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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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SJ050 Another relationship lacking intimacy
  • replies: 9

Hi Everybody I was wondering what do people do that have a lack of intimacy in their relationship? A sexless marriage if you prefer the term. I am 51 and my wife is 40, we have 3 children 8,6 & 6. We both work full time and don’t have hardly any supp... View more

Hi Everybody I was wondering what do people do that have a lack of intimacy in their relationship? A sexless marriage if you prefer the term. I am 51 and my wife is 40, we have 3 children 8,6 & 6. We both work full time and don’t have hardly any support from family in regards to help with the children, so you can see life is not easy at times. Over the past year my wife had become less and less interested in having sex with me. I do my best to help with housework, I’d say doing more than half , give her foot rubs when ever she complains her feet are sore etc etc She says I am a loyal a selfless husband and that she doesn’t appreciate me as much as she should. What do you do when both sex drives are do far apart it is really impacting my ability to be the good husband I want to be ? We have only had sex once since November and she doesn’t understand what my problem is. My needs are at least once a week minimum. She won’t really talk about it and didn’t seem to keen to go to go to counseling when I suggested it. I don’t want to be the typical cheating husband and seek extra marital affairs as I would much rather be making love to my gorgeous wife. Is this the answer? Sorry people this has probably been bought up a thousand times but it is absolutely sending me crazy. It’s like having a Ferrari in the garage that you are not allowed to even look at let alone drive, but hey you know you have one.

Aria87 My Husband VS My Family
  • replies: 9

For many years my husband has been "putting up"with how my family behave. I used to cover up for them whenever they would be in the wrong, assuming it would help him just move on from the situation as i believe you cannot change people and at the end... View more

For many years my husband has been "putting up"with how my family behave. I used to cover up for them whenever they would be in the wrong, assuming it would help him just move on from the situation as i believe you cannot change people and at the end of the day im used to how my family are. December came to breaking point, where i had an argument with a sibling, which lead to my husband letting out all his frustration against my family. Which lead me to confronting people and their behavious, in which they have all learn how to speak to in laws etc. My mother is a big help in my life, now my husband refuses to help drop off our son at her house as he doesn't want to see her until hes ready. This brings a huge divide for me as my family want to apologize to him to work and move on from the siutation. My husband feels if he does this he is giving in and it will only happen again. Ive made it VERY clear the boundaries noone can cross. Im not expecting my husband to have daily lunches with any of my family. But i do wish he would just let my mum know whats bothered him, allowed her to apologize and we learn and move on from this. My husband needs more time, but the more time the more its oging to break more relationships and this gives me massive anxiety. I feel i cant turn to any family as they will just keep pushing me to fix my husband, ad i cant keep pushing my husband because im afraid he will loose it. Please help

JennyA Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex
  • replies: 27

Married 29 years. Both Christian upbringing. No sex before marriage. I was naive, especially when I was young & loved my husband. I could never believe he could hurt me. 5 years into our marriage, I saw he was looking at porn. I was devastated. Same ... View more

Married 29 years. Both Christian upbringing. No sex before marriage. I was naive, especially when I was young & loved my husband. I could never believe he could hurt me. 5 years into our marriage, I saw he was looking at porn. I was devastated. Same issue resurfaced 2 more times over next 15 years. It’s to the point where we agree we both have a diff view on what's right & wrong. I classify porn as cheating &he thinks having a look is ok. In our arguing he says looking at women is enjoyable, just as looking at men is pleasurable for a woman (I did enjoy watching Magic Mike) & it doesn't mean he loves me less. We compromised 7 years ago, porn is not allowed & he can look at anything else long as it doesn't cross the line we made. This was a fair compromise &he has kept his end of the bargain, but Ive not been unable to recover from the damage he did in the past. We cant watch a movie together if nude/semi clad female, is on screen. We cant see sexy women walk by. These things just make me so angry that I know my husband is "enjoying" looking & feeding his desire to look at things that fuel his sexual thoughts. Like most men, he's a very sexual person with a high sex drive & wants orgasms often. He is very unselfish in the bedroom & takes even more pleasure than I do, about seeing me satisfied every time. I don't have the same drive & wouldn't miss it if we stopped but I have come to enjoy & want it more over the last 15 years. But every time we get to a good place, something happens.He says we need to be on the same page when it comes to enjoying all things sexual. He thinks I should enjoy the topic of sex more, so we won't fight so much about everyday sexual things. He calls me conservative & heavily blames our upbringing for the way I think about sex. I am still a believer in Christ but he has become sceptical over the years. Even though he betrayed me by looking at porn, he is very loyal & has never physically cheated on me. We’re both proud that we’ve only had ourselves as sexual partners. I have deep issues in me that have been caused by his actions & now this problem has invaded every other part of our lives to the point that we now have a sexless marriage. He can't believe that I haven't pleasured myself in months & can't understand it's not important to me like it is to him. We went to a counselor and it didn't solve much as we disagree on the topic. I don’t want divorce but we’re so far apart on this topic I feel we are unable to reconcile

