A former supervisor told me once, in response to his boss yelling at him in the office- "you can say something to an employee in a calm quiet tone, if it's the right words used you can have more impact than if you yelled at them. If you yell, they only recall the volume of voice not the message". So right. Yet, some of us have tolerated that yelling from others and it's common- why?
There is several reasons for someone to raise their voice- they are
- frustrated with you
- have narcissistic tendencies
- they have tried soft speech and it doesnt work
- they need to own you
- they have a distorted view of what a parent should be
- developed a dominating attitude
- have a mental health issue
- they need to justify their position
So there is some situations that justify yelling and yelling is a proper response then. But most of the yelling events are not justified and can result in lifelong effects upon a child. Eg
I'd be playing in the corner with my matchbox cars at 11yo. Suddenly "Tony" would be belched out as loud as she could "you haven't made your bed". Looking back had she said quietly "Tony you haven't made your bed 20 cents off your pocket money" that would have hurt far more than the yell. You can imagine 20 years later at a SIL's house she had a dog called "Toby" and Toby liked escaping from the backyard hence "Toby" yelled out at the top of her voice made me jump a metre in the air!.
So today some 50 years since teenage years I'm constantly reminding people when they begin to raise their voice "can you lower your voice please there's no need to raise it". It can even occur when someone gets excited on the topic they are conveying.
Yelling is often associated with seeking dominance. Dominance is a form of bullying. This is not associated with arguing imo two people arguing and both yelling is also natural but one person standing, yelling and the other sitting is a dominating stance. Subtle actions can be intimidating also. I have male a relative that relays his conflicts with other people, he'll pierce his lips, point at me, come real close and "so I said to him get out of here now or I'll... (violent threat)". He was surprised when I stopped him there and calmly told him he trespassed my personal boundary.
Anyone that feels dominated has the right to object to such treatment. Calmly tell them that you will continue the conversation when they are willing to sit down, share a drink and talk like calm adults "in the tone of voice that I'm talking now".
Lead by example.
TonyWK
