The changeover

[Samvv]

I'm pregnant and single, I'm 35 and until the pregnancy began I didn't matter to me. I never had anything to live for and I chose to be a mother because if I didn't, I wouldn't have gone on living anymore, I didn't see the point.

That life, that person is fading away and thank god, she had no hope. God has given me a new heart through my son.

I have 3 months to go, left his abusive father and have fought so hard for my baby, even fought myself for him. He is such a gift to me.

I am writing with a BUT, but... who is he? I honestly scare myself with this thought: imagine one day someone rang the doorbell and you answered to find a baby on the doorstep with a note saying you are the mother. You can't argue, can't avoid the DNA says it's yours and the father is nowhere.

You've been nothing but a depressed flaky bum all your life until this moment and you have absolutely no idea how that is all going to change for the sake of this helpless innocent stranger who already knows you and loves you, but you don't even know who you are anymore.

The person I was is gone like some whirlwind snatched her away and left me in her place... A mother? A single mother? How the heck am I going to be a mother when I often forget I am even pregnant?

I have to remind myself I'm not making preparations for some short term visitor.

I am reminded when he kicks me.

Sometimes, like right now I feel so out of my depth, so vulnerable. I'm jobless, no car I've just left abuse and come out of homelessness, come out of running and hiding, years of it. I have support but I know this is really all on me.

I am 35 and still have not worked out a future but I will do anything not to fail him like I failed myself and there is nothing left standing in my way.

I'm just sitting here once again crying with fear where nobody else can view my weakness and I know that's only natural. If I show my weakness to the people in my life they will prey on it and I've got to be smarter than that.

Only 3 months to go and I still can't believe this is happening, I wake up every day and remind myself this isn't a dream.

I am so confused inbetween this changeover between my old and new self. I like the new better but id be a liar if I said I knew who she is. I have no idea who I am becoming, and it's all so heavy sometimes.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone? If only I could put into proper words how completely mind boggling this is.

[Samvv]

Never mind, I did some 3am reading and found an answer.

The word is matriecence I think that is how it is spelt.

Its a beautiful word I read about in an article I found on Google, I'll post it here later for other new mums.

The word refers to a kind of changeover. Becoming a woman.

For me it was left later but I don't regret that, I spent a lot of time exploring myself and thus I don't anticipate having some of the resentment and regrets younger mother's write about, because I finally found what evaded me for do long, purpose, self value, tradition.

Its a word that is largely unknown because woman often don't recognise the changes they go through becoming a mother and leaving the old me behind is am exact example to myself of being on a right track.

[therising]

Hi Samvv

Sounds like you have been raising yourself bravely and magnificently in the lead up to meeting a beautiful little gift who will definitely help raise you even further.

I'm Mum to a 14yo boy and 17yo gal and I can tell you there are no words that can accurately describe the gratitude I have towards my babies. They have raised me well, through smiles and incredible challenges. It has been a long road in regard to giving up parts of who I used to be, in favour of living as my most natural self. My kids have played a huge part. From looking for every way I can possibly think of to live for them (during some of my darkest days in depression some years back) through to gaining skills in the art of reasoning and adventure, we've raised each other in extraordinary ways. We have taught each other to be fearless.

I believe what raises us as people and especially as mums is the need to rise to challenges. There's nothing quite like the devotion toward our child or children to push us to our limits and sometimes beyond. To rise to greater patience than ever before, to rise to greater understanding and consciousness than ever before and to rise to having to let go of some self doubt are all things that shape us, reform us. This reminds me of a quote from the great artist Michelangelo

'I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free'

It's like our child carves away at all the self limiting beliefs that can sometimes ground us in darkness and self doubt until, one day, we find that they have been gradually setting us free to become the person we were always meant to be. From delicate little brushes that sweep away (experienced as the small challenges) through to what can feel like big whopping chiseled out chunks of who we once were (experienced as the enormous challenges), all shape us, one step at a time. A masterpiece does not happen all at once 🙂

So glad to hear you mention you have support. Important to have people who can help raise us through the insanity and uncertainty that comes with becoming a mum.

It's definitely hard to put our finger on where we're at when we're in the midst of a process. Although we can face uncertainty in regard to the road ahead, one thing does remain certain...

we have come far.

Take care and sweet blessings to you and your beautiful gift 🙂