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Living and coping with a narcissist husband

Denham123
Community Member

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic.
I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most recent behaviour I now know is that there is no room for my personal growth. I have not grown in those 9 years through manipulation, fear, fighting constantly, putting insecurities in me by the very person who is supposed to protect me from all my vulnerabilities.

we had a really big fight on Tuesday night. I asked why is he still hanging around. Why can’t you leave me alone. Why can’t you go live life and be happy.

he said it’s because he made a promise to my mum whiles she was in her death bed. I told him, she’s gone and leave her in peace.
now I’m thinking my mum has passed away, it’s been 9 years since she passed away and I’m the one living, alive and breathing. What about the promise you made to me when we exchanged vows. Where’s the love. All the vows are dead, I’m just existing. Not living life. I want to better myself but every time I do that, all my efforts bears no fruit.
I don’t get acknowledged, I don’t get validated, I don’t get the thanks, Im not getting anything by staying in this marriage.

people would say I live in a Nice house in a nice suburb and I should be grateful. Yet constant fighting, arguing what the hell. I live where I’m not paying rent, nor mortgage nor buying food, medicine etc. I don’t cook, clean or anything. All I do is watch videos, study when I want to, sleep when I’m sleepy.

what behaviour are you seeing?

7 Replies 7

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear Denham,

I am so sorry your going through this...

I first heard the word Narcissist here on Beyond Blue...then I looked it up and sure enough it described my husband..

I lived 38 years with my narcissistic husband...I lost 38 years of my life and freedom, my children lost their entire childhood to him....My children and myself are survivors....Had my husband not passed away 9 years ago...I would probably still be living wth him...if I survived that....which I don’t think I would have...

I had no life when I was with him...he totally controlled my life, clothes I wore, the way I looked, what to eat, what to cook, what to say...100% of my life was his to do what he wanted to do with it....Our children’s lives, also belonged to him....

They don’t change...because that’s who they are and they really deeply believe that they are put on this earth to be the ruler of their domain...They can do no wrong...they feel above everyone else and belittles, hurts and controls the ones they think they own, their spouse and kids...by threatening and in my case caring out those threats with physical violence...

I would love to advise you to leave him...but I cannot do that...that’s a decision that only you can make...First of all lovely Denham is you, your safety, your mental health...these you need to care for the very best you can...

After my husband passed away...I was so lost..not knowing basic living skills...All that had been taken away from me....I married him when I was only 18...he passed away when I was in my mid 50s....in all that time..I wasn’t allowed to think for myself...I was still that 18year old frightened and timid child I was when I first married him...

Every one of his friends...I had none...thought he was the best person in the world...you see, outside of our closed doors he was a different person and so accommodating to them....because he couldn’t manipulate them...His house was his castle, he was the king...I was his servant...

Please Dear Denham...Reach out to your Dr. or someone you trust...and please keep yourself safe..

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

Denham123
Community Member

Dear Grandy, thank you for your reply.

I’ve changed my tone with my husband and I think he knows what I know about him. I can feel his losing his control over me. Today without yelling he picked up the vacuum and vacuumed the whole house. He emptied the dishwasher, and put away his phone. Usually I have to yell, and yell at the top of my lungs to get him to do his chores. He’s always on the phone chatting jokes with his friends. But not today.

I cooked food in silence. Made what I felt was easiest. He was about to throw a tantrum. Told him if he does not want to eat, go cook something for yourself. And now he’s trying to make small conversations. Usually he would be chatting with his friends. So I know he won’t keep up. He will slide once I let my guard down. But not this time.

I used to tell myself that there is hope. I think I was lying to myself. I don’t think that there is any hope. It’s a false lie that society builds in us.

regards,

Denham

Denham123
Community Member

Dear Grandy,

im so sorry to hear of your troubles. It’s really hard isn’t it. I’m so sorry that you lost all those years with your husband without realising those behaviours. We don’t know any better. We are born to survive. And you and your children are survivors.

the Years of abuse cannot be healed overtime. Everyone else believes the narcissistic persons but they never know what happens behind closed doors.

regards,

denham.

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear Denham,

I agree with you, that years of abuse cannot be healed, even over time....many people who haven’t been through DV think that..yeah it’s in the past...forget about it and move on....That statement at times hurts me...because even though physical abuse does heal...the emotional abuse leaves un healing scares imbedded into our soul....

I am a bit apprehensive to say I’m pleased that he is a bit more accommodating and respectful towards you...but please don’t let your guard down....My husband used to have times that he would “change” his mannerism when he thought he went a bit too far with things he said and done to me....unfortunately it didn’t last...because these were the times that he “wasn’t himself” these were the times that he was playing with my mind....and it didn’t last more then a day or two....Please be careful and stay safe...

I do hope sweet lady, that things remain the way they are with your husband...and he continues to be respectful towards you...

Here if you need to talk...and please keep us updated if you feel up to it...

My kindest thoughts and care dear Denham..

Grandy..

Fiatlux
Community Member

Hi Denham123,

I am married to a Narcissist. We met when I was 17, he 22. I am so brainwashed that I am still true to my vows as we are again living under the same roof. I merely exist next to him.

I too had no name for my ‘Narcissist’. It wasn’t until 32 years into the marriage that I started taking steps to leave. My children were all grown up by then.

I am unsure if you have children yet, but being raised by a narcissistic parent is terrible for children. They spare no one with their abusive behaviour. My narcissist has been awful to his mother his entire life but tries to care for her now that she’s in her 80’s. She mainly cooks and bakes for him and he eats.

Our children were not spared either. The one act that broke me, was when our daughter was getting married. Everything was fine until the morning of the wedding when my husband refused to even get out of bed for the nuptials. They really are that cruel. My daughter was devastated when she realised that her father didn’t show up for her wedding.

I won’t elaborate further on my narcissist, as I could write a book.

The real problem that I struggle with is not trusting anyone anymore. When people have genuinely been nice and caring, I am suspicious that they are just manipulative to get something from me.

I stay with my Narc as somehow over the years I have learnt how to deal with him.

I am unsure if there is a cure or treatment for NPD.

Take care and look after yourself first.

Dear Fiatlux,

thank you for your input. I really appreciate hearing your life experiences with a narcissistic partner.
it’s encouraging for me to remain strong. Today I’m feeling weak and I feel like crawling back to him. I’m very sad today, feel very alone and have no interest in anything. I’m having anxiety thoughts and I want to by hugged by my husband who is a narcissistic because I did fall in love with him. And I still love him. It’s really hard putting my guard up.

denham

Dear Denham

i so understand you. I am in a similar situation, i feel so alone, I am constantly ignored by my partner but I am not ready to leave him. I need a hug from him, I need a connection…