Disowning a family member

[white knight]

This is by far the most difficult thread I've ever written. Finally after using my heart as my guide all my life, my head is taking over in order to save myself from serious longer term harm.

And that's the reason for this thread- limiting grief and moving forward.

Blood is an attachment that cant be described. As children our parents are our life, our security, our nurturing. We never expect to disown them. Our own children is what we created, we protect, we feed, we devote...we never expect to disown them.

How far do you proceed with a family member when the relationship is unworkable? If it is unworkable how long do you endure any toxicity before you enter a self protection/preservation mode? Forever? Some of us presume so. Or we live in hope that it will work out one day.

An example-

My first wife used silence as a very effective hurtful weapon. It isn't easy describing the feeling of being ineffective with combatting it. I divorced her in 1996. Only recently did I stumble on the reason why it is used as a weapon and what you can do about it.

Google

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism

So, one of my daughters is 26yo and since she was 14yo she has showed strong traits of this. She lived with her mother and I had her for visitations every second weekend and holidays. Obviously her mother had a strong influence on her and that has been on display every time her and I have communication. Every two years or so my daughter re-enters my life to create havoc. At first its fine, we talk (only on Facebook messenger as that gives her control to block me if she so desires) then after a couple of weeks of great communication - she is gone! no contact. Why?

Control. My daughter is in control of when she communicates. She is well aware of the hurt she inflicts.

Recently I developed that attitude, now for the hard bit- getting on with my life with people that love and adore me.

PS I recently read the following phrases-

• Not every time losing a person in your life - is a loss
• I believe that Narcissists deserve our compassion, but compassion does not involve giving them permission to hurt other people or overlooking any damage that they do.” “I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love till someone told me there is a flip side to it.
• I'm not weak, I was trusting.
• I'm not giving up, I'm healing.
• There is life after narcissistic abuse, Hold On!

TonyWK

[clownartist]

Hi Camellias .

My daughters is the same has all the answers to everything .If only life was so simple .they are know alls.I pay a huge price for my blatant honesty and lack of filter.I did my bike ride this morning which I love and watched on new series on SBS .I have few good friends who are tough on me which I may need but I actually think I get more from you guys on BB, your comment how I dealt with my daughter saying she loved me was poignant .I left totally deflated and guilty How did know ?It is the first time she said she loved me in 18 years I think every night about it The triggers eh ?CK

[clownartist]

Hi Camellias,

Your words are so nice ,the JR was a legend wrapped me around her paws,hilarious stories of her dramas.I could not take the dog that lived me for 5 years I moved to a unit no dogs.She adored me but she was a complete pain joke,but she loved me to death and have not seen her for 4 months.On a positive note I did dogsitting last week the dog was unbelievable and wanted to come home with me ,the owners were amazed .I obviously have a connection with dogs just not people Thank you for your kind words it really meant a lot CK

[Camellias]

Hi CK

We have a fair hit in common. I also am in an apartment where no animals are permitted. I think it is wonderful you did some dog sitting- it gave you a sense of the TLC you deserve and the dog Im sure would have sensed this. I too have a strong connection with dogs.

It’s my deepest nightmare, not having a animal companion of my own. It’s been two years since I lost my heart dogs(2). There’s been a huge space in my heart ever since.

Yes I get that...the triggers, the reminders, the reruns in our mind...it is hard working through this alone.

Having not heard that in 18years and then suddenly hearing it, I can appreciate why you’d feel guilty ...deflated even. you know I never understood what deflation felt like until I met this lady, I lost count of how many times I have felt this way, this heavy deflation- like a kind of sinking. Boom, she has sunk me again. And ofcourse she has placed herself higher. Thrives off chaos.

How far do you ride?

Was the sbs show really good?

I must admit I have become a bit of a tv hermit. Today so even turned the page of a feee local paper to the TV guide. I sorted of laughed as I felt like an old man settling down for the evening...

I often borrow dvds from the library to just pass the time.

🌺

[Camellias]

Hi CK

I am happy to provide kind words to you always. I am glad to hear that coming here on BB has helped you and that the kindness shared is of a great comfort in knowing, we are not alone.

