I can't tolerate people but it must be me. What's wrong with me?

[CMF]

Hi all,

I find it really hard to tolerate people's behaviour. It affects me greatly & I'm sick of having to "suck it up". When I'm open with those who should support me they will agree with me but then support the other person. Examples = my partner's sis moved in with him & his boys after his divorce. She bought into his house & took over the wife/mother role. I belive to fulfill her life. It's been almost 4 years & I can't tolerate her. She's a nice person all about her, controlling, never gives us space when I'm there & takes advantage of him being People pleaser. She crowds us, listens to our conversations & intertupts/takes over. I've told him how I feel so many times, he says he understands but she'll eventually move out. He admits he can't stand up to her & is like a puppet.

I used to work at reception with a woman who constantly does her personal things at work. Online shopping, always on her mobile phone & letting work phone ring out. Others that worked with her all say she's been doing that for 10years & some of us have brought it up with management yet nothing gets done.

One of my current colleagues is paid to be a Team Leader. He is hardly around, always has an excuse to leave the office then work from home. He constantly sends work through incorrectly & it goes back & forth several times to get it right. He doesn't understand the systems & always makes up excuses ie his system is slow, he hasn't been there long & still new.. he runs around all puffed out but doing nothing. No one goes to him cos he doesn't know anything & tried to blame me for a big error. He's bluffing his way through. My manager is under pressure cos he offers no support. I've raised it with my manager several times, pointing out issues. She agrees, asks me to keep an eye on him, talks to him, but he continues to do it & get away with it, been doing it for over a year. Today she is pulling him up & telling him to step up but I'm still told some take longer to learn. She agrees he's taking advantage & not fulfilling his role but I'm almost told to go easy while he fluffs around & gets paid more than I.

It appears I have too many issues with people. Am I too honest? Too harsh? Are my expectations too high? I cannot deal with people taking advantage of others. It affects me too much.

I've come to the conclusion that the issue must be me.

Cmf

[smallwolf]

Hi CMF,

some of the things you mentioned sound like me ...

Am I too honest? Too harsh? Are my expectations too high? I cannot deal with people taking advantage of others

I wonder of people were critical of you when you were younger? Is there a perfectionist trait in you?

Maybe some of these are core beliefs and values? (re not liking people being taken advantage of.)

Some families situations are difficult to manage where (a) some will voice their opinions at siblings and parents and vice versa and wonder they there is tensions and (b) others do not voice their opinion because it no good can come of it. Experience.

(And the same can occur at work. And I fall into the group (b) and can also lead to resentment)

So while I don't know where your thoughts are on these matters, I wonder about your thoughts here?

[Juliet_84]

Hi CMF,

As someone who has experienced quite a bit of trauma at the hands of other people, I definitely hear you. I also find myself becoming irritated with people,’or just sick of the ego, or controlling behavior or other personality flaws that people possess (lazy, selfish etc). But I have just taken to distancing myself from those people and situations for my own mental health. Your workmate is lazy and slow at his job. You’ve raised it with your manager and ultimately it is her problem if she chooses to keep him around, your manager is under pressure because of his lack of support, and that is her problem for not dealing with the issue. Maybe she will only tolerate that for awhile before doing something about it. Focus on your work and make sure you do things to the standard that you like and that’s it. You will come across a lot of people like this in the workplace. Regarding your sister-in-law, that’s a bit of a tougher one and hopefully she is no longer living with you? But that is also your husbands responsibilities to set firm boundaries with her. Sometimes considering the reasons underlying the behavior can also be helpful. Your sister-in-law clearly has nothing going on in her life that she is trying to use her brother and his kids as a surrogate family in place of a partner, which must be very hard as she knows it is not the same and will eventually be taken away.

[Fiatlux]

Hi CMF,

Reformed Multi Tasking Perfectionist here… by that I mean that I have learned to be more tolerant of others flaws.

I have worked with people like that… fixing errors without making a fuss is hard at times but I am an Empath and now often wonder what is going on in the background of someone’s life.

From experience those who are genuinely lazy and inconsiderate in the workplace will be moved on in good time.

Pushing someone will not help your situation at all. A lot of people are going through anxiety and depression and other health issues that have impacted on our lives. I hate to admit it but my memory isn’t what it used to be.

With regards to the sister in law situation… have you considered that she may have no other option?

I know of many people who would love to move on to a place of their own but financially they just can’t do it.

Its not you… it’s everywhere. We are living in very uncertain times. I have never ever been so stressed about the future than at this point in my life.

Maybe a good heart to heart will clear the air with your sister in law.

[CMF]

Hi all, thanks for your thoughts.

Yes it is partly my core beliefs & I can be a perfectionist although I'm very understanding. The team leader I can't tolerate cos of his position & what he should be doing.

Re his sis. My partner & I are not married nor do we live together. She had money & her own house.She had a partner of 11 years but they broke up after she moved in with her brother. He did nothing for her & once she had the company of her brother & kids to fill the void she ended it. Met someone else not long after but after a year found he was cheating. Within a month met her current man. Been together about 5 months now. My partner admitted she won't move out till she has a guy to live with despite living alone previously. She has lots of friends too. She's a nice person but she owns them now and they feel indebted cos she saved the family home for them. She's just a bit too intrusive & overbearing for me. My partner now goes to his room when we talk on the phone otherwise she talks to him while we are talking. I re did his bedroom. She followed us and already had rugs picked out for him. It was my project. He thought I must have asked her opinion. I hadn't. She has privacy with her man but we only have some if he comes to my house.we only go out on Sundays. She has invited herself once & also when their mum asked her to help with something she left it to us so she could go out with her man.

My partner & I have been together nearly 4 years & she's been there nearly 4 years.

[harmony86]

I think you sound like a great person who takes notice of wrong doing and prefers things getting done correctly. I can relate to a similar cycle taking place across every area of my life - work, family, friends and a times strangers.

Imagine if you tolerated the behaviour as described in your post what kind of impact would it have on yourself and others.

I had a similar team leader by the way and noticed this in several work places across Australia. Very relaxed fun lady loved taking a smoking break every 2 seconds even during busy hours, showed up late and hardly took any accountability.

All l can say is you need to be yourself. Don't change for anyone. In saying so remember to respect people when you interact with them.

I know some people take advantage when you respect them but if you have to put a message across do it in the most clearest way possible. You will know what approach to take in each situation. Just remember to be respectful.

Some people are very sensitive to different forms of feedback / messages (doesn't matter positive or negative) . I used to give some clients small gifts after work and some didn't like that at all which l totally get ☺️

AIso your ability to question yourself / actions on here and want to take accountability proves a great quality most don't have.

[quirkywords]

CMF 

I relate to this thread a lot. Thanks. How are yiu going now