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Did I over react? Need some input.

Guest_9043
Community Member
I ended my relationship with my partner two days ago. It is not true that the person who ends it has an easier time. When I ended the r/ship I had not been thinking of it for days or even weeks on end. I still absolutely loved my partner when I ended it. I still do love her very much. I ended it because we had a short yet painful row.

I was under extreme stress and pressure from many things. Big and small. Also going through a mental breakdown. My mind and heart could not cope with the argument. She said things and didn't say things that made no sense. The final blow was when she said if you cannot take responsibility we have nothing. A powerful statement and a knife straight through my heart. In that moment I said that is it, the relationship is over, I am done, we are done and I am moving out.
I also said not long after that, that we will not be sleeping together anymore. It's inappropriate, we are no longer together. I saw the look on her face of what I interpret as please do not abandon me. I have however stuck to it and we have not been sleeping together. I miss sleeping with her terribly to be honest.

I did not want to end the relationship, I felt there was no longer any other choice. I went through something similar with her almost a month ago now. I was rebuilding my trust in her and the relationship as well as my safety. She promised that person would never come back. I actually do know she tried very very hard to keep that cruel, cutting, non-feeling person away. She is devastated that she has caused me such pain. I watch her struggle and want to help. I'm just scared to get hurt. Scared to trust. I feel like I am very protective of me. I still love her. There is lots to love and I miss her. I need to talk this out with someone.
11 Replies 11

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi again

Guilt is s terribly difficult thing to experience. Guilt is common among people that have low self esteem and often originated from issues from childhood that has left self doubt.

This situation now is as difficult for you to remedy as it is for third parties like myself that don’t get the other side of the story, none of the emotions nor your ex partners temperament. So let me give you one example-

My wife and I were only married a few months when she was attending a gathering the next day. I decided to make her some sausage rolls to take with her. We had an argument over something and in a rage she threw the bowl of mince at me and it landed in my chest and on the ground. I was stunned and just stared at her, a look of “it’s over”.

I went to the garage and sobbed for hours. She was doing the same, then she approached and apologised “I know you will leave me after what I did but all I can do is apologise and tell you I love you- please don’t leave me”

Her apology was accepted as long as any violence in any shape or form never happens again. It never has and now we’ve been married 8 years.

Why is this relevant? In your case what she said to you at the time “if you can’t take responsibility, it’s over” wasn’t a comment that seemed unreasonable to her at the time, but totally devastating to you.

We all have boundaries of what is unacceptable. A partner might think attending a strip club is harmless fun, his partner, could see it the same as an affair!

So in essence, your different values added with your stress levels and sensitivity would not help with being rational. Her lack of awareness of your mental state at the time wouldn’t help either. She needs to be more subtle and maybe you less reactive.

Acknowledging those factors on both sides could see reconciliation. Then introduce boundaries and strategies.

Following that incident with my wife I developed such a strategy that works with defusing arguments

google or use search bar

beyondblue topic relationship strife- the peace pipe

If you did reunite such a strategy (which is really an effective time out method) could save you both from the destruction of your future. Either way, imo calm talking is best even if you decide it’s time to end being together. Making life changing decisions while in a rage isn’t the way to go and that adds to your guilt.

google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

I hope that helps. You seem a caring sensitive person.

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello 2quik, I'm sorry this thread is certainly a worry because you still love her and trying to appease someone in a disagreement is not an easy task because you have to virtually convince the two of you.

Being in love doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you will naturally agree on everything, of course, it won't, there will be decisions you want to do and the same for her, but by having major arguments does disrupt the harmony and to makeup is another part of being in a relationship.

Not everything can be agreed on, you're two different people, had different backgrounds and there will be parts of what our partner/spouse does that annoys us, infatuation never lasts, love takes on another form.

There seems to be a 'sticking point' that needs some mediation to be arrived at, because being together and not agreeing on this particular point will always cause headaches.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi 2quik

So sorry to hear about the pain and grief you're feeling. It can be far from easy when we lose or let go of something or someone that brings us so much joy and a sense of love at times.

Mental breakdowns can be incredibly challenging. During such a process, we can end up mentally breaking down just about everything we relate to in life. This can be a time of great upheaval, great re-identification and great self questioning.

Some breakdowns may have an obvious trigger that leads us to break down pretty much every aspect of our life. For example, if the trigger is one that offers us the experience of great self-acceptance and self-love, for the first time ever, we can begin to break down everything else in our life through the eyes of self-acceptance and self-love. As we become more self-accepting and self-loving, just about everything that does not resonate with this identity comes into question.

