Don't know what to do

[Lw32]

Im really struggling & i need someone to talk too. My husband and I have been together for 13 years & we have 3 kids together. Our relationship has had its ups & downs but the past year has been pretty rocky where I've been noticing a change in his behaviour & actions that come across as him not being as invested in me or our relationship, he says it's not the case but when his actions dont align with what he says I get upset & Im really struggling because he often denies that hes doing anything wrong. Hes got these new connections/friends that he's made through work & has suddenly been frequently going out for drinks with them &  going to events with them & is spending less & less time with me. He doesn't think of me & how lonely I am. He's fine leaving me home alone with the kids all the time & leaves me to do everything on my own & only thinks of me when he wants something like a lift home. I feel like he has this new life that I'm not apart of, and he's only nice to me when he wants something. Like dinner, a back rub or to be taken care of him when he's sick.

I love my husband so much. And i know he loves me too cause when we're good, we're good. He can say all the thing i want to hear ( I love you, i care about you, ill never break up with you) he holds me in his arms to watch something or when we go to bed & i do everything i can for him to show i love him but then when he does something that upsets me & makes me question if he cares.. He says he does but then he doesn't really show it.
He sometimes struggles to understand me & my emotions when I'm upset especially if he thinks he's being hard done by. He invalidates my feelings, ignores my feelings and makes me feel worthless & not worth loving which is the opposite of how I need to be supported & I have expressed this to him many times but when he is annoyed he is a different person. He can be so cold, heartless and stubborn towards me & I need him to show he cares about me so bad.

Last Friday, he finished work early to go drinking again, a time when we had plans to talk about us. I desperately needed him to come home & want to repair our relationship from a previous fight.
Instead he went drinking with the boys, lied to me that he'd be out of there by 4:30pm. Purposefully rejected my calls & msgs at 6:50pm. Got blind drunk & got his cousin to msg me to pick them up at 11pm.
It feels like he's always choosing to do the thing that he knows will hurt me because he doesn't care about me & only thinks about what he wants in the moment.
The next day he was apologetic asking me to forgive him but I was so angry & hurt,  I couldn't just say ok & get over it...
He thinks I should just accept & get over things straight away but the feeling of hurt doesn't just go away instantly.

A day later & he's now turning things around on me saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with me because he says im always upset. Like I'm the problem. He says it's getting harder to love me. Even though when he was apologising the day prior he was saying he loves me & doesn't want to lose me & that it would hurt him if I decided to leave.
I feel like it's not fair. He's done & said so many hurtful things lately &  though leaving has entered my mind out of hopelessness, me wanting to be with him has never changed. And I've never said something that would make him question if I love him or want to be with him. Because there is no question.

Him, this marriage & our family mean everything to me.

I dont feel like me getting upset at the feeling of getting less of him, makes me the problem, especially not one worth being broken up with... It hurts that he's blaming me. 
I'm dying inside because my security in this relationship has been taken away unfairly. Im finding myself putting my feelings & the support i need aside begging him not to do this, to not mean the thing's he's saying & he says he's just so tired & frustrated but that he hasn't fully said he's ready to walk.
I don't know what to do. I'm crying & hes giving me indifference, I can't sleep & unable to eat, i can't turn my head off. I'm feeling so depressed & so alone & it makes it worse that he's just ok with it.

[Lw32]

Update: I realise I have not provided an update so here we go.

I am truely not okay.

Two weeks ago my husband admitted his feelings are with someone else.

After three weeks of making me feel like everything was my fault & being so confused as to why he was so ready to walk he said he finally built up the courage to tell me the full truth.

To make the situation worse it's with someone he used to work with who I expressed concerns over at the time. They recently reconnected & have been talking secretly for months.

He says we're over & that he wants her and He's now saying that he is in love with her.

I am shattered.

I am so incredibly depressed. Not wanting to leave the bed. Still not sleeping or really eating.

I'm having to force myself to get the kids ready in the morning & I'm feeling a slight distance from the kids because im struggling to be okay around them & they see I'm sad but they don't know what to do. It hurts feeling this way but I am so incredibly hurt by what my husbands doing to me. The thought of not being with him & him being with someone else.. i truely can't handle it.

Also, the fear of all the changes that's to come from this.. its too much.

Atm he's still sleeping here. He wants to remain best friends & is trying to support me through my pain because he cares. He says hell always love me but he's starting to get fustrated at me for not being ok with this yet. And its stopping him from fully moving on with her. It's only been two weeks!

I feel he doesn't understand the pain & the betrayal im feeling or even grasp the gravity of the situation.

Who throws away 14 years with someone & rewrite all the memories that we share. To marry & have kids with me & then to be so okay at the thought of not seeing or being with me ever day, to not kiss me every day or to never make love with me again. It kills me thinking I won't get to do that anymore.

I've been asking him to pick me but he says his minds made up. Him not picking me is making me feel so unimportant, so unattractive. Like im less than. Like he thinks she's better.

And lately when we talk & he gets fustrated with me he says really hurtful things about me, about them or about our relationship. And I don't get how he could see me so down, so broken & be ok saying these things knowing its going to send me deeper into the dark place I'm already in.

I love him so much & I can't believe he's doing this to me.

[therising]

Hi Lw32

I wish I was there with you, helping you through what must feel like one of the worst times of your life. I'm wondering whether you have any friends or family who are able to help you through this. You and the kids definitely need support and guidance as you navigate something so life changing and devastating.

About 10 years ago one of my closest friends faced similar circumstances to what you're facing now. I imagine, having gained the benefit of hindsight, she may say to you 'While perhaps feeling impossible to do right now, try to not take things personally. Don't judge yourself as being 'less than' (less than good enough, less than what he deserves, less than valuable etc etc). Do no judge yourself as being worth less. Acknowledge this is all about what makes him happy and he will continue to do what makes him happy. Be prepared for him to be more self serving as he experiences more of what makes him happy'. While my friend was never a fighter, more so a pleaser, over time she began to fight for what made her kids happier under the circumstances and what made her happier. Based on this, her ex labelled her as difficult, argumentative, upsetting and some more not so pleasant words.

Do you think you can begin to think about what would be easier for you and the kids under the circumstances? While it's easier for your husband to continue living with you and the kids as he sets up his new life, is that the best thing for everyone concerned? While it's easier for him to have you be all easygoing about this, is it more helpful to you to have some fury filled vent at him, without the kids around? Would it be somewhat easier for you if (while you deal with a broken heart) for him to do a lot of the work and research it takes for a legal separation to run as smoothly as possible? While my friend's ex was happy getting on with his life, he left her to do a lot of the work in selling the property, formalising child support payments and so on. She was often left to do what didn't interest her ex or make him happy. While your husband is perhaps much happier at this point, it sounds like he's dismissing your overwhelming grief. Your overwhelming and understandable grief doesn't make him happy. You're allowed to give yourself the freedom to express that in some form, such as with 'Does my overwhelming grief interfere with your happiness?!'.

While I imagine it brings your kids pain, to see their mum so upset, is it possible to encourage them to spend more time doing what makes them happy (as a way of helping them through this)? Would spending more time with friends who make them happy be a way of helping them through this transition?

My heart goes out to you Lw32 ❤️