Depression Affecting Relationship

[Wallcat]

My partner has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since before we starting dating 5 years ago. It can be difficult on occasions for me to know the right things to do to support her, especially if I feel upset as well.

Sometimes we argue, and she has often described me as being selfish and uncaring - but after a particularly bad fight recently we both came to the conclusion that my own mental health may have been suffering as a result of trying to regularly support her at my own expense.

Is this common? Though I'm sure I'm not alone, It's not easy to find resources for how depression affects partners.

It's also difficult because I want to look after myself, but I don't know how to support my partner at the same time.

[geoff]

hello Wallcat, depression from one person is likely to start affecting their spouse or partner, especially if it's been happening for a long period of time, why, well because everything you say to her may not happen, just like you talking to brick wall, you may not get an answer or if you do and she says that she will do what you have suggested, but in the end nothing is done, that's why you get a bit annoyed.
If you click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down until you see 'Publications to download or order' or alternatively ring BB and ask them to send it out to you, then the booklet will explain many different avenues associated with MI.
First of all you need to look after yourself, you won't be able to help her or anyone else if you aren't well, because you don't have the strength to deal with any reoccurring change in moods or what like seem to be stubbornish, that's depression doing this.
Both of you need to see your doctor first of all, they will determine whether medication would help and then refer you onto a psychologist and at the moment I would suggest going by yourself, others may disagree and that's fine, you need your strength back. Geoff.

[Wallcat]

Thank you, geoff. I appreciate your response immensely.

[geoff]

hi Wallcat, please come back and ask any question which maybe annoying you, I think the more we communicate with people the better it is for them, however some people don't want this to happen, and I totally understand. Geoff.

[High_Anxiety]

Hi Wallcat,

I too had a relationship with a depressed or mentally dysfunctional woman, after about 18 months or so I too started to become depressed and started to self medicate with drugs, I had a mini meltdown and ended up seeing a pychologist who then perscribed me anti depressants. What I found in hindsight is that what I was doing was taking these drugs just to tollerate a toxic relationship, once I ended the relationship there was no need to take the drugs anymore. I got myself back on track and met a new lady who became my wife.

If it's toxic and affecting you take the steps to get yourself sorted.

Cheers HA

[geoff]

hello High Anxiety, if you like you can start your own thread but pleased you have replied to Wallcat.
What you have said is a great example why someone can stop taking drugs or drinking too much alcohol and ow you're married, congratuations, it's not that easy but it can be done. Geoff.

[Mystera]

Hi Wallcat,

I can completely relate to your post and it is good to know that we are not alone. My partner (now fiancee) have been chronically depressed most of her life and when I met her, I really liked her calmness, slow pace, tenderness...but now, after 2 years in a relationship I know that most of that is her depression and medications she is on. I am very impulsive, energetic, self driven person (or at least used to be) and now I'm struggling to even do things that I am most passionate about. I feel that I let her depression "crawled" into my mind and put all this walls and blockages (like not going out much, not communicating with friends...)

I hear what most of the people tell us to look after ourselves and that is easier to say then to do when everything stand still, (with small spikes of mostly erratic energy) except when we (drivers) try to do organise something. Someone said that depression is toxic and I can really feel that. I am very different person of what I used to be only a year ago. I am seeing psychologist and hopefully will find a way to fill myself with a light I need to shine on our path we walk together, otherwise I feel that she will lose herself and will not be able to follow/walk beside me.

Good luck mate, keep sharing, it does help.

[Helplessly_helpless]

I would agree 100 percent that your own mental an emotional health suffers.. my H has severe depression and anxiety.. most of the time.. and we have kids too .. after a number of years it takes it toll on you.. so i am feeling your pain.

[geoff]

hello Mystera and Helplessly helpless, both your posts need people to reply to them, because even though they are similar to what Wallcat has said, they will get lost sitting here, and that's not what we want, as you may feel as though no one cares about what you have said, quiet to the contrary, you need people to interact with your comments and reply back to you, so can I suggest you both start your own thread and you can do this by clicking on 'All Posts' and then press 'welcome and orientation' where you will see on the right hand corner 'New Thread', press that and then start your post.
Hope to see you both on the forum and if you have already done this and I haven't seen it then I apologise. Geoff.

[Guest_1584]

Reading these l already knew deep down l think trying to support my gf and her issues are undoing things for me l spent 3yrs recovering from and repairing , after a divorce. And l'm seeing things it's bringing out in myself, that l really don't like and l'm losing control of, in only 19mths. It's no good for me at all and l see now l have to get away from it.

l think you've really gotta be careful with because here , good luck.