Don't know what to do

[Lw32]

Im really struggling & i need someone to talk too. My husband and I have been together for 13 years & we have 3 kids together. Our relationship has had its ups & downs but the past year has been pretty rocky where I've been noticing a change in his behaviour & actions that come across as him not being as invested in me or our relationship, he says it's not the case but when his actions dont align with what he says I get upset & Im really struggling because he often denies that hes doing anything wrong. Hes got these new connections/friends that he's made through work & has suddenly been frequently going out for drinks with them &  going to events with them & is spending less & less time with me. He doesn't think of me & how lonely I am. He's fine leaving me home alone with the kids all the time & leaves me to do everything on my own & only thinks of me when he wants something like a lift home. I feel like he has this new life that I'm not apart of, and he's only nice to me when he wants something. Like dinner, a back rub or to be taken care of him when he's sick.

I love my husband so much. And i know he loves me too cause when we're good, we're good. He can say all the thing i want to hear ( I love you, i care about you, ill never break up with you) he holds me in his arms to watch something or when we go to bed & i do everything i can for him to show i love him but then when he does something that upsets me & makes me question if he cares.. He says he does but then he doesn't really show it.
He sometimes struggles to understand me & my emotions when I'm upset especially if he thinks he's being hard done by. He invalidates my feelings, ignores my feelings and makes me feel worthless & not worth loving which is the opposite of how I need to be supported & I have expressed this to him many times but when he is annoyed he is a different person. He can be so cold, heartless and stubborn towards me & I need him to show he cares about me so bad.

Last Friday, he finished work early to go drinking again, a time when we had plans to talk about us. I desperately needed him to come home & want to repair our relationship from a previous fight.
Instead he went drinking with the boys, lied to me that he'd be out of there by 4:30pm. Purposefully rejected my calls & msgs at 6:50pm. Got blind drunk & got his cousin to msg me to pick them up at 11pm.
It feels like he's always choosing to do the thing that he knows will hurt me because he doesn't care about me & only thinks about what he wants in the moment.
The next day he was apologetic asking me to forgive him but I was so angry & hurt,  I couldn't just say ok & get over it...
He thinks I should just accept & get over things straight away but the feeling of hurt doesn't just go away instantly.

A day later & he's now turning things around on me saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with me because he says im always upset. Like I'm the problem. He says it's getting harder to love me. Even though when he was apologising the day prior he was saying he loves me & doesn't want to lose me & that it would hurt him if I decided to leave.
I feel like it's not fair. He's done & said so many hurtful things lately &  though leaving has entered my mind out of hopelessness, me wanting to be with him has never changed. And I've never said something that would make him question if I love him or want to be with him. Because there is no question.

Him, this marriage & our family mean everything to me.

I dont feel like me getting upset at the feeling of getting less of him, makes me the problem, especially not one worth being broken up with... It hurts that he's blaming me. 
I'm dying inside because my security in this relationship has been taken away unfairly. Im finding myself putting my feelings & the support i need aside begging him not to do this, to not mean the thing's he's saying & he says he's just so tired & frustrated but that he hasn't fully said he's ready to walk.
I don't know what to do. I'm crying & hes giving me indifference, I can't sleep & unable to eat, i can't turn my head off. I'm feeling so depressed & so alone & it makes it worse that he's just ok with it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lw32,
 
Thank you for sharing your experience. We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time. It can feel incredibly overwhelming when a long relationship is suddenly leaving you feeling upset, invalidated and hurt. We’re glad you could share this here. We hope that other Forums members can chime in with their amazing peer support, too.
 
In the meantime, if you want to talk things through please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat.
 
Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. We hope you can be as kind to yourself during this difficult time as you have been in opening up and sharing with the community here today. 
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M 

[Sialani]

I am so sorry to hear you have been struggling like this. Please know I am here to listen and give advice if needed or just someone to talk to and help you get through this difficult time in your life. I personally can understand how angry, sad, frustrated and overwhelmed you must be feeling of the lies, the suffering and the unstableness which then gets turned onto you and making you feel you are the problem or your emotions and feelings are valid. Please know they are and you are completely entitled to your feelings and emotions .  You are allowed to feel this way when someone isn’t taking accountability for their behaviour and actions. Saying one thing and then another, misunderstanding or down playing your feelings or efforts as a mother and a wife isn’t okay, especially when you love someone so much and they change or start living a life you wonder what and why they are doing this or how they got to this point in your lives and his own. Did something cause his behaviour or need to think it was okay to not acknowledge you or your feelings ? Did he or you go through something that could have made him think it’s okay to treat you this way or act out with his friends like this every weekend or night when he feels like it. I think a mature and serious conversation with a lot of questions should be asked moving forward to help better understand each other and why and how you both got to the point you are at now and if things can change or not. You are worth and valid and deserve to be happy.

[Lw32]

Thank you for your kind message & for validating my feelings. I know that I deserve to be treated with love & empathy and I'm not asking for too much in my relationship.

I think it fustrates him because he feels hes getting in trouble all the time & he takes it as me saying he's a bad person, which ive told him im not. I just want him to care about me like he used too.
When we argue he sees things as, if he doesn't think something is worth getting upset over than he struggles to see why I should either. Or because he doesn't cry i also shouldn't cry.
He also doesn't see the bigger picture behind me ever getting upset. I can be as clear with my words as possible but he'll still see it as something trivial like being mad that he went to the pub.
When really my focus is on us & valuing our time together & wanting to be valued & to feel wanted. And to know I can trust him.
I just really want to be able work things out & I dont know what I'll do if we don't.
This morning he's reassured me that he loves me & has promised to have a talk tonight to sort through things & I desperately hope it all goes well.
My only fear is that he'll push for what he says needs to change & not care about what i need to feel loved and because i dont want to lose him I'll end up pushing those needs to the side.
Then when he does something again I'll struggle to keep in my feelings & he might threaten to leave again and I hate not having that emotional security in my relationship.

[Sialani]

I’m so sorry you have to go through this and these emotions it is not easy and I can only imagine how you are feeling, especially if you are very well aware and emotionally overwhelmed when knowing he thinks your having a go at him when expressing your emotions and feelings. The hardest thing to expect is that no matter how hard we try to make things better or work out , we can not control the other persons emotions, wants , needs, understandings and how they choose to act and react. The only thing we can do is be strong and firm and very direct in the way we feel so there is no miscommunications or misunderstandings. You are doing so well by speaking your truth and only you can control you, you deserve to be valid and seen and understood in your wants and needs also. Only you will be able to know if he is genuinely interested and concerned and willing to change or see your point of view also. I really hope everything has gone okay for you.

[therising]

Hi Lw32

My heart goes out to you as you begin to question the course of your relationship and also what you really feel you deserve, as opposed to what you find yourself facing. Can be such a seriously challenging time in a relationship, especially when there are so many mixed emotions involved (anger, sadness, love, disappointment, resentment, longing etc).

Having been married for 21 years, I've found the more questions that begin to pop up the more questionable the relationship is becoming. While in the earlier years, I tended to question myself more than the marriage, I've come to learn over time that the quest for a happy and healthy relationship requires the relationship to be questioned by the 2 people who share it. It shouldn't be up to just one person to fix what's going wrong with the relationship. When one partner doesn't want to question or doesn't see a problem, that in itself is a problem.

I often used to think I was being too unreasonable, too challenging, too confrontational, too emotional etc. I spent years beating myself up while going through periods of depression, questioning why I couldn't be more 'easy going'. Then, one day, I woke up to the fact I'd been spending time on my own finding reasons for a failing marriage, time on my own making sense of the challenges, time on my own confronting myself and how I simply had to work harder at my marriage and time on my own figuring out how to suppress my feelings. It's all lonely stuff, trying to figure the relationship out on our own. Then I thought 'Hang on a second, he's happier only when he's not feeling challenged, only when I'm being accommodating, only when things are typically going his way. He's only happy when we're happy'. Then I thought 'What the hell?! How is that fair and how is that a healthy relationship? What's wrong with him, thinking this way? Is this man insane?'.

I think another eye opener came when my daughter mentioned 'love languages'. It's said that people express love differently. While one person's language may be 'physical touch' (hugging and kissing and saying 'I love you'), another person's may involve 'acts of service'. Personally, I'm an 'acts of service' gal, whereas my husband's a physical touch kind of person. Problem with this and I'm not sure whether you can relate but you can be serving in so many loving ways (giving so much of yourself) to the point where your partner expects that, with the only thing in return being hugs and kisses along with proclamations of love. And there's no reason as to why you shouldn't be happy with that. Hmmm. No way baby! I say if someone's gonna love me they better act like they do. They have to be able to raise me in ways that lead me to feel joy, raise me in ways that help bring out the best in me, raise me to feel life run through me on occasion. That, my friend, is love. That is how I truly love people in my life. And that is what you deserve. What you don't deserve is to be called at some seriously late hour because it's more convenient to call you when he's drunk than it is to call and Uber. You care for 3 kids and deserve a good night's sleep in return.

[Lw32]

I appreciate your messages of understanding, validation & support. It's hard to describe the pain I'm feeling. It's truly an immeasurable feeling but writing & reading your messages has helped.
My situation has not improved. I'm incredibly confused, depressed & feeling hopeless. My heart is honestly breaking & I don't know what more to do. I don't want this for me. I don't want this for my children. I really want to keep our family together.

Update prt 1
The week of my last post my husband & i wound up talking & agreed that we both want to make things better. We started to act like things were OK. We were talking about normal things. Occasionally talked about us & was reassuring each other that we love each other. We were being affectionate & comforting each other in bed. We were also having sex.
There was one morning i senced he was being distant so I started feeling scared that i wanted this more than he did but he told me he wanted this & i had nothing to worry about. And that when we get the chance to sit down to talk properly I'll feel better about things. Which helped make me feel better.

Then friday he stayed home sick and we were laying in bed together. He switched.  He started saying he doesn't want to fix things. That he's checked out. He needs time to be on his own & to be him. That he'll always love me but not like he used to to want to fix things. I ofcourse am begging him not to do this. Questioning with confusion as to why he was all week telling me that he loves me & promising me that he wants to make things better or that I had nothing to worry about. Or why he had sex with me all week. He just says he shouldn't have.

I told him that I know he loves me & we're worth more than this to just throw us away like this. We can fix this.
He's blaming me for everything. Saying I've caused him great stress & have made his head go into a really bad place. And in my despair ofcourse I'm taking on that blame & begging him to give me another chance. That I'll handle things better. That he just needs time to himself & I'll give him that time.
He asked what time to himself looks like & I told him if you go stay at your mums I'll leave you alone. I won't message you or call you unless you message or call me first. Ill give you your space. I just really want to see you for your birthday & I'm sure the kids would too. Which is in 11 days. He wound up agreeing to the time to himself. And then soon after wound up holding me in his arms. He wound up thanking me for being understanding & that he just needs to sort his head out. He then started kissing me, which led to other stuff. We then layed for a little while longer before i had to go to the shops but then when i got back he was being cold again towards me & left to go to his mums but said he'll be back & he did around 7:30pm.
He didn't seem happy but I didn't know if it was because of us or about him being sick but again he layed down with me, held me, kissed me & then he had sex with me.

[Lw32]