You and your partner both sound like you are experiencing great challenges. Is it possible that you both share the same challenge at the moment - compassionate and thoughtful honesty through open communication? When your partner emotionally cut you off or had been cruel, could an honest thoughtful conversation on her part as to why she'd taken such courses of action have made any difference to the both of you and the relationship? In her mentioning a lack of responsibility on your part, was she looking for responses you were unable or unwilling to provide, for one reason or another? There are always influences preceding a relationship we develop with someone. If the influences involve negative input from family members or life experiences, we can end up building our current relationship upon foundations riddled with faults (they're not actually our faults). Breaking apart the foundations and laying new ones with a partner is an incredibly challenging process. Some make their way through this process with the guidance of a couples counselor which might be something worth considering.

I believe if one or both members in a relationship has or have no interest in changing or growing then it's time to call it a day. If both members face challenges which they deeply wish to overcome individually and/or together then it can be a relationship worth working on.

Through the challenges in my marriage, I have managed to address certain faults within myself and I've also discovered what I will no longer settle for because I've found I deserve better.

🙂

Guest_9043
Community Member
Hi everyone, I hope all three that responded will read this. I am feeling VERY OVERWHELMED with the responses. None of them are bad at all, the issue is my mind needs time to read it, look it and make sense of it. In saying that I am very grateful to each one of you that you reached out to me in my time of need, shared with me and are there "virtually". I would like to say that I cannot assume none of you do or don't know what a mental breakdown feels like. I have had a severe one. It happened on Wednesday the 18th. So I am on the 4th day now. I am in a very very very bad place in myself. Things are incredibly dark for me. I chose not to go to hospital because I do not feel that is the right place for me. I will not cope with that and my recovery is best at home. Familiarity and trying to take care of myself. I also have been speaking a little bit to my partner. I have told her things and tried to understand as best that my mind is able to. My partner doesn't want us to give up nor does she want to give up. There is so much more to it, however right now I am incapable of really explaining. A complete mental breakdown is incredibly frightening. You lose most of your faculties and you know it is happening and its like you cannot get it back. The brain is much harder to fix than an external wound and much harder to see the carnage that is not visible to the naked eye. I know that an incredible stress load in the last 9 months has caused my mental breakdown. Unfortunately like grief there is actually stages that has names and of course it is not linear. I have not found anything online that describes stages of a mental breakdown, how to recover, what to do and so forth. All I want to say is I do have things to say and I will be responding, I just need time and I do hope you will keep an eye on this thread for my responses.

Cheers

Lee.

Hi WK,

Not sure if you are still reading this thread but I will post anyway. I just had another read through what you wrote. It is difficult to be fair when the other person involved is not getting their side of the story out there. I am a truthful person perhaps to my own detriment at times. I can be no other way though. As it is about me coming here for support, I don't place as much emphasis on my partner, however I understand the need for others to want the partners side though as there is two sides to every story.

I understood from your post about creating boundaries with others and also having strategies. I have not yet read the peace pipe but I will. Tonight, I told my partner I was going for a walk, to please put my dinner in the oven and I will eat when I come back. I decided to go for a walk because my partner was being very snappy and instead of being reactive, I decided to go for a walk and cool down. I came back, ate my dinner and she has been not snapping at me since.

I still have to read guilt the tormentor as well. I will get there. The relationship we have needs work that is for sure. I also need time to heal my fragile heart. I am slowly starting to think about boundaries for myself. It has been twice now in different ways that my partner has said it is over. I have crumbled badly every single time as it has happened unexpectedly. I do have a post on here titled unpacking after a relationship breakdown. That was a post from the first time it happened. It was around the beginning of March. I was only just starting to make headway healing from that one when this time it happened again.

The first time after it happened I actually did lay boundaries for myself. I have thought a bit today and I have thought if I start to see familiar signs I am just going to walk out and go for a long walk so it does not escalate. When I have had some time to settle and she has had her own space, I am hoping that I can come back and talk to her about how I am feeling. Perhaps just a gentle reminder about my boundaries as well. That is the short term, the long term well there are issues to be ironed out. At the moment, I am focusing a lot on myself and my recovery due to my mental breakdown. It is hard every single day. I am utterly exhausted mentally and physically. On a good note, my partner starts her own individual therapy next week and I do hope she feels more supported and things start to get easier for her as well.

2quik.

