Difficulty with self worth and control.

[Orchard]

My partner has previously cheated on me while on a break- which was heartbreaking in itself. Now, months on the thoughts and the ramifications are within my mind, like an annoying fly that just buzzed around constantly, how do you move past the hurt, the betrayal and believe that he is telling the truth now, we will go through a really good patch then something will set me off.

I hate feeling like this, I despise the thoughts, the loneliness and most of the time I am alone so they're just rolling around freely. I know it's not in my head but I just feel worthless and nothing I say makes any difference because it is not being validated not being heard.
Who on here has some insightful techniques that will help process this information and move on.

[Not_Batman]

Hi Orchard.

Forgive my ignorance, may i just clarify what you mean by break? I guess it can be interpreted in a few ways.

Your thoughts are valid because you feel some sort of betrayal. The mind is very good at making thoughts seem more than what they are, which comes in the form of self loathing, and intrusive thoughts.But as your mind tries to trick you, so you too can trick your mind and allow yourself to think. Those intrusive thoughts, no matter how strong they are, are just your thoughts, and not reality. It may take some counselling to be able to learn the skill, though.

does the voice in you head have a form, and/or a particular sounding voice? You could repeat words to yourself in the voice to eventually take meaning away from the words. For example, when i was feeling down and worthless, I was encouraged the repeat the word worthless over and over in the voice of the voice in my head...now the voice in my head has lost most of its power.

Is it possible to talk to your partner about the feelings, or perhaps see a relationship counsellor?

i hope that there is some comfort that you can find is this.

Not_Batman

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Orchard

Sorry that you're having this experience, it's an awful thing to go through.

Once trust is broken, it's very difficult to get back. If you've chosen to forgive him, as it seems you have, is he very open with you and willing to discuss how to rebuild the relationship, and is he gentle with your feelings? I think it' s a process that takes time, and needs to be worked through together.

You're definitely not worthless. I think a betrayal can make us feel that way, but it's not the reality at all.

I'm sorry I don't have any techniques to offer, but it really needs to be both of you doing the work in the relationship - not just you.

Wishing you well. Katy

[Orchard]

Thank you,

He just started a new job so when he has the time we will do counseling together, which by no means makes me feel important although I understand that it important to work and I applaud him for that. I struggle with being home every day- I have always been a worker, so this aspect is not helping at all, even though I've applied for so many jobs.

he says the same thing that it is all in my head, but then my mind goes to are you sure, then starts questioning that, I have an analytical mind, so when it doesn't make sense to me I start filling in the blanks- well what do you have to hide and he swears he isn't hiding anything and that he is telling the truth. I do have betrayl and trust issues, i am not denying that.
break - as in just angry. [she] is known to break up families and sleep around the town, then I think is that how he sees me. I know I shouldn't because we are different people but this is where the am I good enough comes from. Am I not happy enough, fun enough do I not do enough, I try and justify it within myself.

[Orchard]

Thank you,

no he just wants to put it behind us and move on, he said he has answered all my questions and that should be all. He hates the fact I keep going on about it and then shuts down and then refuses to talk to me, which I turn makes me more angry.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Orchard

Glad to hear that you're going to get counselling together. I think that sounds really positive. Do you think you have too much time to think at the moment, and that's not helping you manage what's happened? Are you able to find some nice things you enjoy doing to fill in your time a bit more, so that you're not dwelling so much on it for now?

One thing I found effective for working through my thoughts, was to get them down on paper, journal style. It was an interesting exercise as what I thought I would write, was not actually what I ended up writing. Anyway, just a suggestion.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really such an awful thing to experience. Be gentle with yourself. Katy

[Orchard]

I have done that in the past put pen to paper, and then burnt the paper so it can't be traced. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Simple things like he doesn't message at work when he will have a break or he ignores my messages entirely. I just don't know anymore.