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Feeling trapped with narcissist partner

Purple4
Community Member

Firstly I don't even know why I call him my partner as I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship. I feel really stupid saying this out loud as I am a 46 year old woman who should know better.

I have been in a 'relationship' for 6 years, a very one sided relationship. He takes and I give. I just don't know why I stay with him. I'm so unhappy but yet I stay.

My partner is also my boss at work which complicates everything.

He is sucking all the joy out of my life and I dream about life without him. My doctor asked me why do I stay and my response was that he needs me. He wouldn't cope if I left him.

I'm so down tonight after another hurtful degrading arguement with him and I just try to put my relationship in the too hard basket and ignore my feelings.

I dont have close friends or family I trust to talk to so I am very isolated .

Has anyone broken free from a narcissist? I'm just so exhausted.

21 Replies 21

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Purple...πŸ€—..

Enjoy your time with your beautiful daughter..and for the next few days/nights...put your partner out of your thoughts and have some great mother/daughter time...

Love with hugs..

Grandy..

Purple4
Community Member

I feel pretty proud of myself tonight. I have stood my ground and not allowed my partner to belittle me or make me feel worthless. I knew he would ignore me so I did my own thing after work Saturday. I never saw or heard from him until Sunday afternoon when he phoned me. I let it go to voice message. The message was, I'm going to watch a movie if you want you can come over.

I called him back about 30min later and said I was busy at home. I told him that he was more than welcome to come here and his response was, I will see.

Anyway he has to come to my house before he goes to work every night as I do the bookwork that he needs to take with him. I knew I wouldn't see him before this as in his mind he is punishing me by leaving me on my own for the weekend. When he came over just before he was very cold and angry and I just greeted him with a smile. He took the bookwork from me and went to leave when I said, 'dont you want a hug?'

He had the smug look on his face and said no, if you wont have sex with me I won't hug you.

I said, well I'm going to give you a hug anyway because I'm a nice person. He didn't return the hug.

Then as predicted he said, you have brought this on yourself.

I didn't bite and replied, I don't behave like you. By continuing to ignore me you are only hurting yourself. I wont be around you when you treat me badly. I told him that I loved him but hated his behaviour. I then said seeya and went inside. He looked so deflated as I took my power back.

Im sure he is thinking of ways to hurt me more but I had to try once more to get through to him. I feel a sense of calm right now and I'm really proud of myself for how I reacted to him.

I do know that some will say I'm stupid for still trying but I really feel deep love for this man. I needed to give him an opportunity to change the way he treats me. I guess time will tell. I have said straight out to him that if you cant treat me well its time we break up so things don't turn nasty.

I truly do hope he wakes up and realizes that I will leave. Just making these posts is giving me strength

Purple4
Community Member

Since I have been taking control, well trying to take control of my person life my partner has realised that I'm not biting back and I guess he got bored as today at work he has pulled the rug from under me and is trying to change things to make me unhappy.

I was caught off guard and snapped at him when he spoke down to me dictating the changes and then I saw the smerk on his face.

I calmly told him that I was onto his behaviour and he was angry. I never fell in a heap and cried, I simply told him that if he didn't show me respect in the workplace I would leave. He knows I love my job and would hate to leave so he has that over my head.

I will have to see how tomorrow goes with these so called changes.

I wonder if I am staying due to my job. A big part of me thinks I am.

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Purple..

It seems to me like your partner enjoys to be challenged..and the more you stand up for yourself the happier he is to take on the challenge of control..

Mine was different..if I challenged hubby..I would be physically hurt..if I ignored him..the same..but if I went along with him..he was okay..because he knew he still owned me...

Yes he has the upper hand with you liking your job..and will try hard to use that however he can to keep you in a relationship with him....I think that you are very much worth more then your job...You come first sweety...your health and happiness..Please you need to concentrate on you and both your physical and mental health....Thats what’s the most important..

Please take good care of you and stay safe..

Sending you my love with Kind thoughts and hugs..πŸ’œπŸ€—πŸŒˆ.

Grandy..

Gem_85
Community Member

Hello,

I hope it's ok to reply as i don't have very good advice, just reading your post and i see so many similarities in what you wrote as to what i am going thru now. But probably not to the extent.

I am 34, with a 2 year old. My husband and i have only been married a bit over a year. He makes me feel terrible and speaks down to me regularly, there is no physical abuse but he gets mad and wont speak to me when i am too tired or dont want to have sex. We lost our house and finances are in a shambles so were back living with my parents and i so want to try to save money for a house and when i try to discuss it with me he tells me it's his money and he can spend it how he likes (he does give me some each week, we dont go without i just want to have some say in our saving). He will swear at me and make me cry constantly just saying nasty things, then around other people treats me like i'm the most amazing thing, people say they are jealous of our relationship! i think i'm trying to figure out if he is a narcissist or just a bit mean. He makes comments to our 2 year old that are negative towards me, i would never say anything bad about him to her. but then a lot of the time we get along well and are happy, i just feel so anxious all the time knowing that i will eventually say something to set him off. he works nights this week and it's so pleasant just being with my daughter with no risk of being sworn at or growled at or told to shut up.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is but i had to reply, i feel like we are in a similar situation. I dont know what to do. But thanks for posting, it's given me some to think about xx

Purple4
Community Member

Thanks so much for your reply. I am sorry it has taken so long for me to see it. Please feel free to share anything with me here. Walking on egg shells is horrible.

Hope to hear from you again x

Jayesky
Community Member

Hi

I'm new to this so I am learning about the process of the forums.

I just wanted to say though that the only way you will truly get back the power is to actually end the rela and quit your job. Because everything you are doing is to play to him and he probably knows it. You won't win this fight that you feel you are getting the upper hand. The fact you hugged him after he said he didn't want you to is a perfect example of how easily manipulated you can be.

You are old enough to walk away and find happiness. You'll NEVER receive the respect you are craving. Hopefully you realise how all these things you are trying are really pointless and move on. If not good luck because it's just a vicious cycle and it will just keep going around and around.

Purple4
Community Member

Thanks for your reply

I agree 100% with everything you said. Writing this thread helped me when I was feeling extremely low. Anyone in my situation should run as fast as they can.

I am still in this relationship and I am doing ok. I go through stages when I really want to leave, then find every excuse to stay.

Thanks again for your post

Elsam
Community Member

OMG! Your story is my life!
I keep trying to make excuses for my husbands behaviour but he continues to lie, break my trust and abandon me.
I just don’t know how this is ever going to end, it is killing me slowly.

I would love to just run away and have my freedom but I feel guilty.
I don’t know what to try next, I have been trying to make this work with him for 25 years and he just takes, takes, takes!

Purple4
Community Member

Hi Elsam

I don't know if you use facebook or not but there is a page I follow to help with dealing with a narcissist.

She is a Public figure and her name is Melanie Tonia Evans. She does workshops on how to recover from narcissistic abuse. I find many of her posts helpful and you may aswell.

One topic - trauma bonding I found really insightful.

I'm exhausted tonight but I will chat with you more next time.

Take Care x