appointment with your councilor would be beneficial for your support. You do need to set boundaries in place so you and the kids can get some routines in place. They need stability. I would ask the councilor to help you set the boundaries. That way you're not alone, and your councilor may be able to give you some strategies for dealing with hubby when he arrives. As I mentioned earlier BB is also here to support you through this. You need to know you have support.

Lynda