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Father issues

Kally_jo
Community Member
My father has not spoken to me for 5 years. I tried to question him why he didn’t want to see me and he rejected me saying that he couldn’t change the way I think. It was a repetitive circle of him saying that he wanted to see me and then he wouldn’t show up when I tried to arrange a time to see him. So I gave up on trying to see him because I’m not going to allow myself to get hurt emotionally by him. He had never been there for my birthday but I had my birthday last weekend and I did not expect to hear from him on my birthday but he was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I was happy to hear from him but I am still in shock and confused
14 Replies 14

Kally_jo
Community Member
The reason why I fear him seeing face to face is because I haven’t seen him for five years and it would be overwhelming my mind would be going through a lot of anxious thoughts because of the unhealthy relationship with my dad.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kally jo~

I can certainly see what you mean, After that length of time and with many horrible experiences having a great deal of anxiety would be no surprise.

I guess what can happen depends upon what you would like to happen. Do you wish for a decent relationship wiht your father or to sever contact? Actually this is a harder question than it looks, I had enforced separation from my parents and always had mixed emotions though those wishing for me to keep away were -in my case -stronger.

If you did want some sort of contact do you think a letter might be a start? There is no need for face to face and you can take your time, setting out what is wrong and what you'd need.

If you get a sensible one back, well you never know. If you do not then perhaps you might decide to take things no further.

Is there anyone you trust you could discuss the matter with? Sometimes that can help, not only with an outside perspective, but so that you are not feeling you have to go it all alone.

Croix

Kally_jo
Community Member
My therapist recommended writing a letter and she said it can be a letter without sending it because I was comfortable not sending it because there have been times when I tried telling him that I didn’t like him being immature and he thinks it was my mother telling me to say that to him and often responds with gaslighting making me look like the bad person. My brother tried telling me that it would be healthy for me to cut ties with him but because he is my father that’s a difficult thing to do so I’ve decided to only keep in contact with him by texting because face to face or calling would make me anxious. I have also spoken to friends who are in a similar situation and they’ve told me to be cautious when an immature parent asks you to be back into their lives because sometimes they just want to be nosey and snoop on what’s going on in your life.

Hi again,

I've read your last reply and there is 3 or 4 things that I disagree about or want to make comment on purely and only for your benefit.

1/ Writing is good

2/ Telling a parent they are immature will press their buttons and you cant expect a positive response nor create any worthwhile relationship with your dad by doing so. Do you expect he will work on his maturity by telling him that? Nope! Doesnt work. Better to make your judgements alone or not in his presence. Some people by the way never grow up but thats the way they are. I think admiring him for what good bits is wise and ignoring the negatives is better and a lesson in many areas of life.

3/ "....he thinks it was my mother telling me to say that to him and often responds with gaslighting making me look like the bad person." With lack of communication between you and your dad he likely has to guess why he isnt as close to you as he would like. These feelings I've also had with my daughter who is close to her mother and both demonises me. A few comments she made were identical to what her mother has said to me over the years. Coincidental? Well its hard because we all try to make sense of things and when they dont there is sometimes the obvious influencer lurking and thats all your dad has to go on. The only and best way to prove to him you are your own person with your own mind is to generate a better relationship and that takes courage.

4/ "My brother tried telling me that it would be healthy for me to cut ties with him". Leave other peoples relationships to them, this is your father and only the two of you should work it out. Talk about it and use all conversations as knowledge and ideas but make up your own mind. Same with his decisions for him to make.

5/ "because face to face or calling would make me anxious" Nobody would not find it an anxious moment or two. It is always that case. But sometimes as adults we should face our challenges, besides, its only for the first 2-3 minutes, once the pleasantries have taken place you both will relax, then ask him questions - everyone loves questions.

6/ " I have also spoken to friends who are in a similar situation and they’ve told me". There is no "similar situation". People are unique and so different that you cannot and should not compare. Friends can be your worse enemies. Sorry to be blunt but I dont think they are helping.

7/ "they just want to be nosey and snoop on what’s going on in your life" Highly unlikely.

What do you think?

TonyWK

Ric65
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Kally Jo,

Do you think that dad is having difficulties of his own to let go maybe? Will it be okay just to accept and enjoy the moments when he does talk to you? Maybe change the thinking strategy?

What do you think?

Ric65