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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Flipside My husbands emotional affair -feeling lost on what to do!!
  • replies: 2

I apologise if this seems to be a novel, but I want to be completely thorough on my situations. The catalyst was an unplanned pregnancy. We had two children who were 6 and 9. We thought our family was complete. I thoroughly thought through both optio... View more

I apologise if this seems to be a novel, but I want to be completely thorough on my situations. The catalyst was an unplanned pregnancy. We had two children who were 6 and 9. We thought our family was complete. I thoroughly thought through both options, but with hubby being self employed and I was already feeling invisible due to a very busy life. I honestly told him that I was scared to terminate as if he couldn't give me emotional support I would need, I feared resentment would creep into our marriage. Never had another conversation about this, no matter how hard I tried. He refused to talk about it. Fast forward, beautiful baby girl, sibling ecstatic. Hubby not so. I did everything for baby. Hubby would go days without touching her. I booked him a doctors appointment thinking it was PND and told him I didn't have the tools to help him and to get a mental health plan to get back on track. He cancelled appointment. Baby 12 weeks old. Hubby has best mates 40th on house boat. Never ever had trust issues, so I stayed at home with kids. There he met 'the bird', also married, best friends wife BFF and a jeweller designer for engagement/wedding rings. After this hubby started becoming very removed, then covid hit. I found a birthday card in his car lockdown August 2020. He came up with the wildest lies. I didn't buy it. After using my forensics background I did a handwriting comparison to get my truth. More lies. They were just friends trying to help mend their BF's marriage which had since broken down. Still I didn't buy it. The hardest thing for me was, up until this point, hubby had one of the strongest moral codes that I have ever seen in a person. December 2020 hubby was unbearably moody and a functioning alcoholic. I asked him point blank if there was another woman. More lies. 3 weeks before my 40th he told me he didn't love me the way he should. I proactively booked us in for marriage counselling the following Jan. After a few joint/single sessions in March I found his declaration of love in a valentines poem he wrote to her in his Icloud. My world turned upside down. Gutted, betrayed, hurt and lonely. I know he is sorry and hates what he did. In his way he wants to fix it, but for me there had been no transparency. Only his word. I have access to nothing. Ive asked for copies of phone bills. Still waiting. To the outside world I am a strong, level headed, confident, happy woman. On the inside I am a shell who is struggling to come to terms with my life!

littleboo Healthy relationship after experiencing domestic violence
  • replies: 2

I finally left a domestic violence relationship after years of trying to escape, which almost cost me my life. i ended up in hospital in the psych ward and met a really nice guy there that is understanding, considerate, caring and all the things i am... View more

I finally left a domestic violence relationship after years of trying to escape, which almost cost me my life. i ended up in hospital in the psych ward and met a really nice guy there that is understanding, considerate, caring and all the things i am not used to. he is so amazing and we are good for each other but i am struggling with this new type of relationship as i am so used to the turbulent ways of my exes, its almost like i am struggling to stay interested and fighting urges to self sabotage. i really like this guy and i know its is healthy and what i deserve but i my feelings of low self worth are still prevalent and its hard to let myself be loved the way i deserve. has anyone had a similar experience?

OpinionsNeeded Wife/mother struggling with everything and concealing diagnosed condition
  • replies: 4

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, whi... View more

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, which is one of great kindness, empathy and grace. Now she seeks conflict at every turn, especially with me, but also with our three-year-old daughter. It was only when I raised the possibility of contacting child protection that my wife dialled down the screaming at her, and while it still occasionally surfaces, it is far less sustained than it was in the past. I have put it to her that she may be facing mental health issues but she has been resistant to that and turns it back on me. I have spoken to a range of counsellors and doctors describing her behaviour, and they agree she meets the criteria for mental health problems but naturally can’t diagnose without seeing her themselves. Meanwhile my wife acts insulted and outraged each time I suggest we tackle this together, even suggesting I am trying to undermine her social standing (she is originally Chinese and subscribes strongly to the notion of ‘saving face’, which I feel potentially adds an extra layer of complexity). Her memory is often distorted, forgetting things that happened or were told her, or recalling things that never transpired (either that or my own memory is faulty). She is disengaged from life, although she does enjoy lovely moments with our child when things are calmer. At my wife’s behest we are not a family as I’m excluded from almost everything - we’re not even permitted to take family meals because I would be a ‘distraction’. I care for our daughter until 12pm daily and she knows something is wrong and says her mother’s anger makes her ‘tired’. This concerns me a lot. Recently I felt that after 2.5 years of this I was justified in looking at her emails to try to gain some insight. It turned out the top email was to a counsellor, discussing ‘darker thoughts than ever’, a ‘chaotic mind’ and ‘mental vacuum’. She expressed despair at the state of the world, the CCP, Covid and her family’s future in CN. She also said she was on an increased dose of an antidepressant called Lexapro. I don’t know how long she has been taking medication. Either way she has evidently been diagnosed with a condition that she is not revealing to me. I understand it’s beyond my wife’s control, but I must admit I’m running out of ideas if she won’t let me help her.

