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denied over and over again.

Bonsaipetal
Community Member

Hi

We have been married for almost 16 years, and together for 22 years, have 2 teen children. 

This "friendship" began about 5 years ago and she is one of his staff. 

I knew this would be an issue when it first started and told him my concerns only to be met with denial and told that they are just friends. It still didn't feel right. I went to a psychologist to work through my issues as my father had an affair when I was a child. (I'm now over 50). It took me a couple of years of attempting to be ok with the friendship, and seeing a psychologist, before I realised it was ok for me to not feel comfortable with the relationship. Each time I was blamed for not being ok with it, and he said he was  lonely and had no friends so needed her. 

Finally he admitted that he loved her.....they are best friends....but that doesn't replace me. 

We have been to relationship counsellors, as soon as they mentioned he needed to end the friendship he wanted to stop going. I even found a counsellor he could relate to, but again he said no one is taking his side. 

2 weeks ago I found more lies and they flew interstate together. He lied over and over again and still denies they are more than just friends. I am being strong, but I can't believe he is not the person I believed he was. When does this shock end? 

5 Replies 5

Bonsaipetal
Community Member

I just wanted to add that he has since admitted that a psychiatrist and a psychologist have told him his behaviours with this woman and towards me are not ok. I feel so angry that he never told me this, just continued to let me be confused and reassess my thoughts and feelings over the last 4-5 years. The whole time it wasn't just me telling him that the behaviours weren't ok. I just felt like I was the one with the problem. 

I feel very stupid for putting up with this for so long. I really can't get my head around the way he has acted. 

Hello Bonsaipetal, your husband doesn't like to told to end this relationship with this work mate, so he is not going to go to anymore counselling, believing he is doing nothing wrong, well he has put an enormous wedge between the two of you, and from history she is most likely telling him to do one thing which he says is in the process, but he won't do, then problems will develop between them.

At the moment he says he has no friends, that's obvious because all he wants is his own way and has no respect for you or your 2 kids, and for him to go away interstate with her is not acceptable.

I can't tell you what to do, but as someone wanting to help you, I can only suggest that you tell him to move out of the house and separate with the intention of ending this marriage.

I say this because if by any chance this relationship ends he will be looking out to form another one.

I know how you must be feeling and I'm so sorry, but you may be much happier away from him and realise that he has to fulfill his obligation in financial support for the teen kids.

I would also think about selling the house, but this can be discussed later on.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Bonsaipetal

I am sorry you have doubted yourself fir so long.

you did to decide your boundaries and tell your husband whatyou want. Decide what yiu want don’t wait for him to tell you what he is doing. 
take care 

 

Thanks Geoff. 
Yes, I’ve decided I’ve tried long enough..but he clearly hasn’t even had the intention of putting our marriage first. I think he is making plans with her already but isn’t coming clean about it. She is still with her husband (second marriage). 
We have separated in home and will make it amicable so we can support our kids as best we can. 
I’m allowing myself days to be sad but, most days I’m being proactive. I need to work again and I’m in the 3rd year of a psych degree. I’m actually excited at the prospect of what the future brings and relieved that I no longer have to put up with lies. 
thank you for your reply. 

Thanks for replying. 
yes, I’ve said I want to separate. I’ll be getting advice on what is the best way forward in terms of living arrangements. If he has lied for so long then I can’t be naive enough to trust he will be honest moving forward. 
Unfortunately his affair partner is also causing issues with his business but he is spellbound by her. 🤨