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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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unknownalivebutnotlivinga About me
  • replies: 1

Hi, ok so here it goes. I’m catholic Iraqi grew up in Melb + Queensland with half Aussie cousins (I look up to my Aussie aunts + fam). In Melb lived with my family for about 20 years they have never accepted me for who I am even tho they are my biolo... View more

Hi, ok so here it goes. I’m catholic Iraqi grew up in Melb + Queensland with half Aussie cousins (I look up to my Aussie aunts + fam). In Melb lived with my family for about 20 years they have never accepted me for who I am even tho they are my biological parents + brother, during that time I was: sad, anxious, angry at them, low: self-confidence, confidence, self-esteem, quiet, didn’t talk much at home and at school mainly in my room unless if I’m going to get something to eat, going out with friends, we haven’t done family time in a while, always told “be like “name” cause they are such good kids and your not you are the worst person”, parents never let me go out and half the time they’d lock the door so I don’t leave and say “ I need to spend more time with them and if not ill take all your things away (or kill me). I’m always being told off for the things I do in + outside of the house, mum would constantly yell at me for everything I do, mum would complain (I’d be complaining also) about my weight, late year 10 I exercised then became anorexic from start of year 11 - mid year 12 (it didn’t last very long cause mum kept forcing food into me and not let me eat my own food I make and had to be in hospitals, when we make time and i tell them whats been happening they don’t respect my friendships and I want them to. Had a group of friends during mid - late primary, early highschool - mid highschool after then i only had one best friend and she’d come to my place 6-7 times most of the time she’d only come to pick me up so we can go out, and mum wants to spend time with my friends family she’d talk about their life and past problems about each of the family members and then she’d tell me “when are they gonna leave cause auntie, uncle or cousins are coming over i’m bored idk what else to talk about” behind their backs in another room with me and when they are not in site she’d tell me “not hang out with them often cause anything bad could happen and I don’t trust her” she doesn’t trust my friends + disrespectful to me + my friends. I wanted to share what was happening to me to my friends then but deep down I was too scared if my parents would hurt them. My friends all left cause i was too quiet for them. Also never had a proper job cause my parents didn’t allow it cause “I should be focusing on school/uni so I can get high marks” she’d force me, have been applying for jobs since 18 and still don’t have one. Who can relate?

Bee1998 My Suspicions Were Right All Along- He Had An Affair :(
  • replies: 3

I caught my partner of 2 and a half years with his co-worker last night at their work. After having suspicions of him having an affair with her for the past year, they have finally been confirmed (thanks to me catching them out). It started off last ... View more

I caught my partner of 2 and a half years with his co-worker last night at their work. After having suspicions of him having an affair with her for the past year, they have finally been confirmed (thanks to me catching them out). It started off last night with my partner never coming home from work. I called him and texted him several times and received no answers. I was worried sick. I was constantly searching Vic Traffic Incidents to see if he could have had a car accident. I nearly brought myself to calling all of the local hospitals to see if he was there. 5 hour shift passed and I was nearly vomiting with anxiety. So I decided to drive around to spots where I thought he could possibly be. No luck. Then, my step dad drove me to search one more time. We decided to go past his work to see if he was there. To my amazement, I found his car parked in the driveway, along with another car with a green P plate. I knew immediately that he was there with that girl. I ended up knocking on the door. Eventually, he unlocked it and opened the door. I asked him, “What are you doing here?” He told me he was talking with Taleah (his co-worker). This was 10pm when I caught him there at his work. I barged into the door and asked where she was. He told me she had locked herself in the toilet because she was scared of me. (She hid in there before I even went inside), so she was obviously hiding because she knew she was in the wrong. I was hysterical by this point. Asking to speak to her and ask her what was going on. My partner kept restraining me and telling me to leave her alone (as if she was his girlfriend and not me). He was defending her the entire time , and yelling at me to stay away from her. (Keep in mind, I wasn’t being physical whatsoever , and I was actually keeping my cool pretty well, seeing as though I just caught my long-term partner having an affair). She eventually came out of the toilet and was yelling at me to leave otherwise she’d call the police. (As if I was the bad person, and she was the victim)???... I was so confused and angry and hurt. My partner kept blaming me for it all , saying that he can’t ever talk to me about anything because I always rebut him. (He has never bothered to tell me anything, and I ask him frequently if he is okay , or if there is anything he wants to talk about or is unhappy about). He still hasn’t contacted me or said a word. I told him last night that we are over (and I meant it). But I am really struggling with coping.

