Hello DebsChili, and a warm welcome to the forums.
Self saboteurs are so worried and afraid of what "might" happen and create problems in daily life that can interfere and this can cause negative thoughts, although I'm not qualified to say.
Perhaps an issue here is that he lives 1000 kms away and no matter how much you love him, being long distance creates it's own problems because you aren't able to kiss or even cuddle him and could be the reason he wants to take it slow.
I'd be interested to hear what else you'd like to say as I'm in your age group.
Thanks for responding. When you say... Self saboteurs are so worried and afraid of what "might" happen and create problems in daily life that can interfere and this can cause negative thoughts... that is pretty much it. A little more to the story. I've been single for over 20 years by choice, I've had opportunities but no-one I've really wanted to be with, perhaps because breakups are painful but more likely because for a while, many years ago, after a breakdown I turned my back on my child and have spent a long time trying to make it up to her. She is now an adult with her own family but the guilt for me lingers on. I wonder if I deserve happiness after the heartache I've caused others. The practical side of me says of course I do but the emotional side often runs roughshod over the practical side and goes of at it's own tangent. This is where the self doubt and sabotage take over. I imagine all sorts of negative scenarios... particularly him with other women, even though he assures me he isn't and I have no reason to doubt him. I imagine him calling me and saying he has found someone else even though he has given me no reason to believe this. This is one of the many things that I confront him over and he gets frustrated at my lack of trust. I also get jealous when he spends time with other people, including his family, as he is with them not me and I imagine him having a better with them than me and realising that I'm just not worth it, again these are my thoughts and not anything he has done. To me these are totally irrational thoughts and they cause great conflict within myself. It gets to the stage it consumes me and makes it difficult to concentrate on anything else. Eventually I manage to pull myself back together and move on but at the times of great personal conflict he bears the brunt of it with my irrational behaviour. So far I have been very lucky and he has stayed through all this but I am frightened that one day I will just push to far... I need to find a way of diffusing these irrational thoughts and feelings of anxiety before they take hold and I lose control yet again. Lastly we do visit each other, I have just got back from a week on the boat with him where we both had a fabulous time and two days later I was back to accusing him of all sorts of things, this time was worse than ever.... Thanks for listening