Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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chels26 Losses of this year.
  • replies: 2

So my year started off as a new slate. I had my family my job and my friends, everything was going great. I eventually met my to be ex boyfriend and I of course again rushed into this realationship too quickly. So with my past relationship before my ... View more

So my year started off as a new slate. I had my family my job and my friends, everything was going great. I eventually met my to be ex boyfriend and I of course again rushed into this realationship too quickly. So with my past relationship before my recent I had learnt that not all people are who they seem, I learnt the pain of been mentally and physically abused, I also learnt that talking is a big part of relationships. So here I was again falling madly in love with this guy that I thought was perfect, I met his family went on holidays spent many birthdays with them, thought I was family until one day out of the blue I ask if he was okay because he was becoming distant, he then replied that he needed to talk. Right them and there I knew he was about to break up with me. So my thoughts go dark real quick. He wanted to meet up and I said no he asked if he could ring me he tried but ignored it and I messaged him it's okay I know it done, were over you don't to say anything let me just get my stuff tomorrow. I was trying to act so brave but on the inside I felt this pain I've never felt before. I've had breakups before but this felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest. So weeks have passed by I've decided to drink every single weekend put on a happy face and pretend like everything is normal. Later on this year I lost my job and then my friends. I developed this habit if sleep long enough I won't have to deal with anything or think about anything. The sad part is that it's been two and a half months and I'm still crippled by the pain of the breakup. I still love him even though h doesn't give a damn about me. His on my thoughts all the time and I feel like a crazy stalker. I hate this year and wish I never tried anything new. I hate boys I hate work I hate being alone all the god damn time. I miss having a companion and sharing day to day stuff. Being alone scares me the most but being so self concious and suspicious I push everyone away. I don't know how to get my shit together when I don't want to do anything.

Justsomebloke Ended up in a bit of a pickle
  • replies: 1

Hi here ,my first post here. I'm in a bit of a pickle. Mid 50s bloke. Married with 3 grown up kids, 1 still at home. IT since the 80s. Made good money most of the time, over 100k often 175k. We're shocking with $. Gets frittered away. We rent a nice ... View more

Hi here ,my first post here. I'm in a bit of a pickle. Mid 50s bloke. Married with 3 grown up kids, 1 still at home. IT since the 80s. Made good money most of the time, over 100k often 175k. We're shocking with $. Gets frittered away. We rent a nice house near the water in QLD. I last drove a car worth than 6k in 2003. She went back to study as a counselor a decade ago, works in the field (now earning 90K +) We have personal loans which were are a problem. I've lied to her about how much money was coming in, due to panic about not having enough & blind hope things would work out. Not proud of it. Given up hope of being secure financially but would do anything to not having to panic about it constantly. I've been with her since we fell pregnant when we were 24. The only time I ever looked at another woman was 4 years ago with someone who was actually fairly famous 'back in the day". My wife found our e-mail - including the ones were we decided that we'd stay loyal to our spouses. I'm the "baddie" for lying to her about money and for having looked at another woman. Our living conditions are are atrocious. Sadly my wife isn't a great housekeeper. I help where I can but I've almost given up. We live in a chaotic clutter that I panic & despair at. The house often looks like it's been ransacked and all the bedrooms have piles of washing & clutter The response about this is "you should be doing more." I have bad asthma and suffered a heart attack when I was 45 which has left me with heart rhythm problems. (Family has no history of cardiac problems aside from me.) Beta blockers and meds for blood pressure, and now medication for the stress. I've been to two counselors. Basically told get the hell out of the situation for me own sake, but I love my wife who is a lovely woman and don't want to do this. I'm suffering from near constant anxiety about money with panic attacks and feel a failure despite having what most people would call a successful career, live in a beautiful house that I dread coming home to because of the mess AND I get to be the villain. I'm not a bad bloke. I feel like I've willingly given my life to be a good husband and father but am now worn to a nub. I used to be able to get relief from things when I traveled for work and was away from home but the dread of coming back home is following me around. So much for the sob story and I openly admit that the situation is entirely of my own doing. I'm really at a loss at to what's next.

lighttheendoftunnel Feeling very isolated and estranged with my abusive family...
  • replies: 2

My parents have always been very neglectful, and emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. My dad's alcohol problem got worse and he became very violent in the last 5 years, resulting me having severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. I don't talk to... View more

