Why am i so stupid ?
Hi V. (sorry, I can't bring myself to calling you your chosen name).
A warm welcome to the forums and well done for making the brave decision to reach out. You are still grieving the loss of your marriage. Finding it difficult to move on is no reason to beat yourself. You obviously feel a lot of love for your ex. Nothing wrong with that but perhaps there's more to this distressful situation than meets the eye. Over dependency (and its causes) could -for example- stall forward progress.
Sometimes, deep rooted emotional/mental issues block the letting go process. These must be worked on before we can disentangle from the past and get on with our lives. Have you thought of talking to a GP about this issue ? Perhaps you need referral to a counselor to help you through this difficult time. No need to struggle alone when help is available. Only a proper diagnosis will help you figure what you are up against and what can be done about it.
It is impossible to give adequate help based on a few brief lines. If you are comfortable with it, please feel free to expand on the effects this reluctance to let go has in everyday life. For example, is it affecting your work and/or social life ?
We're here to help and support you. How best can we do that ?
It's been almost 12 years since our divorce, but I have to understand that my drinking and depression did drive her away,but yes I do question why she hooked up with someone else so quickly, a person older than her, and someone who has everything she hated in me, but for her and myself to be together again could never happen, because it would only take us back to the same situation were once in.
Yes I will always love her but she only cares for me, and this won't change because she has another life, and if something happens that we do live together, it will never work, even though she gets my jokes and does laugh, but in a short time it would be over once again.
I'm so sorry for you but you can still love her as much as you want to, but she has another life. Geoff.
Hi Vidiot. I can understand totally the need to forgive and forget. I was married for 25 years, my ex didn't have any affairs (that I know of). Our biggest problem was his inability to put me ahead of his demanding parents. Their needs were always more important than me. However, if you did reconcile, would you feel secure every time she went out. Would you feel the need to question her whereabouts? Trust is ultra in marriage, where there's doubt, there's little or not trust. I too considered a reconciliation, my ex FIL became extremely depressed when his wife was admitted to a rest home. I had to think about what I would be returning to if I did return. More of my ex being there for his dad, knowing that, again, I would be ignored. I realize it's hard, you're obviously lonely, miss her etc. I too missed my ex for a while. Missing them is partly because their company (such as it is) is better than no company. You are grieving too, that doesn't mean you're pathetic, it means you have feelings. Do you have anyone you can talk to. Perhaps ask a Dr for some help with the depression that you have. The depression is possibly making you feel more lonely and needy.
hey Vidiot. You did your best to hold your marriage together. Unfortunately, your wife didn't work with you. I am not what I would consider 'religious' either, but when we marry, we do have expectations of 'everlasting love'. The fact that you will always 'be there' for your wife and kids is commendable, but you also have to be there for yourself. If the AD's are causing nasty side effects, a visit to your Dr to discuss them would be beneficial. AD's can take a while to start working and sometimes the side effects mean they need adjusting. Congrats on the commitment to quit smoking. With all the things you are trying to change in your life, remember to be aware you may need time to readjust to all the changes you intend making. Take it slowly and gently.