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Feeling devastated

Morning_sunshine
Community Member
I finally met a man I feel I can be completely myself around, who is caring, loving and thoughtful. He mentioned to me after five months of being together that he wanted a pre nuptial agreement before we moved in together. I was very hurt and felt insulted by this request. He has a lot of debt from his last relationship and wanted to protect himself. I worked on this idea for five months and finally came around. When I saw the document, it was very one sided and this was confirmed by the lawyer I saw. My lawyer proposed some changes and my partner has recently indicated he will not budge. I have told my partner I am open to further negotiations; however, now it looks like he is shutting down on the relationship. I feel so confused and hurt and I can’t quite understand how he is not willing to negotiate any further. I feel like I’ve done so much work to get to this place of accepting a prenuptial and now that I have accepted and requested something that is a little more fair to me, he appears to have given up on us. He says I am the best girlfriend he has ever had and we bring each other so much happiness. I am really struggling to understand how we got to where we are. Am wondering if maybe I wasn’t understanding enough of his position? Am feeling so anxious and in shock as to where we are right now...
8 Replies 8

Matchy69
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Morning sunshine O am wondering if your partner has been badly hurt in the past and lost a lot of his financial gain he had made in his life I think he might be scared of it happening again.I am sorry this is really hurting you.I can understand both sides.Maby talk to him why he wants this prenuptial agreement What has has happen to want it that way in the past.
Take care,
Mark.

Hi, welcome

My concern is, is he going to be non negotiable on other topics in the future?

At this point in time perhaps take some time apart to reconsider. Yes he otherwise seems perfect but it only takes one element of difference that can derail the whole relationship.

I suggest his stubbornness is that difference. Whether it is his past scars that is to blame or not, you are not rejecting the prenuptial totally, you simply want it amended.

That is not unreasonable and that seems to be what he lacks on this topic- reason.

Be content that this issue has been highlighted now and not a few years down the track.

TonyWK

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Morning sunshine,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so devastated by this. Prenups can be a really tricky thing to talk about, and can come as a shock if you've not really considered it necessary.

It's good that you came around to the idea, but still wanted to make sure you both are protected. At the end of the day, if one is in place, it's only fair that the agreement protects you both equally.

From what you mention, there are a few reasons from his past which could explain how fixed he is on his position. None of which mean he's right, but perhaps which give some insight into his reasoning which it sounds like he's not really explained clearly to you. Still, it is quite common that being hurt in the past can make people's behaviour seem very confusing and outright contradictory - he can be the most thoughtful and caring in every way, but if it comes to the question of money and shared finances, he could seem like a completely different person.

I think you've hit the nail on the head in terms of potentially looking to get a better understanding of where he's coming from. That can often help get past people's anxieties, and I hope he is willing to talk more. Let us know how you go, when you feel up to it.

James

Jess1114
Community Member

What a tough position you're in, it's understandably a hurtful and confusing situation.

How do you both feel about couples counselling? It sounds like you are both so happy with the relationship and want things to work, so I would suggest that you put the idea forward if you haven't already.

My husband and I have had couples counselling, and are currently seeing someone again. The biggest lesson I have learnt so far is that we each bring pain and insecurities and anxieties from our past with us into our relationships. It might help you each recognise these issues and realise that they're from the past and not the current. Then you might be able to discuss with your partner that you are not what has hurt him in the past, and that you're only wanting fair consideration of the amazing relationship that you share.

Thank you for your responses, everyone.
I suggested a mediator or counselling. My partner continued to shut down and then told me he can’t commit to having a child (which is something we have both committed to together previously). I’m blindsided by this. He says his decision has no relationship to the prenup and our differences of opinion surrounding it. It’s very confusing. But the bottom line is, he has given up on us.
thank you to you all for your thoughtful replies and helpful advice. It means a lot to me.

Hi Morning sunshine having a child is a huge commitment and needs both of you to commit to it.Havong a child can be a very scarey thought and may he is scared.Their is a financial responsibility that he might be worried about.It is really a tough position for you and you are going to have to make some hard decisions yourself.
Take care,
Mark

Hi Matchy69, yes, I think he is very scared. And has a lot of fear about another long-term relationship and fears around another separation. I guess I just wanted him to be open to seeing a counsellor together so we could try and resolve those fears; however, he has ended things and it seems his fears have got the better of him. Still trying to deal with my new reality of not being with him and his son every day. I miss them both terribly and just can’t understand how he could give up on us so quickly and suddenly given what we had. I’ll never know all the answers to the questions I have.

As humans we try to "fix" things. If we cannot fix a relationship ending we search for answers. On this forum we even get people assuming it's their ex partners depression that caused their split. We search for reasons.

When there is no logical answer and the other person does not clarify one, it is torturous for us.

However, I have a different more solid view. If that was how my partner for life was going to treat me, then as sad as it is, he/she is not for me. I would want solid commitment with transparency. I would not want a person that places their fears on us from previous baggage.

To stand one's ground is one thing
For the earth does not move
So people have to be flexible
Reasonability one can prove

But if stubbornness in one is chosen
And their arms aren't open and free
It leaves no room to negotiate
No longer room for love to be...

TonyWK