LoveLost980 Last legs
  • replies: 7

How do you tell when it's time to cut your losses and move on? We've been married for 34 years. We say we still love each other but I suspect it is a very different interpretation of love that each of us has. I know that love changes as you get older... View more

How do you tell when it's time to cut your losses and move on? We've been married for 34 years. We say we still love each other but I suspect it is a very different interpretation of love that each of us has. I know that love changes as you get older (not yet 60), but I just wasn't expecting the different rates of change. When one person still longs for passion and intimacy whilst the other is happy with a polite peck, and doesn't miss anything more, then it creates problems! How do other people cope? I think I'm normal! I still want to hold hands, snuggle on the couch, kiss hello, goodbye and even make love occasionally! I seem to ask for constant reassurances that she still loves me and wants to be together. I desperately want to remain together because I love her. I get very frustrated because I can see how it could be but I also get quite despondent and moody at times because I want to feel needed physically in some way. I long to have someone reach out for me; even if it's to hug. Has anyone else had these issues?

unknownalivebutnotlivinga About me
  • replies: 1

Hi, ok so here it goes. I’m catholic Iraqi grew up in Melb + Queensland with half Aussie cousins (I look up to my Aussie aunts + fam). In Melb lived with my family for about 20 years they have never accepted me for who I am even tho they are my biolo... View more

Hi, ok so here it goes. I’m catholic Iraqi grew up in Melb + Queensland with half Aussie cousins (I look up to my Aussie aunts + fam). In Melb lived with my family for about 20 years they have never accepted me for who I am even tho they are my biological parents + brother, during that time I was: sad, anxious, angry at them, low: self-confidence, confidence, self-esteem, quiet, didn’t talk much at home and at school mainly in my room unless if I’m going to get something to eat, going out with friends, we haven’t done family time in a while, always told “be like “name” cause they are such good kids and your not you are the worst person”, parents never let me go out and half the time they’d lock the door so I don’t leave and say “ I need to spend more time with them and if not ill take all your things away (or kill me). I’m always being told off for the things I do in + outside of the house, mum would constantly yell at me for everything I do, mum would complain (I’d be complaining also) about my weight, late year 10 I exercised then became anorexic from start of year 11 - mid year 12 (it didn’t last very long cause mum kept forcing food into me and not let me eat my own food I make and had to be in hospitals, when we make time and i tell them whats been happening they don’t respect my friendships and I want them to. Had a group of friends during mid - late primary, early highschool - mid highschool after then i only had one best friend and she’d come to my place 6-7 times most of the time she’d only come to pick me up so we can go out, and mum wants to spend time with my friends family she’d talk about their life and past problems about each of the family members and then she’d tell me “when are they gonna leave cause auntie, uncle or cousins are coming over i’m bored idk what else to talk about” behind their backs in another room with me and when they are not in site she’d tell me “not hang out with them often cause anything bad could happen and I don’t trust her” she doesn’t trust my friends + disrespectful to me + my friends. I wanted to share what was happening to me to my friends then but deep down I was too scared if my parents would hurt them. My friends all left cause i was too quiet for them. Also never had a proper job cause my parents didn’t allow it cause “I should be focusing on school/uni so I can get high marks” she’d force me, have been applying for jobs since 18 and still don’t have one. Who can relate?