Update part 2

That night he was really unwell (Note: my husband has been sick for the last 8 weeks which started off with covid & now it's just been non stop coughing & chest infections due to his immune system being so low.) He was having chest pains & was struggling to sleep & wound up going downstairs to sleep on the couch & I let him have his space.
I myself haven't been sleeping properly due to everything but when I woke up at 5 I went down to lay with him because i missed him. He held me close & had me rub his chest & we soon went upstairs to lay down properly in bed. He was still having pains & so he held me deep into his chest. He also had me rub him. Pat his back & chest. I did everything I could to take care of him. All day I've done this because i love him.
He's been delirious from a fever saying odd things whilst going in & out of sleep. I've not been trying to push so I just sat next to him incase he needed anything.
This afternoon he finally had enough of laying in bed so he said for both of us to go sit in the backyard. So we did. We sat in the sun & he said "sit in front of me so i can put my arms around you." He then said the words "i can't" & that he won't go to his mums tonight but maybe tomorrow.. blindsided & sad I said please don't do this. Telling him I'll be different. We can be good.
His response was that we could have been good for so long. And he thinks I'm just saying this because I've threatened to leave & i tell him I'm not, I promise. I'm 100% telling him the truth that I want to deal with things differently. Though I did address that I'm not the only one to blame. He says he's not saying I am but that i don't understand how bad things have been. Things is I do because he's stuffed up & done things that have hurt me which was the reasons for me getting upset. But he believes me getting upset at him has caused him greater hurt than the hurt he caused me. Enough to get him to this point to check out. I don't think it's fair but I'm still acknowledging his feelings & promising to change & be different in the way i handle my feelings. He tells me to just leave it, well talk later & he's sorry for ruining a nice moment.
I felt sad but left it.
We later wound up back in the bedroom where he said do you want to finish talking. So I say everything I've been saying again. Trying to fight for our relationship. Hes still saying he can't he's checked out.
At a loss i stop & sit crying. He looks at me & says it's not all you. He's got feelings that make him not want to try.
I point out that he does want this because he's been here. He's been hugging me, kissing me, having sex with me & he said he loves me.
He says he does & that he has those moments  but then he starts thinking about everything and it makes him angry. That looking at me makes him angry. I explain that I know he's frustrated & having negative thoughts & he just needs the time to himself. But we can get through this. Other couples go through much worse than what we're dealing with. He kept saying I don't know & it's just hard. 

Eventually he wound up saying that he'll take the time away. We're not broken up. He'll just try sort out his thoughts. And then he went to sleep on the couch again.

Im scared & confused. I dont know if he means it. Im scared he'll leave & decide 100% that were over. I just don't know what to do. I feel like he's giving up too easily. I really love him 💔

[therising]

Hi Lw32

Now that things have begun to ramp up to this point where heartbreak, confusion and fear have become such enormous factors, perhaps time alone for you to think may lead you to consider what's important for you as a person as you try to see the way forward in your mind.

While it is important to bend and flex in a relationship, as 2 people grow individually and together as a couple, I've found the most soul destroying aspect of a relationship can involve changing so much to the point where you completely lose yourself in the process. I'm not sure how old your kids are but I found when my kids were younger I was doing just about everything I could do to change, so I wouldn't be left raising young kids as a largely single parent (something I watched my sister struggle greatly with). It wasn't until my kids were older that I realised I'd changed so much in a lot of ways to the point where I barely recognised myself. This is something that can become incredibly depressing if we're not entirely conscious of it happening. Now that my kids are 17 and 20, I have given myself the freedom to express my feelings without fear of conflict, the freedom to be myself without fear of accusation and the freedom of looking forward to the future where I am happy to be me and love myself fearlessly. While my husband has always been a basically good man who works hard to financially support his family and has always expressed how much he loves me, he admits to also being a selfish person who does not like change. I've found if one person in the relationship does not like change, it is up to the other to make just about all the changes involved in keeping the relationship together. 

Be careful not to completely lose yourself in the process of changing, in order to make the relationship work ❤️

[Sialani]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all these emotions and feelings. I too understand how and what you are feeling. When you love someone and have been with them so long it is very hard to have people understand you and how you are personally feeling. So many people will be quick to judge or tell you how you should feel or what you should and shouldn't do. It's extremely hard when you know you don't deserve to be treated like this but you still want to fix and save your marriage. Some people are so empathic and emotional to the point even if at times things aren't good for them and others can't see the good it's hard to sleep, eat and stay positive in anything you do and don't do. When you just want to try and have him put in effort it's hard because you can't control him, or his feelings and emotions and I deeply want to say I feel and understand that feeling and I'm so sorry you have to feel that as its not healthy or good at all to feel these emotions. One thing I've personally experienced is trying to do and solve things by yourself isn't at all easy and gives room for one to control the other or for the situation to just completely fall apart day by day you try to fix things especially when someone feels so strongly one way and the other doesn't, its completely heart wrenching. I could sit here and tell you to fight and keep going strong and do what you think is best, but at times our best is sometimes never enough for someone else, and the hard truth is excepting that. All you want is a chance, and things to be okay and when we lose control of the situation its hard. I really hope that everything works out in the most healthy and positive ways as you seem like a true pure soul who loves with all your heart and you deserve happiness and i hope that everything can come together, and maybe professional help would be the best way to make some improvements.