Bully77 Is my marriage over?
  • replies: 7

We have been togethor for 18 years, married for 14, with 4 kids. My wife has a very needy friend, who has moved from the city to the country, about an hour and a half north of where we live, about 4 years ago. For the past 2 and a half years, my wife... View more

We have been togethor for 18 years, married for 14, with 4 kids. My wife has a very needy friend, who has moved from the city to the country, about an hour and a half north of where we live, about 4 years ago. For the past 2 and a half years, my wife has been going & staying there every friday night, drinking excessively, and not coming home until late saturday afternoon. Around the time she started going there, she also stopped having sex with me, we only had sex once last year. I work long hours, six days a week, to make ends meet , as she doesn't work, which means our kids (14, 12, 6 and 4), are left home alone on saturday mornings, which she thinks is ok. Late last year, my ex brother in law messaged me, saying my wife was sleeping with a guy when she going to her friends. Of course my wife denied it, promising me I was the only person she had slept with since she was 15. She promised that she wouldn't keep going there every week, but has ended up going there every week since, but still denies anything is going on. Then today was our daughters birthday, and she still decided to go there, saying we would do birthday cake & dinner for our daughter tomorrow night. I feel like I am being played, but she insists all she is doing is spending time with her friend (who I don't like, and neither do her 2 sisters or her mum). What do I do? I love my wife & dont want to throw away 18 years, but I can't live like this. I have even contemplated suicide, but I know my kids need me & I couldn't do that to them. Help!

mocha delight Bad news
  • replies: 4

I really don’t know how to feel right now as I got news at about 11:10pm ish that my grandma passed away. But all I know is I’m feeling very numb/sad/upset/hurt/pain/emotionless/emotional all at once which is that even normal for someone who most lik... View more

I really don’t know how to feel right now as I got news at about 11:10pm ish that my grandma passed away. But all I know is I’m feeling very numb/sad/upset/hurt/pain/emotionless/emotional all at once which is that even normal for someone who most likely has depression? All these emotions are running rampant in my head still and my mind is going a million miles like an hour. I just don’t how to deal with all this or how I’m going to get through the night with all this pain & hurt ect ect ect and not to mention for some time I’ve barely been sleeping at all. The only thing that helped numb anything like this was major binge eating until I felt nothing which I’ve done a bit of it but it’s not helping this time at all.

Michael5667 Dealing with the pain of letting someone go.
  • replies: 10

I love my wife of 25yrs it hurts to say it. I guess we got into a rut, she's been feeling it for the last 3 yrs and wanted separation then. Me (head in clouds) thought we could work through it. We got to our 25th anniversary and I took her away for t... View more

I love my wife of 25yrs it hurts to say it. I guess we got into a rut, she's been feeling it for the last 3 yrs and wanted separation then. Me (head in clouds) thought we could work through it. We got to our 25th anniversary and I took her away for the weekend. We had a great time. Back home she said she only went along as she knew how important it was for me to do 25th and she still wanted separation. Last year I caught her lying. I wasn't spying. She was going to a party. She lied about who picked her up. She lied for about 3 weeks, told me I would have got the wrong impression. I wasn't the jealous type [then]had she told me who, I would have been fine with it. I would never have suspected them having an affair in a million years. Two completely different people from completely different cultures and a bigger age difference. I found out recently she was having an affair for sure, I overheard her talking to our guest/family who are staying with us atm. As you can imagine I'm heartbroken to the point I can't cope, sleep, eat, I'm anxious, depressed, angry, jealous and bitter. She says we were finished a long time ago. We've been talking about what's been going on and the more I get from her the more hurt and betrayed I am. She took a trip abroad to see her mum and I find out he was there. They had a 7 day mini break touring towns and cities with no agenda, not knowing where you're going, exploring etc, staying in random hotels. EVERYTHING I've been trying to get my wife to do with me for the last 10 yrs. I also found out that he's been pursuing her at work for app 4yrs(unknown to my wife), even though he's married and his culture would frown on his actions. He's been constantly asking her out mythering her and she's refused many times. Looking back I remember now she did say he asked her out a couple of years ago and she laughed it off as he's a lot older. To shut him up she finally relented. My wife mis diagnosed herself as having MS and this doctor helped her to see specialist friends of his who calmed the situation, nothing wrong with her. Then he had a medical drama and nearly died. She was distraught and I couldn't understand why. They confided in each other and must have grown close. But I blame him entirely for abusing his position in work to pursue her. I can't do anything as he's not her doctor. He can't leave his arranged marriage and I don't want her to be his bit on the side. How can I let her go but not be with him ?

