Constantly upset and not able to eat after breakup

[Rebeccaann]

This is my first time posting. I’ll give you a bit of a back story. I started seeing a guy in January and the relationship moved fast, too fast now that I look back on it. I went from spending basically every night with him to moving in with him just a couple months after meeting him. We then lived together for 5 weeks before things started to fall apart.

During this time I wasn’t happy with the location of where I was, didn’t get along with his friends, and constantly felt upset, nauseous and would always be sick (cold, flu). Anyways we decided to go our separate ways because neither of us were happy with the situation (happy with each other and wanted to be together but it wasn’t working out).

Anyways, it’s now been a little over two weeks and I’m still miserable, can barely eat, always sad, and losing weight from not eating. Why is this affecting me so much and how do I help myself to get over it? We ended on good terms, I even called him last night and we talked for over an hour, we both understand what happened and why it needed to. So we are civil.

I’m also dealing with a dying grandfather and am currently stuck on the other side of the world away from any family members.

I just want to feel okay again, and be able to eat again and get my strength and happiness back. How do I go about this? Why was I so affected by a 4 month fling? Could other factors be causing me to shut down?

[Oldbrew13]

Hi Rebeccaan,

The feelings of misery and loss of appetite is caused by grief - a major part of going through a breakup. Something that was in your life and was important to you has gone and you are grieving it's loss. I know this as I recently went through this (and still am). You need to give yourself time to feel every emotion, let yourself cry and be unhappy. If you don't acknowledge your grief, as painful as it is, it will always be there. It's part of the healing process and I absolutely promise you that you WILL heal, you WILL feel better bit by bit.

But it will take time. In the meantime, you must be kind to yourself. You must give yourself love and compassion. When my husband left me last year, a book helped me get through it and it's the only breakup book I've ever read that deals with grief. It's called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J Elliott. It's availabe as an ebook from Google or Apple as well as numerous other places. I highly recommend it. She's very forthright but without her words, I seriously don't think I would have made it through.

*Sending you LOTS of strength & kindness*

Take care of you,

T.

[LexiJane]

Hi Rebeccaann,

First, i'd like to say that I am terribly sorry you are feeling this way. My mother gave me some good advice after my first break-up, and that is that there a lot of good matches out there, but it doesn't necessarily make them the right one! You took the right step and left the relationship, that is the hardest part.

I agree that what you're feeling is grief because many of us internalise a break-up and can't help but feeling it was something we did wrong; but as my mother said, it was likely just not the right relationship. I found this exciting, because that meant that something better was waiting, and she was right. Once I reflected on what I personally did not enjoy in the last relationship, every one after that became easier as I was learning a lot about myself in the process!

Personally, I have always found it helpful to start a new project, join a team, or volunteer when a break-up is looming or has just happened. Whether those things are for you or not, it may help you feel like you're a different person than you were when you were with the other person. You never know who you'll meet in these new situations.. whether that be friendship or something else. You may meet people that have different back stories and you'll realise that you were lucky enough to feel something after a break-up.. I reckon it's better than not feeling anything at all.

Much love to you my dear.

Hugs,

LexiJane