My parents have always been very neglectful, and emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. My dad's alcohol problem got worse and he became very violent in the last 5 years, resulting me having severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. I don't talk to my dad obviously, and he's always been emotionally unavailable anyway, he can't care less about me and my existence. My mum is the only family member I talk to, even she can be verbally very abusive, I rely her on money since I am not eligible for benefits(I am not a citizen). The relationship is toxic but I need money to survive, and my PTSD is too severe for me to get a job. I can barely leave the apartment sometimes. I don't have any contact with my other family. My grandparents are the only people in the family who really love me and spoil me. However my mum doesn't allow me to talk to them about my problems. She wants me to pretend I am happy and our family is perfect. She said it's because my grandparents are getting old and they have health issues and I don't want them to worry about you. They are her parents after all, and if they have a heart attack knowing how much I was being abused, I would feel extremely guilty and held responsible. I think my mum would definitely get into trouble tho if they know the truth...I feel like there's so much to hide in my family...so much to pretend, it's not good for my mental health. I don't talk to anyone else in my family because they are always on my Mum's side and I am too traumatised to have someone saying "that didn't happen, it's in your head". As a result I don't have anyone in my family I can really lean on. I am so isolated in this world. I have few friends that I can trust but not family. It's very painful. I haven't visited my grandparents for more than 5 years, and I feel like I am responsible to see them as they are getting very old. However it's too difficult for me emotionally as my mum and my relatives would just start gaslighting me and force me to pretend that I don't have depression or PTSD. I would have to hide and be an actress everyday. It would be too draining and wreak a havoc on me.

Lostinthoughts Desperate for freedom after DV relationship
  • replies: 2

I feel desperate for my freedom as a person, I am severely depressed and I can not make myself take medication for it because I know why I feel this way. I am usually a very comfortable, happy go lucky kind of person, I make the best of my situation ... View more

I feel desperate for my freedom as a person, I am severely depressed and I can not make myself take medication for it because I know why I feel this way. I am usually a very comfortable, happy go lucky kind of person, I make the best of my situation usually. I left my abusive ex husband 3 years ago which caused further abuse over the years, just trying to communicate with him about the children he doesn't even see sends me into a panic and I want to shut down. 2 years ago I met a very wonderful man who welcomed me and my children into his home because we were struggling so much financially after not being able to find permanent employment these past few years, I still have not found employment so I spend every day at home and running errands. My family has very little to do with me, I rarely hear from them and when I do they try to guilt trip me into spending time with my sister and her abusive husband (he has been arrested and charged multiple times) but I cannot bring myself to go near this man after my relationship, it triggers me into a state of panic. I have 3 very lovely children but the stress has become unbearable. My stress has caused a huge flare with my IBS and eczema, I was placed on medication for the IBS but unfortunately the side effects landed me in hospital this week and I suffered a terrible panic attack out of no where. I usually practice Yoga and meditate but my motivation is gone, and my health is deterring me. I have lost interest in most of my passions and hobbies. I feel like my current situation is destroying who I am. I went for a holiday recently and I just felt at home where I was, I was at peace, I felt calm, I was amongst nature and like minded people, I didn't feel like I was suffocating. I'd really like to move interstate after this experience but my partner is very hesitant and I don't blame him because he has lived here his whole life, has a good job, friends and family but at the same time I feel I desperately need to do this for myself. I have nothing here for me but my partner and the suffering my current environment gives me. I love him dearly but I feel trapped and isolated, I struggle to find people I connect with where I am currently living, the house I am in has affected my allergies severely so I am constantly congested and struggling with ear problems. I feel so lost and helpless.

Groucho_Marx Wife and daughter suffering with depression
  • replies: 1

Hi all, This is my first posting. My wife (now 60) has been suffering from depression since here early 20s (when it was diagnosed at least) and in the last six months our only child, a 14 yr old girl, has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, ... View more

Hi all, This is my first posting. My wife (now 60) has been suffering from depression since here early 20s (when it was diagnosed at least) and in the last six months our only child, a 14 yr old girl, has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I'm interested in becoming a volunteer for beyondblue, given my experience. I'm in my 60s, work part-time, so I have time available. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Costa_72 Recently Separated and Broken
  • replies: 4

Hi all, just venting so don't feel you have to reply. My wife of 23yrs asked to seperate in March and I moved out in April. We have had issues but never believed it was at that stage. I have been managing her chronic illness for several years and tri... View more

Hi all, just venting so don't feel you have to reply. My wife of 23yrs asked to seperate in March and I moved out in April. We have had issues but never believed it was at that stage. I have been managing her chronic illness for several years and tried very hard to run the home, finances, etc. whilst still working full time. We are amicable and talking often. I see our sons 21 & 16 any time I want to. We still have a lot of respect and care for each other but not sure if we will find a way back. I love my wife very deeply as I always have. It has hit me extremely hard and in a very dark place at the moment. I am in a state of disbelief and consumed with severe grief and melancholy. I feel I have lost my identity as a husband, friend, lover, care giver, earner, confidante, etc. feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have anything that I look forward to anymore and nothing gives me any joy. It feels like the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer to the world. It's like I have been dropped back in front of the hospital where I was born 46 years ago to start life again. My feelings of complete displacement makes me feel like I don't belong here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is that I do not want my boys to go through the pain of losing me. I hate feeling like this. Why did this happen? What am I going to do now? But survive I must. I must!!! Thanks for listening.

