Disallusioned

[DebsChili]

Hi all, thanks for having me. I suffer miid anxiety and depression but my main issue is I'm a self saboteur in relationships and I'm about to ruin yet another one. This is my first flame from when we were teenagers, in fact he was my first sexual encounter, now 45 years later (62 and 63 respectively) we have reconnected. Problems abound though, he lives on a boat 1000 kilometers away. When we first connected he used to message me multiple times a day and call often, then he was still organising his life before moving onto the boat. Since the move the messages are less and the phone calls just once a day. The fact he still did this for me shows he cares and is keen to keep in touch but I'm the sort that falls hard and fast in love, which he knows because I've alread, after 4 months, told him I love him but he tells me he wants to take things slow... my problem is I become highly insecure, I get anxious and can't function, I cry often which is hard at work, and accuse him of all sorts of things that exist only in my mind. I've done a few things in my past I'm ashamed off and don't believe I deserve to be happy so I to do all I can to push people I want to be with away. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to find a hole and disappear into it. There is do much more to say but just wanted to start with the basics, thanks for listening

[geoff]

Hello DebsChili, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Self saboteurs are so worried and afraid of what "might" happen and create problems in daily life that can interfere and this can cause negative thoughts, although I'm not qualified to say.

Perhaps an issue here is that he lives 1000 kms away and no matter how much you love him, being long distance creates it's own problems because you aren't able to kiss or even cuddle him and could be the reason he wants to take it slow.

I'd be interested to hear what else you'd like to say as I'm in your age group.

Take care.

Geoff.

[DebsChili]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for responding. When you say... Self saboteurs are so worried and afraid of what "might" happen and create problems in daily life that can interfere and this can cause negative thoughts... that is pretty much it. A little more to the story. I've been single for over 20 years by choice, I've had opportunities but no-one I've really wanted to be with, perhaps because breakups are painful but more likely because for a while, many years ago, after a breakdown I turned my back on my child and have spent a long time trying to make it up to her. She is now an adult with her own family but the guilt for me lingers on. I wonder if I deserve happiness after the heartache I've caused others. The practical side of me says of course I do but the emotional side often runs roughshod over the practical side and goes of at it's own tangent. This is where the self doubt and sabotage take over. I imagine all sorts of negative scenarios... particularly him with other women, even though he assures me he isn't and I have no reason to doubt him. I imagine him calling me and saying he has found someone else even though he has given me no reason to believe this. This is one of the many things that I confront him over and he gets frustrated at my lack of trust. I also get jealous when he spends time with other people, including his family, as he is with them not me and I imagine him having a better with them than me and realising that I'm just not worth it, again these are my thoughts and not anything he has done. To me these are totally irrational thoughts and they cause great conflict within myself. It gets to the stage it consumes me and makes it difficult to concentrate on anything else. Eventually I manage to pull myself back together and move on but at the times of great personal conflict he bears the brunt of it with my irrational behaviour. So far I have been very lucky and he has stayed through all this but I am frightened that one day I will just push to far... I need to find a way of diffusing these irrational thoughts and feelings of anxiety before they take hold and I lose control yet again. Lastly we do visit each other, I have just got back from a week on the boat with him where we both had a fabulous time and two days later I was back to accusing him of all sorts of things, this time was worse than ever.... Thanks for listening