Guest_9043
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

I have my own thoughts around agreeing and disagreeing. I am extremely open minded to my partners thoughts why she may disagree about something important. She may disagree and I personally do not view it as wrong or as right, neither as my views and beliefs are wrong or right. They just are really. If we were to disagree on something very important we would have to work on it, perhaps reaching a compromise that works for us both depending on the situation. Now if it is something that is not so important to agree or disagree on I pretty much just let it go to be honest. I respect she feels and thinks differently, I would not want to agree and think the same on everything. I am also naturally curious and open to hearing her reasons why she agrees or disagrees with something or someone. After all I am in love with her and that is important to hear her. I would like the same in return it does not mean am always going to get it because she is her own unique person and may not see things the same way as I do. I think it takes a level of maturity one has reached in themselves to when you can truly accept each others differences and still love one another. Furthermore to see the differences as complimenting the relationship rather than completely destructing it. I know sounds idealistic, perhaps it is. It does not make how I feel and what I believe less valid though.

To be honest I do not like major arguments, especially in short succession of each other. I actually would not be able to cope with that for very long. I will be less and less inclined to work things out after each one to be fair. I think if it happening frequently it can cause great damage to a relationship and sometimes irreparable damage that it would take an absolute miracle or two to really tun things around.

I know we/I/her need help. It sound so simple to go get help. It actually isn't. I am in my own individual therapy with my therapist. I have also suffered a recent mental breakdown and it was a very severe one. I have C-PTSD to manage on top of that as well as life and doing life. She is starting therapy next week. There is literally so much going on and we are doing our best to work stuff out. One day at a time.

Thanks for sharing Geoff.

2quik.

Hi therising,

You are definitely not wrong about mental breakdowns. It does completely uproot and unsettle pretty much every aspect of your life and yourself. I know that I have to come to terms with that this is very much going to take time to recover, I know my life needs to change, I know that I am going to be different coming out the other end, I know that there is a profound and overwhelming senses of loss and grief, I know that I have no idea what changes to incorporate into my life from here on in, I know that no one can tell me what changes to make, I have to discover those for myself. It's a long road to recovery.

I wrote down everything that has happened in my life from 1st December 2019 up until now. I knew a heck of a lot had happened in a short time. Major things and not so major things however they all had an impact. Seeing all of it in front of you instead of just in your head is the eye opener you need. I rang the suicide call bak service number the other night and told the counselor just a tiny bit of events that had happened. It was him that said, it is not even humanly possible to cope with all that. I suppose it woke me up in some ways that I just need a darn break and to take it now.

I understand you explanation into self- love and self- acceptance. Wise words and a very good practice in life. I agree that anything that we come across in our own self-love and self-acceptance including external events and external people other than ourselves does lead one to question a bit more. Loving oneself can sometimes mean to walk away from a toxic relationship whatever the type of relationship.

We are going through some huge challenges. They have been going on for quite some time.

"Is it possible that you both share the same challenge at the moment - compassionate and thoughtful honesty through open communication? When your partner emotionally cut you off or had been cruel, could an honest thoughtful conversation on her part as to why she'd taken such courses of action have made any difference to the both of you and the relationship"?

My partner does not know how to communicate. She has great difficulty. I have checked in many times if it is something I am contributing to that makes it difficult for her to talk to me. My partner stonewalls and can emotionally cut off. There has been many times I have spoken and there is just nothing but silence not even ab acknowledgement that I spoke.

Continuing on in a new post.

"My partner does not know how to communicate. She has great difficulty. I have checked in many times if it is something I am contributing to that makes it difficult for her to talk to me. My partner stonewalls and can emotionally cut off. There has been many times I have spoken and there is just nothing but silence not even ab acknowledgement that I spoke."

Hi 2quick.

Sorry to hear the difficulties that you are experiencing and I imagine how overwhelming the situation may be for you.

Many people have difficulties dealing with issues or are unable to communicate effectively with their spouses and this can become a huge problem leading to tension and stress within a relationship. Sometimes while we are trying to navigate our own internal issues and battles, we forget about how hard things may be for the one we love - they are just as important as we are.

My partner is very much the same. It has taken me nearly 12 months to gain an understanding and learning the ability to acknowledge his emotions and feelings and how he handles things in general.

There are reasons why your partner may be treating you like this and it's about being able to learn and find a plausible solution to each others mental and physical wellness.

I hope that you feel you've made the right choice and that you continue to seek the relevant support you need.

Good luck.

🙂

HI 2quik

Thankyou for replying to everyone. I’m sorry you have broken down.

A therapist once said to me “you know the theory, now the practice”?

You know the theory of your mental illness, you’re intelligent and experienced.

Those threads I mentioned- no pressure to read them ok. I’ve listed threads in many of my replies as a way people can research issues at their will

TonyWK