Dejected Liar - Missing Family

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble.
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Con,

Welcome to the community forums and thank you for expressing your situation with such frank openness.

There is much in what you say that has answered your own question: change must start from within and you have been taking positive steps to make that change...

Your psychologist, and placing your complete trust and faith in your wife's determination, demonstrate complete honesty - to relinquish any control or intervention takes much personal willpower.

Be careful not to let your mind play tricks on you where you start reading things into phone calls and 'tone of voice' - always rely on facts, not suspicions. Your positive mood and support may be the best way to present a sincere desire to adopt change.

Now, you must believe your wife's inherent love for you will rise above the faults.

Continue to address your own inner mechanisms while your wife reconciles hers.

Regards,

t.

[Dejected_Liar]

HI T,

Thanks for the reply.

I do trust my wife and whilst relinquishing control has been hard I've done it and after discussions last night with mum and further more with my psychologist tonight, I have come up with a few points of change but one I think would be big is as she has been on her own with the boys for the past 2-3 weeks, I will ask her how she wants to run the household to give her the control back. Hoping she would accept that?

One of my biggest problems is besides being a highly anxious person I do tend to overthink a lot of situations and do read into things like you have mentioned above. This is something that is going to be hard for me to overcome/change but one I'm willing to put all my effort into.

Being on my own (whilst its only been for 2-3 weeks and others have been alone for longer) it is difficult to remain positive however keeping a healthy/mind body has helped and knowing they are coming back is the biggest driving factor. This next week is going to be huge as she is going to be with her parents and as I mentioned above I cant control what is going to be said, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned.

She has asked for space whilst she is at her parents, which I will give her but how much space is enough when I do want to speak with the boys and my wife. Every second day do I get in contact I got no idea as I don't want to upset her.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Con,

I agree, solitude can be an agitator for rampant and wayward thoughts, and naturally you are concerned. You are wise to keep active and distracted from things beyond your control.

"I will ask her how she wants to run the household" - this may be be taken as 'offloading' responsibility. Maybe you could ask instead, what you could do to ease the burden of running the household. Showing support involves being there to carry the load as required.

Respecting your wife's wishes for space requires much restraint on your part, although I do understand your desire to call every other day. Perhaps you could ask this of your wife, what she would feel comfortable with - even showing the fortitude and maturity to allow her to initiate the call herself if it makes her feel reassured (remember, you asked how you could 'show' you are doing the right thing).

A willingness to place yourself second to the relationship (family unit) would be a strong indicator of change.

Regards,

t.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Dejected Liar.

You are very brave for reaching out for support and I imagine that you are going through a lot of pain and hurt about your current situation. Especially in these times, things can put a strain on all our daily living activities. You mentioned that you seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks - that's fantastic - you are already seeking assistance and you accept that you probably have inappropriate behavior that you need to address. They are big achievements in themselves.

Continue to see your health professional, try to activity listen to them and work at an action plan that you can work with to help improve your mental and physical wellness.

Keep your chin up, tell yourself every day how great of a person you are - because you deserve self-compassion - show your wife how much you can turn this around.

Best of luck.

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all, Whilst it may seem that I am being brave the only one who is brave at the moment is my wife. All I'm trying to do is right a wrong and show her (I know it takes baby steps) that I'm a changing man.

With the below I will run it by her tonight and see what she has to say:

"I will ask her how she wants to run the household" - this may be be taken as 'offloading' responsibility. Maybe you could ask instead, what you could do to ease the burden of running the household. Showing support involves being there to carry the load as required.

Whilst I respect her wishes for space and will allow her to initiate the calls rather than me doing it what is bothering me is what if she doesn't call for the whole week. Do I just go and accept that and not speak with her or the kids?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Con,

"what if she doesn't call for the whole week"

Watch out for those 'what ifs', Con, and just try to be sympathetic to her feelings and needs when in conversation - nothing should be as ultimatums. 'Wanting space' could be precisely that, and your full cooperation with her request, although hard to accept, is demonstrating a compassionate approach.

Even the expression "will allow her to initiate the calls" can sound controlling - so give your wife freedom to do what she feels best. Your patience and understanding will be a sign of virtue, as will your sacrifice of not talking to your boys should your wife decide on this. Be sure to discuss this with an open mind, express your feelings but be gentle.

Regards,

t.

[DamienD]

Hi Con. Im jealous. I was in the same situation with my wife of 20 years but I failed to take actions to stop doing what I was doing but you still have a chance - thus the jealousy.

You can fix things in a relationship as long as the two people want to fix it so you have hope.

In my wifes case it got to the point after many lies and infidelities by me where she realised I could not change and she stopped caring and after that she became unreachable.

She did the right thing so don't be like me and make a real effort before you lose her. Im not sure what that would entail but it has to be tangible and long term imo.

if you think hard and decide that you'll probably never be able to change my one regret is that I didnt tell her so early and spare my family the pain I caused them.

Good luck.

[ecomama]

Hi Con

Welcome to the forums. You have been very brave coming online here and seeking other's voices on what you're going through.

Confessing that you've been lying to your wife is difficult also, most esp with her.
Seeking help from a psych is also admirable.

I think you're doing well!

Is the psych helping you deal with the root causes of your habits of lying?
I'm feeling there must be some deep seated reasons for lying to your spouse continuously.

Have you been the one to disclose your lies or has your wife had to find out about them without you coming clean first?
There's a HUGE difference there. The difference could also be the difference between the paths forward your wife may see.

Being with a lying spouse is thoroughly exhausting. I know from experience. LOTS of it lol.
One previous husband lied but came clean immediately - I admire this "honesty" and it helped us co-parent really well after we separated. I left because of infidelity.
I pity his current wife as he has not changed, in fact became far worse.
I am SO glad I left.
Another one was a compulsive liar and basically a terribly evil person.
Not even hard evidence would have him admit his lies.
We are all NC with this person.
NOTHING could have made me stay.

So I understand your concern about your wife needing space.
I completely understand your wife's NEED for space and a lot of it. For me I can experience "normality" without dealing with the lying.

One of my adult children's marriages split this year and the children have a 6pm call with the parent they are not with. This is a really good thing for the children and BOTH parents as they can all keep in touch. It's a week about arrangement.
I think that would be a lovely option for you to have contact with the children for a while each day.

If you can have this call each day with the children, please don't use that call to make contact with your wife.
You can text her and ask if she can call after the kids are in bed or such - this works well but she doesn't have to talk to you.

Once a week to talk through issues is PLENTY lol.
A tip - can you highlight any progress you've made? BE HONEST lol.
Can you let her know if you did any extra job inside the house or in the garden? Something that might make her think of your home together and that you're thinking of this too?

Best wishes.
I think you're doing well!
EM

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi T,

Thanks again for the reply. There has been an update from last night. I've spoken with them and agreed that she will call when it is appropriate. Be its once, twice 4 times it'll be what it'll be. The last thing I want to do is push her further away.

I will be able to keep myself occupied during the next week...weekend is going to be difficult but if I look after myself mentally hopefully all the other things will fall into place when they return next Friday.