Feeling like an insignificant wife

[Guest_63146717]

Today was typical of how my husband reacts when we clash on something. I want to talk about it. He walks out. Refuses to answer my calls. When he comes back like 5 hrs later and I confront him. HE Says..."I didnt want to talk to you. By walking away I felt better"

I said well Im glad it did. Cos it nade me feel worse.

Since then he has come out to me once and stated how he felt. Not interested in how I feel. Not interested in talking about ir. Just about him. Then came out and said you okay? I quietly said yep....looked up and he was already gone. 

Im sitting on my own. Im exhausted. Im tired. Im over it all. Im over life in general. Life isnt meant to be this hard? I look up...and think...yep...I can see why some end it in that moment 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Forum. Life has certainly handed you a hard time and I think you did good by coming here -there are others whose relationships are similar to yours (if you look around.

It is not back and white -stay and be treated badly or take your life - but a starting point to improve matters, with or wihtout him.

From what you say you are being treated as of no importance by your husband, the  person who is supposed to care for you. Sadly it looks like he only cares for himself. Even asking you if you were OK he did not stay for an answer, a win win from his point of view, he was "considerate" and asked, and as he did not hear a negative answer all was well in his mind.

Really hart-breaking, frustrating, making one angry and sad for you and I admire the way you have put up with it.

Life is not meant to be that hard, I for example have a partner of many years and we love and look after each other, I'm blessed.

There are plenty of other possibilities other than 'ending it', though I guess you may want to take it in stages.  Perhaps the first move might be counceling, either just for yourself, or if possible both of you. I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) who if they do not have an office near you might suggest one that is.

If nothing else it may help you to see more about the situation you are in, being treated badly all the time can really erode self confidence and counseling can allow you to see more possibilities.

May I ask are you trying to deal with this in isolation? A very hard thing to do, or is there anyone to give you support, a family member or a friend perhaps? Talking frankly to someone who cares can make a lot of difference.

This is not a problem with a quick fix, but can be overcome. Anytime you would like to talk here you would be very welcome

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at an incredibly challenging time in your life and your marriage. I feel for you so much❤️.

Waking up (becoming more conscious) in a relationship can be incredibly challenging. Not only can it involve mental challenge, it can also be emotional, soulful and physical while doing our nervous system no favours. Having gradually woken up in my own marriage of more than a couple of decades, it's triggered a lot of questions. To name a few

• how did I not see that, given it's been happening for years?
• how did I not recognise it as stressful or depressing at times? No wonder I felt stressed or down at times
• how do I manage what I'm now conscious of?

Beyond the questioning I discovered the facts, some of which you may be able to relate to

• My husband does not like to feel certain emotions, he therefor uses strategies to avoid feeling them
• My husband does not feel the need to question and evolve through certain challenges like I do
• He does not like to question his emotions, gain greater insight
• Through lack of interest and practice, he does not have the skills, the ability or the experience when it comes to how to gain greater insight in some cases

and the list goes on. 

I think it pays to work out what kind of partner we're dealing with, to start with. Are they someone who struggles with managing feeling certain emotional challenges or are they someone who's just plain arrogant, who believes 'There's nothing wrong with me, it's you that has the problem'? Are they someone who struggles with an already sensitive nervous system or are they someone who's proud of being emotionally shut down, with the belief 'This is what makes me tough and not one of those weak overly emotional people'? Do they avoid certain emotions as a way of managing their mental health?

I'd say one of the hardest things to wake up to is the realisation that our partner just doesn't want to feel what doesn't suit them. The questions then becomes 'Does that then mean I remain the one and only person in the relationship that is left to feel the significant challenges that come up? Does that mean I have to manage this particular one on my own?'. If 'Yes' is the answer, I've found this can generate a lot of mixed emotions such as sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment, frustration etc. Amongst all that, an uplifting revelation can be 'No wonder I've become so good at feeling so much and no wonder I've become such a brilliant manager/problem solver over time. I've developed out of having had no choice'. 

I say this as a matter of fact: My husband is typically not my 'go to' person for emotional challenges. I have other people for that, who are truly brilliant. They're the kind of people who can lead me to see the way forward (through my imagination), lead me to better understand what it is I'm feeling and they're the kind of people who'll wonder with me so that I'm not left wondering alone (as to why I'm struggling). I go to my husband for just about anything other than emotional challenges. Before a lot of my revelations and before adopting this management strategy, I found the more emotional challenges to be deeply depressing at times and incredibly lonely to deal with. I can relate to how you're feeling some of what you're facing. As a gal who's a real feeler, I'd say one of the most liberating things that's come to mind for me is 'If you are going to appoint your partner the role of 'He who I go to for co-managing certain emotional challenges' and he regularly dis-appoints himself from that role, you are going to feel the disappointment. If it happens regularly, you'll feel disappointment on a regular basis'. I think that came from my inner sage😁.