LifetimeDreamer No longer know what to do, think and feel - Please help
  • replies: 3

Hello Everyone, I have been in a relationship or something like it for over a year. The man I am with separated from his wife in 2018 but they parted in anger. That played on his mind for a long time and he could not move on. Half way through 2019, h... View more

Hello Everyone, I have been in a relationship or something like it for over a year. The man I am with separated from his wife in 2018 but they parted in anger. That played on his mind for a long time and he could not move on. Half way through 2019, he realised that he has to face his demons after trying to push all the pain and grief away for too long, not accepting any of the pain. We went on and off because of that - him telling me he wants me in his life but also ending our relationship because he knew he had unfinished business. I was heartbroken because I love him dearly but accepted that it had to be over despite my wishes for a future with him. After I went away for a while (no contact with him), I came back and he pulled me in again. We have always had a very close, intimate and very beautiful link to each other, so we both feel very drawn to each other. So after he started things again, the issues with his ex-wife were still not dealt with. He did not want to be with her (no love, not connection and she had moved away). However, he also still couldn't let go and didn't know why (it was likely guilt and the feeling of failure). So he said he had to face her to finally get closure. That didn't work well because she simply resigned from her job, booked a flight and moved back into their home (where he lives). She arranged for counselling and while she thought they would do it to save the marriage, he resented her and chose to use counselling to try and make her understand that this marriage was really over. But until then, he ended things with me again knowing he needed to finalise things with her. Or actually I ended it somewhat when he told me that he agreed to her coming back. In the end, 1.5 months ago, he finally ended it completely. He struggled with that a lot because he did not want to be the bad guy - he seems to have real issues with feeling like he is hurting someone. She (an addict) also made him responsible for everything although she largely contributed to the failed marriage. She finally packed up her part of the house and moved interstate for good. But since then, although he says he made the right decision, he is in a real depression phase and I am worried about him. He now told me today that he currently feels anxiety at the thought of us going on two trips together that we had planned and booked when he was still excited (before she left). I believe grief has finally hit him and so now we have to cancel the trips.

JCW2020 Emotional abuse.... and struggling to leave!!
  • replies: 6

I’m 48 and have been married for twenty years, and in the last couple of years, as there has been increasing awareness an info available, I think I’ve realised I’m in an emotional abusive relationship. I would say there is bullying and gaslighting an... View more

I’m 48 and have been married for twenty years, and in the last couple of years, as there has been increasing awareness an info available, I think I’ve realised I’m in an emotional abusive relationship. I would say there is bullying and gaslighting and distancing by my husband, and yet I’m still here despite it all! I could give many examples, that are all quite textbook I’m realising, and to give a quick overview, he will cycle between being really moody, and hardly wanting to talk or communicate and only giving brief responses to anything to then writing love notes or messages and promising things will chance to then back to being just the way he was. I’ve seen psychologist and we have been together and yet nothing actually does change! The challenges relate a lot to times when I may need emotional support and he instead becomes very distant and abrupt and dismissive. A pattern that has been for a good decade and had really been challenging during the passing of my dad to an aggressive brain cancer (I spent time caring for him and my husband was frustrated as he “didn’t sign up to be a single dad”. I was coming and going and the longest I was away was about ten days! I’ve always been the breadwinner and often the sole income earner and we have had many disagreements when I have shared we need him to help ease financial stress and work more but he gets very resentful. We have three kids, our eldest is living interstate for uni, our middle is in Year 10 and our youngest in Year 6. My husband loves to push buttons to get reactions from the kids and our youngest copies this too, and so I’m often having to intervene and our 15 year old ends up in tears- he’s taller than his dad! The elder two see what my husband is like (often rude and abrupt and dismissive with me) but the youngest will always try and smooth his dad when he starts to sulk by telling his dad how much he loves him. I’m still working full time, and quite a demanding job, and should add I also have MS, and I’m tired!! At the lowest moments with my health my husband withdraws even further, and will make snide comments and feign sympathy is a very sarcastic tone. Quite simply, I find him quite unkind and selfish a lot of the time. He’s said a few times lately he’s leaving as he “doesn’t want to cause me any more stress”, and then just as quickly he’s apologising and on best behavior for a short while. I forgot to add he is a functional alcoholic (at least 8 beers every night) and a moody one!