nib Hurt.
  • replies: 6

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my di... View more

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my diet and exercise. I decided to visit back in May some time with the assumption that my father made for me to ponder over, that she wanted me to reconcile with her. I rang the doorbell to find that she was not impressed to see me at all. I thought that maybe visiting her and trying to talk with her about the fact that she called me overweight had affected me negatively, but instead she deflected the situation onto me and played the victim, which is typical behaviour from her. Her claim is that I am abusive to her although when I confronted her about that she was unable to provide any evidence of me behaving in such a way. I also just wanted an apology for her calling me overweight and for the fact that she abused me over the phone at the beginning of last year. I got cross with her after she dismissed my feelings because I was hurt by how condescending she was towards me. She told either my mother or father that if we attend her house again she will put restraining orders against my mother and I, even though the pair of us have done nothing wrong and nothing to her. My grandmother has also threatened to get a Maori woman in out family to beat up my mum and I. I decided to call SAPOL against my mother's will at this point and the lady I spoke to was friendly and put in a report and recommended that I seek advice from a police officer at a police station. Her daughter, who is my aunt, as well as a cousin of mine, blocked my mother and I on Facebook out of sheer pettiness. Pathetic, really. My grandmother, who I should mention is a SOCIAL WORKER has previously been verbally and physically abusive to me. I recall being on a holiday with her and she belted me repeatedly because I was experiencing separation anxiety.

F_55 Can’t forgive myself for betraying my ex
  • replies: 3

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad abou... View more

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad about it because it was all my fault. It’s also why it’s hard to come here and ask for help, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I cheated on my ex by sexting another. Years before that I even went to pay for sex, I didn’t do it but I hate myself for it. I even told people I had so they could hate me as much as I hated myself. I lied about little things, I lied about big things. I disrespected her and took her for granted. I lost her trust and respect. I was supposed to look after her. The thought of having made her feel worthless and alone physically makes me feel ill. I have issues. Anxiety, depression, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, but I’m not comfortable talking about it. No one knows, I never even told my ex. I only just have the courage to admit it here because I need help. I’m not blaming any of it for my actions, plenty of people have those issues and not cheat. I’m still just trying to figure out how I could hurt this person so much and who I am. I cry & drink myself to sleep almost every night. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain. I’m not okay, I have intrusive thoughts, I don’t sleep, I have near constant anxiety and I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. For the pain I put her through. I keep punishing myself, I feel worthless and the disgust, self loathing and guilt that comes with that knowledge is overwhelming. She started seeing someone else and I’m truely happy for her, she’s moved.. But it’s hard for me knowing someone else is making her happy, which is what I should have been doing. Instead I made her cry. I legitimately hate myself.

buttercup22 My partner is emotionally numb
  • replies: 4

My partner of 2 years has been distant lately (he works away, 1 week on, one off), we don't live together, and he has a high pressure job which means that he is working on his break sometimes. I confronted him a few days ago about being distant and h... View more

My partner of 2 years has been distant lately (he works away, 1 week on, one off), we don't live together, and he has a high pressure job which means that he is working on his break sometimes. I confronted him a few days ago about being distant and how it's unfair to me that he can't even tell me he loves me and that everything is okay when im anxious (I have long term anxiety which I manage) It makes me feel super alone and sad. He told me he feels numb and he can't feel anything at all. That he has fallen out of love with me and he doesn't know why. My whole world has come crashing down - how can i be with someone who doesnt love me? Ive been reading up on it and i think hes depressed. He has no idea what hes feeling and why. Has anyone else felt like this? Or has anyone had a partner who is like this? What can I do, and can we get over this?

