Dear Kally jo~
I can certainly see what you mean, After that length of time and with many horrible experiences having a great deal of anxiety would be no surprise.
I guess what can happen depends upon what you would like to happen. Do you wish for a decent relationship wiht your father or to sever contact? Actually this is a harder question than it looks, I had enforced separation from my parents and always had mixed emotions though those wishing for me to keep away were -in my case -stronger.
If you did want some sort of contact do you think a letter might be a start? There is no need for face to face and you can take your time, setting out what is wrong and what you'd need.
If you get a sensible one back, well you never know. If you do not then perhaps you might decide to take things no further.
Is there anyone you trust you could discuss the matter with? Sometimes that can help, not only with an outside perspective, but so that you are not feeling you have to go it all alone.
I've read your last reply and there is 3 or 4 things that I disagree about or want to make comment on purely and only for your benefit.
1/ Writing is good
2/ Telling a parent they are immature will press their buttons and you cant expect a positive response nor create any worthwhile relationship with your dad by doing so. Do you expect he will work on his maturity by telling him that? Nope! Doesnt work. Better to make your judgements alone or not in his presence. Some people by the way never grow up but thats the way they are. I think admiring him for what good bits is wise and ignoring the negatives is better and a lesson in many areas of life.
3/ "....he thinks it was my mother telling me to say that to him and often responds with gaslighting making me look like the bad person." With lack of communication between you and your dad he likely has to guess why he isnt as close to you as he would like. These feelings I've also had with my daughter who is close to her mother and both demonises me. A few comments she made were identical to what her mother has said to me over the years. Coincidental? Well its hard because we all try to make sense of things and when they dont there is sometimes the obvious influencer lurking and thats all your dad has to go on. The only and best way to prove to him you are your own person with your own mind is to generate a better relationship and that takes courage.
4/ "My brother tried telling me that it would be healthy for me to cut ties with him". Leave other peoples relationships to them, this is your father and only the two of you should work it out. Talk about it and use all conversations as knowledge and ideas but make up your own mind. Same with his decisions for him to make.
5/ "because face to face or calling would make me anxious" Nobody would not find it an anxious moment or two. It is always that case. But sometimes as adults we should face our challenges, besides, its only for the first 2-3 minutes, once the pleasantries have taken place you both will relax, then ask him questions - everyone loves questions.
6/ " I have also spoken to friends who are in a similar situation and they’ve told me". There is no "similar situation". People are unique and so different that you cannot and should not compare. Friends can be your worse enemies. Sorry to be blunt but I dont think they are helping.
7/ "they just want to be nosey and snoop on what’s going on in your life" Highly unlikely.
What do you think?