Im sure your little JR had a very loyal friend in you. She will always be treasured by you and you remember the good times which keep her memories forever cherished.

I keep thinking about dog sitting, like TonyWK expresses we must keep ourselves busy/full of distractions otherwise we fall back into those patterns and I know it is happening for me. These desperate measures, because I have not found purpose, yet

Are you able to move, or is it financially not doable? I’m hoping I find somewhere affordable that allows pets. But it just may never happen and nobody enjoys moving. It would be so hard on my health and I don’t own much.

Do you have a favourite dog breed?

🌺

[clownartist]

Sorry Camellias pressed post early no I love dogs and they just sense it I really believe in the dog whisperer.never thought I would say that.You must miss your two dogs that would break my heart.Someone said if you want a friend buy a dog.I watched the new series 63 up which is on tonight at 7,30 I cheated watched on youtube brilliant .I love online movies get a good internet if you can get it. I ride about 6 to 10 km a day keeps me sane CK

[Camellias]

Hi CK

You sound very fit Im afraid I wouldn’t make it down the road on a bike before breaking a sweat!

I have been looking for good internet just that the unlimited internet is mostly all landline and I rent. So I had to get the most amount I could get each month wireless, which was 500GB. I have no idea if that will be enough....Hope so.

I do believe in the dog whisperer as well as the horse whisperer too. Amazing individuals who can communicate so well with animals.

🌺

[clownartist]

Hi Camellias,

I have been thru all that crap with internet I had internet in the home unlimited now renting it has been a nightmare i have got wireless dongle.I love movies etc but I been burnt with excess data more stress .On the dog whisperer bizarrely I was terrified of dogs when I was a child .Dogs read people in some weird way ,these friends said oh the dog smells your dog even though I havent seen my dog in 5 months and that why she likes you.Dogs have a sixth sense that I cant explain they read people like a book if only humans could do the same CK

[Camellias]

Hi CK

As a child I was scared of cats now I absolutely adore them, so I understand how it flows re dogs for you.

Sounds like I will burn up my data fast.... Im not tech savvy so I have no idea. But it will be good to not have to do everything on my tiny mobile phone or cram everything into 2hrs at the library PC.

Animals are what makes this world a better place, IMO.

🌺

[blondguy]

Hi Tony

Thankyou for another great thread topic... 'Disowning a family Member'. After reading all of your opening post I am sorry for what you are going through with your 26 year old daughter. This is awfully painful not to mention the effect it has on our day to day well being....

I have been going through the same with my 25 years old daughter since she was 14 (hormones?..could be)

• She refuses to call...and only uses text when she wants $$$. I havent seen her since I 'lent' her $1000
• I have never heard the words 'How are you?' in her 25 years
• She is angry at the world..at me...at life..

• Her mum has poisoned her about me since she was 18 months old....(in 1995)
• I have tried so very hard to be a good dad....loving yet firm and always communicated well
• Just in my own situation my ex has always used my daughter as a weapon for her own ends. I havent

I didnt mean to stray off topic Tony yet I am at the stage where my health comes first and have no interest in pursuing communication with my daughter.

You mentioned "How far do you proceed with a family member when the relationship is unworkable? If it is unworkable how long do you endure any toxicity before you enter a self protection/preservation mode"? These are excellent points you have made Tony

Just for me I am past the toxic stage now. I prefer my peace at this time.

Qualification: I have nothing but respect and admiration for all young people that strive to be the best they can. Many people in their teens and 20's are proactive with their health/future and show some respect to their parents whilst doing so

my kind thoughts

Paul

[clownartist]

Hi Blondguy,

Again I see someone abused in a relationship.Same only text ,never asked "How are you ?",She is angry at the world and it seems to be my fault.Childhood is never history,its always there.Let toxic people go it is not an act of cruelty,its an act of selfcare.Just to qualify you as well there are many well balanced teens .On another note I read a beautiful short story in the Good Weekend about a troubled sons relationship with his father last weekend.He said "He may be to blame for my unhappy childhood,but everything else is mine alone" Cheers CK