Bee1998 My Suspicions Were Right All Along- He Had An Affair :(
  • replies: 3

I caught my partner of 2 and a half years with his co-worker last night at their work. After having suspicions of him having an affair with her for the past year, they have finally been confirmed (thanks to me catching them out). It started off last ... View more

I caught my partner of 2 and a half years with his co-worker last night at their work. After having suspicions of him having an affair with her for the past year, they have finally been confirmed (thanks to me catching them out). It started off last night with my partner never coming home from work. I called him and texted him several times and received no answers. I was worried sick. I was constantly searching Vic Traffic Incidents to see if he could have had a car accident. I nearly brought myself to calling all of the local hospitals to see if he was there. 5 hour shift passed and I was nearly vomiting with anxiety. So I decided to drive around to spots where I thought he could possibly be. No luck. Then, my step dad drove me to search one more time. We decided to go past his work to see if he was there. To my amazement, I found his car parked in the driveway, along with another car with a green P plate. I knew immediately that he was there with that girl. I ended up knocking on the door. Eventually, he unlocked it and opened the door. I asked him, “What are you doing here?” He told me he was talking with Taleah (his co-worker). This was 10pm when I caught him there at his work. I barged into the door and asked where she was. He told me she had locked herself in the toilet because she was scared of me. (She hid in there before I even went inside), so she was obviously hiding because she knew she was in the wrong. I was hysterical by this point. Asking to speak to her and ask her what was going on. My partner kept restraining me and telling me to leave her alone (as if she was his girlfriend and not me). He was defending her the entire time , and yelling at me to stay away from her. (Keep in mind, I wasn’t being physical whatsoever , and I was actually keeping my cool pretty well, seeing as though I just caught my long-term partner having an affair). She eventually came out of the toilet and was yelling at me to leave otherwise she’d call the police. (As if I was the bad person, and she was the victim)???... I was so confused and angry and hurt. My partner kept blaming me for it all , saying that he can’t ever talk to me about anything because I always rebut him. (He has never bothered to tell me anything, and I ask him frequently if he is okay , or if there is anything he wants to talk about or is unhappy about). He still hasn’t contacted me or said a word. I told him last night that we are over (and I meant it). But I am really struggling with coping.

Bully77 Is my marriage over?
  • replies: 7

We have been togethor for 18 years, married for 14, with 4 kids. My wife has a very needy friend, who has moved from the city to the country, about an hour and a half north of where we live, about 4 years ago. For the past 2 and a half years, my wife... View more

We have been togethor for 18 years, married for 14, with 4 kids. My wife has a very needy friend, who has moved from the city to the country, about an hour and a half north of where we live, about 4 years ago. For the past 2 and a half years, my wife has been going & staying there every friday night, drinking excessively, and not coming home until late saturday afternoon. Around the time she started going there, she also stopped having sex with me, we only had sex once last year. I work long hours, six days a week, to make ends meet , as she doesn't work, which means our kids (14, 12, 6 and 4), are left home alone on saturday mornings, which she thinks is ok. Late last year, my ex brother in law messaged me, saying my wife was sleeping with a guy when she going to her friends. Of course my wife denied it, promising me I was the only person she had slept with since she was 15. She promised that she wouldn't keep going there every week, but has ended up going there every week since, but still denies anything is going on. Then today was our daughters birthday, and she still decided to go there, saying we would do birthday cake & dinner for our daughter tomorrow night. I feel like I am being played, but she insists all she is doing is spending time with her friend (who I don't like, and neither do her 2 sisters or her mum). What do I do? I love my wife & dont want to throw away 18 years, but I can't live like this. I have even contemplated suicide, but I know my kids need me & I couldn't do that to them. Help!

mocha delight Bad news
  • replies: 4

I really don’t know how to feel right now as I got news at about 11:10pm ish that my grandma passed away. But all I know is I’m feeling very numb/sad/upset/hurt/pain/emotionless/emotional all at once which is that even normal for someone who most lik... View more

I really don’t know how to feel right now as I got news at about 11:10pm ish that my grandma passed away. But all I know is I’m feeling very numb/sad/upset/hurt/pain/emotionless/emotional all at once which is that even normal for someone who most likely has depression? All these emotions are running rampant in my head still and my mind is going a million miles like an hour. I just don’t how to deal with all this or how I’m going to get through the night with all this pain & hurt ect ect ect and not to mention for some time I’ve barely been sleeping at all. The only thing that helped numb anything like this was major binge eating until I felt nothing which I’ve done a bit of it but it’s not helping this time at all.

