My Dad puts so much pressure onto me.

PsychedelicFur

Hey there,

I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the past from both of my parents.

For instance, I have to pay half of the rent. I understand people my age, if they live with their parents have to pay board. And I am willing to do that but half of the rent just seems unreasonable.

He would say to me "well, if I was by myself I would just live in a caravan park. You are the one who wants to live in a house."

He would use me as a mini therapist when I was 4 or 5 years old, because my parents relationship was pretty rocky.

When I even suggested about moving out with my past partner he would say "well, where would I go?"

And then If I had a partner and would go out with them or stay a few days at their house he would make me feel guilty because he was home alone and he didn't have someone to spend time with.

It's so hard.

white knight

Hi, welcome,

I will answer your post and be as gentle as can be. That is because I also had my then 12 year old daughter as a sounding board post marriage split.

There has always been a mirage with men, that they are strong and capable, able to get over a tragic life event like divorce much easier than females. The facts are that 4 out of 5 suicides are men and a portion of that number occur following a event like divorce. Us men can crumble and usually we cant confide in other men like females do with each other so well. We have a macho barrier to face, as they also can see us as weak. So we turn to someone and if thats a child well that isnt ideal but what it does reflect is the desperation your dad had/has. He sounds very insecure and has relied on you for such security, again not ideal but I'd suggest that these are situations whereby he needs someone that listens... effectively you have become one of his best friends.. There is an amazingly positive thing in being your dads friend but it does come with consequences like becoming dependent.

My wife had married her first husband and her father, upon realising they were going on a road trip for a honeymoon, said "I'll come along, we'll have fun". No, it didnt happen! But that reflects how far it can go.

What to do? Well, you might need to think quicker. To his comment "where will I go"? the ideal answer is "Dad, I love you but we are not a couple, I'm not your wife". Also if you went away a few days and he was alone "well dad, it isnt for me to find you company, join a club or find a partner..." There are mens clubs now.

Rent- this is a little more controversial. I can see his point that he'd live in a caravan park as we use a caravan for holidays and see many people, usually single, living permanently there. Rent is cheap and no rates, water bills etc. You are an adult and half rent is indeed reasonable imo. There is a saying "tough love" that he could be using or financially he finds it too hard himself.

In fact you could use the same tough love, move out, live with shared housing, a partner and get dad to "tough it out" alone. This dependency he has on you isnt good for either of you.

One of the hardest things humans can learn is to walk a mile in the others shoes. His loneliness has grown to a level that has found him too reliant on you so unfortunately it results in you making that tough decision.

BTW- my now 35yo daughter and I are very close by heart and she lives 3 hours away. I've remarried happily and dont need the emotional reliance I once had. What you have done with your dad is amazing with your emotional support so pat yourself on the back and fly from the nest, but be understanding because your dad is insecure possibly caused by that divorce. It is a scar we carry.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK