Disowning relatives

[white knight]

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism.

Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions.

There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated.

But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things-

• that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.
• that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable world
• that my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringing
• that 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier times

The above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members.

Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. 

Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. 

These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag.

If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop...

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

It sounds like you have made some wise -if difficult - decisions.

My own family and I parted when they disinherited me over my choice of partner. It was only after I'd been away from them and gained perspective I realised how toxic and controlling they had been.

I was indeed better off without them and like in your circumstances my partner did not have to put up wiht all the slurs and unkindness she had been exposed to.

Mention of your mother reminded me. Very many years later she contacted my saying she was very ill. I debated for a while but decided duty did call, and in any case she might be a different person towards the end of her life. (And mybe the horse will sing🙂

Sadly that was not the case, she was just as toxic, attempted emotional blackmail and control, and made snide remarks about my second partner whom she had never met. It simply did not work. I persevered at a minimum level until she passed away, at which point I was relieved and glad.

Sadly sometimes one needs to view family wihtout being influenced by one's built-in emotion to form an accurate judgment, and act accordingly.

Croix

[randomxx]

Thanks for the thread Tony l find the experience and stories of you guys and others so helpful and sure many others would to.

l don't think there's much more tormenting than the emotional manipulation some family can be .

Myself thankfully both mum and dad were incredible examples for us all in my family but for some reason it didn't quite rub of onto some. l often wonder how it turned out like that and did they even see the amazing qualities our parents had.

l have 6 sisters, yep, l don't think l could've ordered much more of a nightmare than that. And a lot of brothers to but although we aren't perfect mostly hassle with the brothers but some of the sisters, ldk. How l'm even dealing with it after being away so long and since still being 3hrs away anyway and at this age, later 50s now , is beyond me.

l can't even imagine why they'd even choose drama and toxic over peace and just happily living their lives instead. l mean what the hell even makes people want even more bs at these kind of ages, isn't life hard enough.? Two are younger than me ones older but 3 of the girls in particular .

l lived interstate a long time but since coming back to Vic lm still 3hrs away from most of them and l did choose it that way.

Unfortunately one of them did move up here and only 20mins away from me. That one, she's been calling me up wkly for 30yrs. l don't even know why l was married through most of that and with my family,  we weren't even close anyway and talking to her was a nightmare anyway, l hated everyone of those damn calls. Well, about two yrs back l couldn't do it any more and told her l didn't want to ph any more.

She has the weirdest personality that one but she does sort of have a good heart so l felt really bad but her calls were just mad.

.

The next one, l've always liked her good side even as kids but she's also a two faced lying snake in the grass to. You can't trust her with anything or tell her anything or turn to her with anything even though she'll offer over and over to be there.

Made that mistake going through my divorce and 10 yrs later she's still throwing it in my face and twisting the whole thing. All that was about her too though her h had just left her but she claims to not even remember the hrs and hrs she spent crying to me about all that. l called her 2yrs ago and the bs she came out with was mind boggling. l tried to settle it and then l called her for last Christmas hoping things were ok and well, checking really, and she let go with even more of it. All total bs l don't even know how she dreamt it all up and it was hurtful stuff to and really through me at the time. lt was just a harmless good will Christmas call next minute l'm getting all this ugly mad crap thrown at me and the talks we'd had 10 yrs ago thrown in my face yet again to. For the 2nd time 2yrs apart.

lt all upset me for wks and ruined Christmas and where it even came from 2 yrs in a row to boot, l couldn't even imagine.

So l've since had to cut that one out to now, l can't see any other way. l went out of my way to try to sort her head out on whatever her problem was and got the lowest belt kicks in return any b could dish out- for no reason, both times.

l never would've even imagined 20 yrs ago we'd still deal with this crap at this age.

rx

[white knight]

Hi Croix,

Doing the "right thing" is an admirable endeavour with high risk. Fortunately I'm more aware than ever of my fragility and high cost of exercising any obligations built on guilt. Those roses have to many thorns.

I think the narcissistic element of my mother and sister is the core issue in that a perfect son would not be good enough.

TonyWK 

[white knight]

Rx

I think in your case, they feed off trauma, gossip and a lust to win. Sibling rivalry is never admitted, it boils under the surface. 

Sometimes family can't share their lives and just because one shares blood doesn't justify our persistent attempts to glue it all together. And yes, visiting them only to be taunted for a past history, is reverse therapy. 