whichwayhome Living with ignorance and conflict
  • replies: 4

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and ta... View more

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and takes it out on me. I've grown relatively used to it at this point. My dad had heart surgery and unfortunately suffered a stroke as a consequence. This past year has been devoted to helping him get better, and I absolutely place his health paramount over mine in this scenario. But I really did think my mum would be more sympathetic to my own issues after everything that happened. I guess that wasn't the case because she seems to ignore my boundaries I have set in the case of conflict. I struggle in understanding others' emotions and need them to be verbally expressed. I've communicated this to my mum but it seems she forgets in her outbursts. I've been called a couple derogatory names when this happens, and she expects me to know everything she feels, when it's already hard enough for me to even decipher how someone feels. However, the worst part of it is she's never apologised to me, when I've asked her if she could she either ignores me or gets mad again. I apologise to her whenever I accidentally go back to my blunt tone (it comes off as standoffish, so I've made an effort to give my voice a happy tone consistently) and other minor things. However, never once in my life have I received an apology for various names, which I won't repeat. This was the same until a few weeks ago, where I refused to back down until she agreed to give me the same respect she demands from me and apologise for ignoring everything I say and never accepting when she's wrong. My dad told me later that's the first time he's ever heard her apologise to anyone. Unfortunately, this was short lived as soon enough, she had a few glasses of wine and started yelling at me for forgetting to shut the door. Back and forth, as always. But this time, I finally was able to express emotions properly. I broke down crying, and had a panic attack. My chest felt so full while I sobbed. It was terrible, I felt like I was drowning in myself. This was the first time in my life I've felt genuine sympathy from my mum. I've been holding onto this for a while now. Is it just an off chance of sympathy and will everything go back to walking on egg shells or will she stop blaming me for every minor thing? Thanks for reading to some girl's ramblings. Just a vent.

John117 Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?
  • replies: 17

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury ... View more

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury and the loss of her job. I didn’t earn much money at the time but it was just enough for us to live comfortably. She started taking pain meds and antidepressants, but soon needed psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and other therapies and meds. Her mood began to drop lower with the good days becoming fewer. The costs started rising and I fell into debt. I worked harder, longer hours which luckily led to promotions, still with the extra money we were only just getting by. Trying to pay for the extra medical bills and debt while paying for everything else was just killing me. I had nothing to show for my hard work but kept pushing on knowing it was all for my wife. Things kept getting worse, we stopped being intimate because of her low self esteem. She became too anxious to leave the house. We missed family events and outings with friends. I couldn't go out by myself very often because of the distress it would cause her. I now have very few friends because of this. I work 9-10 hour days, 11 days a fortnight, do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I was always fine with all of this because I know its not her fault. I know she suffers a hell everyday that I could never imagine. It kills me inside to see her in so much pain and distress. I really thought I was managing ok and felt strong until I had this moment of realisation. I went out for a night in the city with a some friends and met this really nice and very attractive girl. She was all over me most of the night but I refrained from anything other that chatting. She stuffed her number into my pocket when we left but I didn't keep it. Believe it or not, I met the same girl the next weekend and she was still lusting after me and made me feel amazing. This was when the moment of realisation came, I had truly forgotten what it felt like to be wanted, needed or loved, like I had been numb all these years. I didn't do anything with this girl but she made me realise and feel a lot of things. Im certainly not happy and miss the feeling of love and companionship. I don't want to miss out on life and can see it slipping away but i'm afraid of what would happen to my wife if I left her. I feel truly stuck. Can it get better? Any advise would be appreciated.

Lachannie Broken-hearted Mum
  • replies: 17

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts w... View more

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.

Brokengrl To wait or let go
  • replies: 4

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relations... View more

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relationship we did have was doomed. He generally coped well with my anxiety and rolled with it. he was always open and honest with me. I never caught him in a lie. We had a real connection. He said I was the only person who knew him best. Tuesday night. I had some anxiety and said a few things I shouldn’t have. Wednesday he didn’t speak to me, except to say he needed space because he can’t deal with anything complicated right now. I haven’t heard from him since. We went from talking every single day. To absolute silence. my support network are telling me I should be patient and just give him space and wait and see what happens. I think I should accept it is over and I will not hear from him again. I feel like I should grieve and move on. what are peoples thoughts?

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