Lana1990 Boyfriend advice needed
  • replies: 1

So, I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 months and everything is amazing!! Although the past week he has been getting messages from an ex girlfriend, another lady he slept with but not in an actual relationship and then today he mention... View more

So, I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 months and everything is amazing!! Although the past week he has been getting messages from an ex girlfriend, another lady he slept with but not in an actual relationship and then today he mentioned this other girl he was sleeping with and that he caught up with her about a month ago.... I understand he can have mates who are female and couldn’t careless.. I guess I feel a little uneasy at the fact he keeps these women around for what purpose?! I just don’t see that he would feel comfortable with me hanging out with past men that I have bumped uglies with..... I don’t know how I should feel with this, or how I can look past it. I trust him, and feel secure but I just feel uneasy on why he needs these women around still... any advice would be helpful.

Guest_9043 Serious communication issues. Beyond sad.
  • replies: 5

Hi all. I'm not feeling good in myself at all. I am tired, sad and weepy most of the time. My partner has difficulties with communicating. Serious issues. It's to the point where not even I talk much anymore. I've said and expressed all there is to s... View more

Hi all. I'm not feeling good in myself at all. I am tired, sad and weepy most of the time. My partner has difficulties with communicating. Serious issues. It's to the point where not even I talk much anymore. I've said and expressed all there is to say and express. Most of the time it does not end up well. I deal with stonewalling or her ending up in tears. We are both doing our individual counselling and due to start couples counselling in the 20th of this month. It is even harder cause we live together. I feel so completely alone. We are drifting apart. Communication and trust is the two things that mean the most to me in any relationship. I am not intimate with her at the moment. I can't. I am affectionate, just not intimate. She just keeps saying she has a lot of work to do on herself. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I have no more options or ideas. I'm scared to even talk about my feelings anymore. Mainly because I either get no response or nothing changes. I am being patient knowing she us working in herself. I offer encouragement and positivity. It's just that I don't have the partner I need. I miss her terribly even though we live together. I find myself wanting to be around others at times just so someone talks to me. I feel completely lost and don't know how to get through this very tough patch. I don't believe in just walking away when things get tough. They could be tough with anyone. I just feel myself becoming more depressed and withdrawn. I wonder what to do cause I don't know. If someone could give me some insight as to what could be going in here and how I can better my situation? Thanks.

P_B Why do I struggle to let people go?
  • replies: 1

After helpful advice or coping strategies please? I ended a long term relationship because I had feelings for a long time friend. This friend said the feelings were reciprocated. Only problem is she still has a partner. I assumed, and she lead me to ... View more

After helpful advice or coping strategies please? I ended a long term relationship because I had feelings for a long time friend. This friend said the feelings were reciprocated. Only problem is she still has a partner. I assumed, and she lead me to believe that once we had recognised that we had feelings for each other, she would leave her partner too & that we'd start dating. She confided that her relationship had not been physically intimate for almost 2 years, but she still cared for her partner but was no longer in love. We were intimate (something I'm not proud of, but want to give the full picture), and I know that I am completely in love with her. It's been longer than 15 months since I've seen her, and in that time we have had regular phone contact, she's told me that there are feelings for me, then she says we should just remain friends. That she wants to be with me, but it's just not the right time for her to leave her current partner yet. I'm lead to believe that they are still not intimate physically. I know she cares about me, but I know that I can't and shouldn't wait forever for her to decide to leave. I cant stop thinking about her, and I've never felt more jealous of anyone other than her partner in my life! I want to believe that if it's meant to be one day it will, and that I can't control the situation, but I don't know how to move forward. All I think about is wanting to be with her, wanting her to CHOOSE me. I had a childhood where my siblings needs were always placed above mine, and there was physical and emotional abuse. So I'm aware that childhood trauma plays a part in me not being able to let go. Has anyone else experienced this, I currently see a psychologist, but feel like I make a bit of progress & then slip back again.