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Yeah gees ldk Tony , maybe that's what it is. l'll say one thing though l'm done working it out.

That was suppose to say my brothers are mostly hassle free btw , not hassle. But even so , can't really turn to any of them or sing out for a hand either, it's always been really disappointing.Out of all the brothers there's only two of us that have the kind of heart and loyalty mum and dad had. l've always wished at least the brothers could be real brothers, a call away to ea other anytime anywhere if ever needed, always have ea others back , but ha, some kind of fantasy l think.

rx

[randomxx]

Shame,  l thought this thread might even become a main go to thread for people with family problems, bc it's a big topic and there's so many posts around about that sort of thing.

At any rate , God ldk.

Had a call yesterday from the one sister lives up here close to my place, now riddled with guilt bc it didn't end well. Of all the "real" things l have to worry about in life atm,  l wind up with this rubbish.

For some reason she thinks we're close and get along well but l can tell you anyone around that l got along with in this way isn't around , bc l wouldn't even bother.

This is the sister l had to tell point blank 12mths back l didn't want any more calls from her,they're too much. But she still calls. l mostly don;t answer any more but l have grabbed one or two out of guilt. This one yesterday bc it was in the middle of the day, l actually thought it might be some family problem and so l answered.

Turned out it was nothing so 30mins later l'm still sitting there with her waffling on and on and on as usual, all the same old. You can't even talk back there's no gaps she's just of onto her own planet.

lt's still going so l had to cut in said l have to get of and go do some stuff l'll see ya later and hung up.Top it of l'd had a huge day te day before with work long long drive, long day l was as tired as. But that cutting in was probably only 1 of the only 2 or 3 quick sentences l managed to even get in that whole call, as usual.

Butttt, l end up l feeling bad it was abrupt kind of thing usually is with her but only bc it literally has to be bc there won't be a gap to even ease into a you've gotta get going line in any other way.

Trouble is, it leaves me guilt ridden later, it's happened a few times before. lt just gets to much though your sitting there wasting life with this rubbish just goin on and on and on it's like some twilight zone. lt's too much but she still has no clue and sooo, it's usually wound up ending like that.

Should l feel this guilt though ?  You know, most of us have to be at least a little self aware but she just can't see it, can't see herself, doesn't stop , l get to the end of my tether and that's that. l mean she should at least have some sort of idea surely to God.

And don't get me wrong , l have beautiful regular ph convos with the people l do ph with, normal ph calls, normal mutual convo, really enjoyable. But this thing with her, i just can't sit through it and tbh, l don't see why l should l mean she's a woman in her 50s not a teenager, and she's a teacher no less, wake the hell up is the way l see it.

[white knight]

Hi RX

I know the rabbitting on effect very well. However from my research it could be an indication of autism, ADHD, bipolar, personality disorders and so on. 

The real problem is trying to maintain a relationship when you cant tolerate the talking. I'm lost on this issue but maybe you can begin asking her to text you instead, that way if she does a lengthy text you can speed read.  Many people dont answer the phone and quickly reply "text me instead- thanks"

She doesnt need to know why. You could be in the doctors surgery, dentist or library looking up what to do with compulsive talkers.

TonyWK

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Thanks for that Tony ,appreciated.

But you know what and l know you've been there, but that's exactly it.

Your spot on it's the talking involved if we do cross paths as you say, to vaguely, politely l suppose, maintain some sort of at least civil relationship even if it is only in passing.

She just has a real talent at just saying things, that can just piss you of 1 minute into bumping into her anywhere. A couple of brothers have all the same problems with her. She's not a nasty person it's just all about her personality - which l can not stand, they aren't jabs and pokes, it's her.

l mean l have beautiful relationships and convo with the women in my life but this one, honestly, l'd rather not ever even bother talking with her again.

Do you use the text thing to do you ? l've been trying to train her into that a few yrs now since she moved up here, but she'll still try to call.

Her texts is almost as bad actually tbh, she still has that same knack, but eh it is better than phones and l can keep it very short.

[randomxx]

Actually l'm moving away later in the yr, matter of fact l just picked up my caravan on Thurs Tony, so pleased- topic for another thread l spose buttt, really stoked.

But this thing , her so close now, is one of the reasons and so hopefully it;ll get back to a 10min thing here and there at the odd Christmas every now and then after that, and that - will be that.

l've just gotta get through this yr here with her as pain free as poss now.

rx