Michael5667 Dealing with the pain of letting someone go.
  • replies: 10

I love my wife of 25yrs it hurts to say it. I guess we got into a rut, she's been feeling it for the last 3 yrs and wanted separation then. Me (head in clouds) thought we could work through it. We got to our 25th anniversary and I took her away for t... View more

I love my wife of 25yrs it hurts to say it. I guess we got into a rut, she's been feeling it for the last 3 yrs and wanted separation then. Me (head in clouds) thought we could work through it. We got to our 25th anniversary and I took her away for the weekend. We had a great time. Back home she said she only went along as she knew how important it was for me to do 25th and she still wanted separation. Last year I caught her lying. I wasn't spying. She was going to a party. She lied about who picked her up. She lied for about 3 weeks, told me I would have got the wrong impression. I wasn't the jealous type [then]had she told me who, I would have been fine with it. I would never have suspected them having an affair in a million years. Two completely different people from completely different cultures and a bigger age difference. I found out recently she was having an affair for sure, I overheard her talking to our guest/family who are staying with us atm. As you can imagine I'm heartbroken to the point I can't cope, sleep, eat, I'm anxious, depressed, angry, jealous and bitter. She says we were finished a long time ago. We've been talking about what's been going on and the more I get from her the more hurt and betrayed I am. She took a trip abroad to see her mum and I find out he was there. They had a 7 day mini break touring towns and cities with no agenda, not knowing where you're going, exploring etc, staying in random hotels. EVERYTHING I've been trying to get my wife to do with me for the last 10 yrs. I also found out that he's been pursuing her at work for app 4yrs(unknown to my wife), even though he's married and his culture would frown on his actions. He's been constantly asking her out mythering her and she's refused many times. Looking back I remember now she did say he asked her out a couple of years ago and she laughed it off as he's a lot older. To shut him up she finally relented. My wife mis diagnosed herself as having MS and this doctor helped her to see specialist friends of his who calmed the situation, nothing wrong with her. Then he had a medical drama and nearly died. She was distraught and I couldn't understand why. They confided in each other and must have grown close. But I blame him entirely for abusing his position in work to pursue her. I can't do anything as he's not her doctor. He can't leave his arranged marriage and I don't want her to be his bit on the side. How can I let her go but not be with him ?

LifetimeDreamer No longer know what to do, think and feel - Please help
  • replies: 3

Hello Everyone, I have been in a relationship or something like it for over a year. The man I am with separated from his wife in 2018 but they parted in anger. That played on his mind for a long time and he could not move on. Half way through 2019, h... View more

Hello Everyone, I have been in a relationship or something like it for over a year. The man I am with separated from his wife in 2018 but they parted in anger. That played on his mind for a long time and he could not move on. Half way through 2019, he realised that he has to face his demons after trying to push all the pain and grief away for too long, not accepting any of the pain. We went on and off because of that - him telling me he wants me in his life but also ending our relationship because he knew he had unfinished business. I was heartbroken because I love him dearly but accepted that it had to be over despite my wishes for a future with him. After I went away for a while (no contact with him), I came back and he pulled me in again. We have always had a very close, intimate and very beautiful link to each other, so we both feel very drawn to each other. So after he started things again, the issues with his ex-wife were still not dealt with. He did not want to be with her (no love, not connection and she had moved away). However, he also still couldn't let go and didn't know why (it was likely guilt and the feeling of failure). So he said he had to face her to finally get closure. That didn't work well because she simply resigned from her job, booked a flight and moved back into their home (where he lives). She arranged for counselling and while she thought they would do it to save the marriage, he resented her and chose to use counselling to try and make her understand that this marriage was really over. But until then, he ended things with me again knowing he needed to finalise things with her. Or actually I ended it somewhat when he told me that he agreed to her coming back. In the end, 1.5 months ago, he finally ended it completely. He struggled with that a lot because he did not want to be the bad guy - he seems to have real issues with feeling like he is hurting someone. She (an addict) also made him responsible for everything although she largely contributed to the failed marriage. She finally packed up her part of the house and moved interstate for good. But since then, although he says he made the right decision, he is in a real depression phase and I am worried about him. He now told me today that he currently feels anxiety at the thought of us going on two trips together that we had planned and booked when he was still excited (before she left). I believe grief has finally hit him and so now we have to cancel the trips.