Lost in Marriage
I married my husband because I love for who and what he is. This is inspite of my parents and friends reminding me I deserved better. I truly believed he loved me too.
I have always been the person with a better income, I didn’t see it that way at first. I always saw us equally. But he spends pur money for his “hobbies” his rule in life was “live to the fullest” whhy do we need our own house or savings if we are going to die later on. So i kept mum. I had savings before we got married but sweet talks got me getting them and giving it to him because he was do “down” i didn’t like seeing him that way. He asked me to take a loan under my name so he can build whatever it was he was building I reluctantly agreed because i saw he was anout to wxplode in the bank.
we had our lid, he loved her... at first as she grew older he also lost time for her. Like a kid who no longer wants his toy. But my daughter loves his dad more than anything in the world so she keeps trying hard for him to notice her. Don’t get me wrong he is a kind man when he wants to.
we moved to Australia, and he found new friends who influenced even more to. Not value family. All he wanted to do was hang out woth his friends. I waited i wait. It got to a point where his form of his affection was to make fun of me in front of his friendS. According to him it was banter so I went along, until I lost my love for myself. He always wants to buy things which ai have mo problemabout if we had savings for the rainy day. i also always ask him for help around the house but he says Its too hard. Because of this i slowy lost my affection and intimacy.
anyway fast forward now, my marriage i want to save but it keeps falling apart and i blame myself for tjis
Hi LonelyLion :0)
Thank you so much for reaching out to our community today, I know that it’s not an easy thing to do. I’m so sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like it's a really overwhelming and difficult time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
"he spends our money for his “hobbies” his rule in life was “live to the fullest” why do we need our own house or savings if we are going to die later on".
Sounds as though your hubby may need to grow up a bit LonelyLion, this isn't an ideal approach to a married life with children. Fair enough, if he was single and only himself to look after, this kind of thinking could be accepted. After all, it's only affecting his life and future. However, he's not single and you and your daughter need financial security, not just now in these troubled times, but for your future. You need to really take a good look at this situation and decide "can I allow this to continue?". If it was me, and I'm only speaking for myself, I would be stopping this dead in it's tracks by setting separate bank accounts. This is your decision though.
I had savings before we got married but sweet talk got me getting them and giving it to him because he was do “down”.
It sounds as though your husband knows you well and what buttons to push to get what he wants. It really sounds very selfish of him to be honest. What about you and what you want? He may very well be a person who can't handle money and there's nothing wrong with that, provided he's not handling the money. You see my point? You need to take control of your families finances before there's none left. Then, when that happens, what then? More loans in your name? More debt? You need to think long and hard about this my friend.
"He asked me to take a loan under my name so he can build whatever it was he was building I reluctantly agreed because I saw he was about to explode in the bank".
This is a MAJOR problem sweety. You're now personally in debt for something you're not even getting anything from. This behaviour on your husbands part is NOT good for you, your daughter or your future.
"It got to a point where his form of his affection was to make fun of me in front of his friends."
This doesn't sound very good at all.
Your friend - Rumples
I feel for you so much as you face the challenge of constructively questioning your relationship with your husband.
Personally, I believe it is important that partners maintain a sensitivity toward each other. Such sensitivity can involve acknowledging their heart's desire yet it can also involve knowing when to ground them. Your husband's desire to live the high life sounds preferable over the need to be more sensitive toward you and your desires. Sounds like a balance needs to be found here. A negotiation which involves him maturing and being more grounded, while still having some luxuries.
You sound very sensitive toward your daughter's needs. This is what makes you a loving mum. Unfortunately your husband perceives his role as parent and guide differently and your daughter is suffering to some degree. My 14yo son and 17yo daughter have come to expect little attention from their father. It's kind of sad, in my eyes, yet they are not overly bothered by this because my relationship with them is incredibly strong. They look to me and others who are positive influences in their life.
I am wondering why you feel your marriage keeps falling apart. Does this seem to happen when you don't follow your husbands wishes and he argues until he gets his own way? Does this happen when you shut down from him, due to resentment and poor self-esteem? Explaining to him that he has become insensitive toward you and your daughter might initially get a poor reaction but it may also give him some food for thought. Asking him if he wishes to remain insensitive in certain areas will give you greater clarity in regard to what you can expect from your marriage. If he brushes this off as you 'Making a big deal out of nothing', I would question why he does not see the importance of finding balance. I would question why he does not see that this is a big deal for you and therefor requires greater understanding.
While you are loving, thoughtful and responsible and see the benefits of saving a marriage, it sounds like your husband is more interested in the benefits of living the life he wants to live. His behaviour is definitely questionable. I pray you regain love for yourself through rightfully questioning his behaviour. You deserve a sensitive partner who can support you to truly love yourself.
By the way, if your husband can only feel happy if he is buying things to make him happy, he has a problem.
I can see you have been through a lot with your family's move to Australia and the issues in your marriage, and I am so sorry to hear that the stress of everything has been impacting the way you feel about yourself as well.
As the other posters have said, a successful relationship can only work when both parties are willing to put in effort to move forward, and when difficulties in the relationship occur it is rarely the fault of one person not doing enough or being 'undeserving'.
I hope that you can continue reaching out to the forums for support, as there are other posts who have been through some really similar situations, and there are also other methods of support (such as our 24/7 helpline) if you ever need more help as well.