WeAllNeedHelp Looking for advice
  • replies: 8

Hi all There is someone I have really taken an interest to in my workplace to the point where I'd like to ask him if he'd be happy to come out for a drink. We get along well and he seems a very lovely man. The only way I can contact him is if I see h... View more

Hi all There is someone I have really taken an interest to in my workplace to the point where I'd like to ask him if he'd be happy to come out for a drink. We get along well and he seems a very lovely man. The only way I can contact him is if I see him at work (which I never know when I will see him as It is shift work and we don't work together directly) or through work email (which I have sourced though my email). I am at the point where I feel like a teenage girl and always have him on my mind and think that I can't wait to ask him if it comes up in conversation as I don't know when I would see him again. Is this something you would all suggest be asked in person? Or would there be any harm in sending though an email? Any guidance would be great Anon

Goody658 Wife left for soulmate
  • replies: 7

Two months ago my wife of 10 years started to FB msg her old boyfriend from high school. At first i was a little concerned at the constant msg'ing however she said they were just friends who were catching up. A month later we were on a xmas holiday O... View more

Two months ago my wife of 10 years started to FB msg her old boyfriend from high school. At first i was a little concerned at the constant msg'ing however she said they were just friends who were catching up. A month later we were on a xmas holiday OS with family and she was still talking to him via FB almost on a daily basis. I questioned her on it and she told me that she was committed to me and our marriage, that she loves me and its nothing The holiday was great it was probably one of the best we felt so connected, even though she was still talking to this guy I felt OK as she has other guy friends and its fine. When we got home she wanted to go and meet him to catch up. I said sure no worries. A few days later, she was clingy and mopey I thought it was odd but didn't ask her about it. The next morning as i was going to work she was still in bed with tears in her eyes. I knew something was wrong so i asked her and she burst into tears. These tears were the worst kind of tears, she hugged me so tight it hurt and I’ll never forget the next sentience "babe i messed up". I thought Its OK she probably only slept with him we can get past this. No this was much worse. "I love him, I love him like nothing I have ever felt before I think he is my soulmate, I am so sorry i thought we were just friends". I was numb I was in shock not quite understanding what she was saying. It took us both surprise. The next morning I rolled over looking at my beautiful wife and reality kicked in. I just broke down the pain felt like she was going to die of a terminal disease. The next few days were a mix of denial, grief, acceptance and optimism and back again. We have been talking about our marriage and how this could happen she kept trying to tell me it’s not my fault and she still loves me, but this other guy has this power over her she’s never felt before, “he ticks box’s I didn’t know I needed”. We had some tough times with her suffering from chronic pain, depression, issues with her family and infertility. All these problems bought us closer together. 4 months ago after accepting that kids was not going to happen she said it’s the happiest she has been in years. That a great weight has been lifted. Now she is leaving with her soul mate, it feels that our marriage didn’t even matter I feel discarded, cheated and used. I know she is not coming back but I can’t let her go the pain is immense. I am struggling like never before. Thanks for listening.

Lost_traveler Newby wanting to shake narcissism
  • replies: 1

Gday all, I am mid 40's and have been in a relationship for four years. I have been marked as narcissistic and know that i am now that i have been told and read up on symptoms. I am trying to get away from being narcissistic but i always have a setba... View more

Gday all, I am mid 40's and have been in a relationship for four years. I have been marked as narcissistic and know that i am now that i have been told and read up on symptoms. I am trying to get away from being narcissistic but i always have a setback every couple of weeks that, now after 4 years in my current relationship I am starting to wonder if i can shake the stigma. Growing up I have not known any other way. My mother was a huge influence on me and i chose to surround myself with other narcs in the past 30 year's. From so called friends to bosses. I have little contact with my mother now (my own choice) to try and break the cycle. It has worked a bit but I still and tripping over and my wfe is at wits end... I don't want to loose her but am stuck trying to shake this demon. Are there any others out there that have shaken the narcissism? Thank you for reading.

shinanna Is it normal to experience symptoms of depression in your first relationship?
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I've just entered my first relationship at 20, and I've found myself becoming sadder and sadder, particularly when I'm alone. I'm an adult child of alcoholics, and feel as if i've become increasingly more aware of how that's affected me and... View more

Hi there, I've just entered my first relationship at 20, and I've found myself becoming sadder and sadder, particularly when I'm alone. I'm an adult child of alcoholics, and feel as if i've become increasingly more aware of how that's affected me and my relationships with people... particularly in an intimate relationship such as this. I'm finding it really difficult to adjust to being with someone... to not be so emotionally reactive to everything they do and say, and then become very critical of myself when I show any bit of emotion. I'm finding it so hard to be vulnerable, and then worry i'm becoming a burden on the other person. Due to these realisations, I just feel as if I won't break out of it no matter how hard I try, and that he would be better off if we weren't together I just wondered if perhaps anyone has had any similar experiences, or has any advice or tips for dealing with these feelings? Thank you